HowTo:Repair a car
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
A car is a important vessel of transport that has revolutionized our lives. Like all revolutionary inventions,of course,it is prone to breaking down at the absolute worst possible moment.While some people take their car to a "certified technician" for maintenance & repair, YOU can do all of what the pros can for FREE....if you read this guide,of course.
Understanding your car
Tires are basically big balloons around your wheels, but less buoyant than those given out at children's parties. While not essential to a car, it should be noted that cars with tires have significantly better fuel mileage than those without.
The engine creates energy to turn the the wheels,by means of a (mostly) safe and controlled ignition of highly explosive gasoline fumes by a spark plug. The explosion pushes down pistons, turning the crankshaft and driving the wheels. Valves allow waste gases to leave,and refuel the
bomb engine with fresh explosive fumes.
The radiator is a A/C unit strapped to the front of your engine that blows cool air onto the hot parts of the car,preventing sensitive components it from melting and/or exploding. Water and antifreeze inside the radiator chill air blown through it by the fan. Contrary to popular belief, engine oil is stored is NOT stored in the radiator.
The battery powers the radio, seat warmers, airbags, and other useless gadgets inside your car. It also powers the spark plugs(see above).
- Attached to the battery is the alternator. The alternator contains a highly trained weasel who powers a generator that recharges your battery. If your battery is not charging properly, the weasel may have died
Originally sold as a gimmick, brakes became extremely popular after people found out that cars with brakes were able to go more than 20 feet without crashing. If your car fails to stop, the brakes may be at fault.
The muffler is filled with tiny pillows to quiet exiting exhaust fumes. A broken muffler makes a sound louder than a cat strapped to a jet pack falling down the stairs
The transmission is a highly complicated enigma of parts, and is at least partially sentient in most cars. Using a transmission, you can park your car, make it go backwards, or lose all control and crash into a tree.
Basic Repair & Maintenance
Changing the oil
Oil helps lubricate moving parts in the engine. Without oil, the parts will rub against each other and create friction. This may not seem so bad,but that friction loosens the connections between the parts. Next thing you know,you're on the highway,picking up engine pieces in a half mile radius behind you. Of course, you will never find them all, and you will spend the rest of your life stuck on the road, weeping and wondering "Why me God,why me?".
Seems pretty grim, right? Well, It can all be avoided if you change the oil:
- Open the hood using the lever thingamabob inside the car(you know what I'm talking about, right?).
- Find the dipstick. The dipstick is a special hammer used to open the drain plug under your car.
- Get under the car and place a bucket under the oil drain plug.
- Using the dipstick,hammer at the plug until it comes loose. Make sure the plug doesn't fall into the bucket.
- Allow the oil to drain out of the car, then hammer the plug back in with the dipstick.
- Pour fresh oil into the fill hole. Make sure it's motor oil. Vegetable oil will boil when in contact with hot parts, and pretty soon your engine will be a giant metal french fry.
- Don't throw away the used oil! Most of the other fluids your car uses, like "brake fluid","power steering fluid", and "windshield wiper fluid" are all actually just used motor oil. Top off the reservoirs for these with the oil.
Repairing a Flat Tire
Similar to balloons,tires have the annoying tendency to pop upon contact with sharp objects. Luckily, they are easy to repair:
- Cover the tire with a layer of duct tape.
- Paint over the tire with superglue
- Pour molten iron onto the tire to create a airtight seal
- Apply a thin sheet of carbon nanofibers over the metal once cooled, then adhere with hydrogen-16 antimatter molecular paste.
- Reinflate with bicycle pump
Servicing the Engine
- Pull that lever doohickey that opens the hood again(God,what is that called?)
- Find the engine. It's kind of big and squarish-you'll know when you see it
- Remove the plastic cover. It's held down by an industry standard of 50 screws,mostly to slow you down. Just knock off 46 of them with a hammer and keep the other 4.
- Loosen the bolts holding down the cylinder head and pull it off. Remove the spark plugs from the head.
- Looking down, you should see the cylinders and pistons. Fill them with gasoline to give your engine a massive performance boost.
- Take the spark plugs and rub each of them against a balloon for 5 minutes. That should put the charge back into them.
- On the right side of the engine there should be a belt. Cover it with oil to make it slippery. After all, faster is better, right?
- If your car has fuel injection, pull off those stupid hippy-spritzers and get some righteous American carburetors, dammit.
- Put the spark plugs back in the cylinder heads and replace it on the engine. Tighten the bolts until you hear a cracking sound. That's the sound of a job well done.
- Screw the cover back on
Flushing the Radiator
- Buy a jug of antifreeze. Antifreeze is a sweet,delicious liquid used as a low-calorie sugar substitute. Find it in the baking aisle.
- Immediately after parking, open the hood, then remove the radiator cap and pour lots of cold water in it to cool it down.
- Open the tap at the bottom of the radiator, then put a hose in the flushing tee and let the water flow through.
- Fill the radiator with bleach and run the engine for 15 minutes to clean out all that gunk. Repeat Step 3.
- Fill with a 50/50 solution of water & antifreeze. If you live in a very cold climate, add some engine oil.