HowTo:Maintain a vanity site on Uncyclopedia
Are you tired of your boring Myspace which no-one looks at anyway?
Looking for a way to get attention for all the right reasons?
There are several ingenious ways to circumvent Uncyclopedia's vanity policies... Follow the simple steps below and you too can be showered with love beyond your wildest dreams!
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HowTo This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series. See more HowTos |
Step 1[edit]
Create a user account on uncyclopedia. This will mean you have a user page on which you can write anything you want. But anyone can do that I hear you scream. My user page may contain lots of witty banter, links to my articles and crappy awards that geeks have given me, but no-one will actually look at it. Hold your horses there, my lad. This is just step 1!!
Step 2[edit]
Self Promotion. This where it starts to get a little more tricky. The vanity policies of Uncyclopedia do not allow you to create any links in the Article Space to your user page, however if you are doing it in a self aware way then you may be able to get away with it. Try setting up a page with Vanity or Self Promotion in the title, this will show the admins that you are aware of what you are doing. In the text also make it clear that you are aware that this is what you are doing (Calling yourself vain, a loser, sad or making fun of wikipedia seems to help). Then you should be relatively free to create links from that page to your user page. The admins are not particularly sharp, so it may help to cover yourself a bit more by putting the article in the categories Vanity and Self Reference.Good examples include:
Be careful to ensure your page is attractive so that people will want to keep visiting it, and tell their friends about it:
- It helps tremendously if you post a sexy photo of yourself (no point in being modest - it's a vanity page, after all).
- If you don't look particularly sexy, post a photo of someone else and pretend they're you. It's not like anyone is going to know the difference. They might even leave comments on your talk page about how hot you are - thus giving you that sweet attention you have been craving.
This may seem a tad artificial, but any doubts you have will soon evaporate when people look at you, and write to you and notice you exist.
Step 3[edit]
Link me up. Now you have a legitimate article which is basically about you and is full of links to your user page, you can start promoting that page. Shoehorn links into any other pages that you can think of. If you get tired of putting links in actual pages, and arguing with admins about whether they are reasonable there are a couple of shortcuts you can use:
- Use re-direct pages. If you go into special page Wanted pages, you will find a long list of empty or deleted pages that have hundreds of links already.
Just re-direct these pages to your article, to rapidly increase the amount of attention you get. Lets face it, this is an exercise in attention seeking.
- Use Templates. If you are really lazy this is an ideal way to promote your page. Uncyclopedia is full of templates, each one is already on literally hundreds of pages, and they are added to more each day. If you doctor these templates to link to your page, other unwitting uncyclopedians will run around promoting you while you sit back and enjoy a martini.
- The "see also" section of each article is nothing but a barely disguised excuse for aspiring writers to link to their own articles, even if they are completely unrelated to the topic at hand. An easy and efficient way to do this is to hit the "random page" button on the left hand side of your screen, and add your article to the "see also" page of whatever page you happen to land on. Repeat this process until:
- A) You get banned.
- B) Your eyes start bleeding.
- C) You have posted a link to your vanity page to every single article on this website.
Step 4[edit]
Keep your head down. Admins do not like this kind of thing really, so even though you are being subtle enough to get away with it, it's best not to draw attention to yourself. The best approach is not to have any contact with admins or other uncyclopedia users who spend their time making lots of spelling corrections and voting for each other in crappy polls. If one of these types does approach you, the best thing you can do is get your nose as brown as you can:
- Apologise several hundred times.
- Tell that User/Admin how much you respect their work/spelling corrections/banning skills etc.
- Uncyclopedia has many crappy polls, vote for anything they want you to vote for and against anything they voted against.
- Put some templates on their user page saying they are great. Nominate them for geek of the month... Or just copy past the geek of the month badge onto their page avoiding the messy election process. All these things are completely free and mean nothing, but will make your target nerd feel all warm inside.
- Avoiding using the word "fuck" at all costs.
Step 5[edit]
A 2nd article?? If you really want to push the boat out, create a 2nd article to promote your first one.. Make sure you follow all the rules in step 2, but this time put the article in the category self reference reference, then repeat steps 3-5. For an example see:
If you carry on this way, pretty soon no page in the whole Uncyclopedia will be more than 2 clicks from your user page.