HowTo:Park across more than one disabled space
You are driving to your local mall (shopping centre, I'm British Ok?), well lo and behold there are no parking spaces large enough to accommodate the monster truck which you are casually driving on a Sunday afternoon. It will require at least two but what do you do?? The car park is crammed but looking in the rearview mirror you find an amazing treasure - 4 disabled parking spaces are free for the taking.
Step 1: The approach
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So you have decided to park in those tasty looking disabled spaces and you want to approach the mystical zone with caution and maximum discretion. This could prove difficult because you are driving a 60 ton monster truck in luminous blue with sirens and air horns blaring out to the general public. But do not worry because you are in a monster truck, those industrial boxes of nappies (diapers) which the moms will throw at you will not affect you at all. So approach as normal obeying the car park's speed limit of 5MpH (you wouldn't want to cause an accident would you it would defeat the whole purpose of parking, and if you crush other cars you could chip your new paintjob).
Step 2: Getting in there
So now you are in sight of the holy grail: spaces you must approach with caution as there may still be a stray bystander wanting to pummel you with various household items. The trick is quick and neat, you should park the truck in one fell swoop to gain the element of surprise as to prevent protestors from blocking your parking trajectory, and to make a quick get away from your car otherwise people will attack you calling you a major jackass. So 1,2,3.... Park and BAM! Now lock up your truck and get out of there as fast as you can; no really, run the hell away. Oh and one more thing - just forget about that actual disabled guy who you have now maimed while he was still inside his car which you have just crushed.
Step 3: The Finish
So now you have got out of there with minimum damage inflicted upon you and your car you can now walk with your manly strut as you would normally forgetting all of the negative karma points you have received from this major feat of parking.
Speaking of Negative Karma let's total up shall we?
So let's see...
Parking in one disabled space= -1,000 points
Parking in 4 disabled spaces= -1,000 * 4 = -4,000 points
Crushing and potentially killing that disabled guy= -5,000 points.
Now just for style:
Wearing sunglasses while parking=-500 points
Stalling your vehicle while parking =-250 points
Curbing the vehicle (come on, it happens to all of us)= -1,000 points
Chuckling like a hillbilly whilst parking=-500 points.
Potential Points of Error
- Approaching too quickly and killing potential bystanders/protestors
- Not approaching quickly enough and losing the element of surprise - protestors will try to stand in the disabled space and prevent you from parking your ride, this might get messy
- Not leaving the scene quickly enough results in getting beaten up by the protestors
- Not locking your vehicle after parking has occurred. Well, this is obvious and the protestors will try to move your car.
Returning to your Car
So now you have gone about your business you must return to your vehicle, but wait hundreds of people must have seen how you have parked and they probably now want to dispose of you. So when approaching your car, do not make eye contact with anyone on your way. Furthermore act as naturally as possible and do not make it obvious about where you have parked, in fact looking appalled at the person evil enough to have parked in more than one disabled space really helps because it will seem like you are a super citizen trying to move the vehicle. Here are some other tips:
- When driving get away quickly with minimum fuss.
- Do not and i mean do not draw any attention to your self that means no radio, no horn and low noise driving
- Drive home the long way to avoid people following you and potentially killing you in your sleep.