HowTo:Run a website

Abraham Lincoln struggling to get visitors

Many people have their own website or hacked someone else's and don't know how to keep it popular and secure. Here's how:

Getting visitors

One of the most important things to get people to visit your site is to make it appear first every time someone searches absolutely anything on Google. Lucky for you, about 5 people will comment on your website a day telling you what to install to your website to make this happen. Some of this may be viruses, so make sure you install antivirus from these people as well so that you can be sure to be safe installing all this amazing software to your website.

Another way to get visitors is to visit other peoples' websites and they just might visit yours. If at any time on their website you coincidentally win $1,000,000 or an iPad, always accept your prizes so that the funds for your website increase. Be cautious, though, if there are two places on the same page that say you win. That means one of them is a trick.

Keeping visitors

Even if you get millions of visitors after they click your link when they notice it pops up on Google first every time, they will lose interest if you don't post enough content to keep them hooked. Websites that have entertaining games and valuable information are too common and have too much competition. For a unique website to draw visitors in, post about 50 advertisements on each page so they like you for telling them about awesome products they want to buy. There are very few popular websites that do this, so there will be no competition.

Making money

What's the use of managing a website if you don't make money? Some ways to make extra money on your website include posting even more advertisements, stealing peoples' credit card numbers by selling them something that doesn't exist, charging people to visit your awesome website, or just ask for donations.

Managing spam and other advice

Not this kind of admin

• Eat any spam visitors provide you, because canned meat is delicious.

• Always enable cookies because they are almost as delicious as spam.

• Make at least five admin accounts so that if one gets hacked, you have other accounts to log in to.

• Ban users like they're pancakes.

• Change users' passwords before you ban them and tell them to pay $400 dollars to revive their account.

• The Bible says wise people listen and foolish people speak. So listen to spam bots unless you want to be a fool.

• Don't back up your data, it will make your website lag more as it has twice as much data to process.

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With this advice, you will be managing your website like a pro!