HowTo:Keep skeletons in your closet
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“Dem Bones..Dem Bones..Don't Hang Around...Now Where's the Key to the Door”
Skeletons are good at keeping secrets. In fact they are much better than an Egyptian mummy or a dessicated corpse found on remote Andean mountain shrines. As the saying goes: Put Your Trust In Bones. Also a sturdy set of keys are even better as skeletons do have a habit of wandering around if you are not careful. So always have a handy closet to stuff them inside if unexpected friends come calling.
Why a Skeleton?
It is amazing people ask such an obvious question. A skeleton has the capacity to remember a lot of information, like for example that you were once a bit of a 'festish fan' in your misspent youth. Now if you have a big stonking secret, there is no point in trying to make sure you don't talk to anyone about it. People find it hard not to blabber away to strangers. Instead buy (or steal) a skeleton and tell he/she all your dirty secrets, or at least these ones that won't earn you a long prison sentence if discovered. Once you have done that, secure your skeleton in a closet and dress your new candid friend with all those hideous clothes you are never going to wear again. People who trust a Mummy with their information are just asking for trouble. Mummies demand far more attention and if you don't give them enough, they will be walking down to your local supermarket and start telling everyone that you are secretly married to your sister. See what I mean? Skeletons are just so more discreet and a lot less trouble .
Finding the Right Bones
Let me first emphasise - there is no point getting a rubber skeleton or one made of plastic , resin or lego bricks. I am afraid you will have to find the real deal. Before the days of the internet , it was a lot harder finding a skeleton and so the less scrupulous out there went in 'commandeered all available cadavers' and took them home to de-flesh and then pop it in a cupboard. The biggest collectors of skeletons have always been governments. In fact it is one of their largest industries and there rumours now that under every government building in the world, there are boneyards that stretch for miles and miles , all locked away inside their own little closets.
Personally I can recommend the services of Burke & Hare when it comes to skeletons. They are a discreet firm of Scottish lawyers who have always had a side business in providing skeletons to medical schools and the general public. Their email address and phone number will be found in the index.
How Do I Know If My Skeleton Can Keep A Secret?
Well to be honest..you don't. Not at least to start with as skeletons can be funny things. Remember that they were once people with feelings too, some were even warriors once and now discover they are sharing space in a closet with old flouncy jackets or frumpy frocks may not be their idea of heaven. So you have to break it to them slowly to build up a level of trust and mutual respect. Then after you have a cup of cocoa with the skeleton, lean into them and say 'I wanna share a secret'. They won't be shocked but I can advise that once you have told them your secret, it will be safe with that skeleton...unless it goes for a stroll.
People who have a bit more money or a lot more secrets tend now to have more than one skeleton. They think that if you really have a big embarrassing/distressing secret you want to keep , then it is better to have a brace of articulated friends knowing only certain parts . This way if you do happen to lose a skeleton, then if they are found and start to suggest they may know something, your boney blabberer will not have the bigger picture . This is indeed the policy of those who work for the intelligence organisations. Their skeletons rarely make sense in isolation.
Where Do You Find the Right Closet?
Yes, the right closet is very important. It should have plenty of space in case you want to add to your skeleton collection. I now have six in my closet - luckily they can't talk to each other as I had them sourced from different places in the world. That is important. You can't get all your skeletons from the same graveyard as they will start chatting to each other in the language they last remembered before dying. So I keep an American, Canadian, Brit , Australian and a Liverpudlian in my closet. It's amazing. They speak English but none can understand each other. This may be due to an effect of advanced decay which usually means after a number of years skeletons lose the ability to talk much except about how unwell they feel. Ironic eh?
The right closet..yes. Must be strong and lockable. I recommend the Samsonite Skeleton Closet Accommodator. Excellent piece of kit. It has kept all my secrets since my wife left. She took one of my skeletons with her in the hope of getting a better divorce pay off from me. Luckily for me, that skeleton was one I had told nothing to and was only using it as a prop in a medical play I was performing in at the time.
Sharing a Closet With a Loved One
Don't. Double don't. It doesn't work. You and your partner cannot put your old skeletons together in one big closet together. It creates a nasty chemical reaction so I recommend to everyone that it is best to keep your closet and its skeleton(s) elsewhere - perhaps with parents or friends. You could also use a Safe Skeleton Closet Deposit Box but that is expensive. However, if you start sharing some skeleton worthy secrets with your loved ones you are going to need a bigger closet anyway. Couple always have loads to hide, perhaps even more than single people.
When Do Skeletons Start Walking?
Once you have house trained them , Skeletons will normally stay happy in a closet but they do like to have a little walk now and again. I suggest you lock the doors to your house/apartment, draw the curtains and let your skeleton (or skeletons) out for a short period. It depends on how old they are. The younger ones like to get out more so you have to exercise them more. Older bones are happy just to hang around next to the feather boa you once stole off a drag act in Torquay but even they will at least need a few hours every year to go for a bone stretch.
What Do I Do If They Escape?
Yes it does happen. I read about it everyday or see it news bulletins. Skeletons tend to head for places where they think people will listen to them. Laundrettes are surprisingly popular destination for them or bus queues. Sometimes they like to go to fashion shows where their cadaverous appearance blends in well with the size 0 models. Also there is something psychological going on as well. If you think your skeletons are going to go out and let the world know your secrets, then very often this will happen. So if you do think your fleshless friend is about to go for a wander, bring it into your sitting room and together watch a decent Vincent Price film. Usually that helps cure a skeleton from wanting to venture outside, they will believe that outside your house lie even darker terrors.
But let's face it, skeletons don't tend to escape that often so perhaps I am painting this problem as more of a Rothko than a Renoir . So don't get too alarmed yet. This warning could be all a pile of old Pollocks.
What Happens To My Skeletons When I Die?
It so happens that I can't help you on that question. Skeletons don't like to have a dead owner and so will invariably get out unless you have made provision to pass them on to somewhere else or have recommended they are cremated. This should be easy but people often get lazy and forget where they have hidden their skeletons. Often I have seen young couples buy a closet , take it home and then open the door to be confronted by a grisly occupant. The skeleton - if well behaved -may even be polite to offer its services as a keeper of your secrets but make sure it hasn't kept any memories of its previous owner. Otherwise you will acquire the memories of others and who wants that?
Do Urns Count?
Technically yes they do and for those pushed for space, opening up an urn lid and shouting into it can take the place of a regular skeleton. Surprisingly, crematoriums have cupboards full of urns that are not collected by a family or friend and therefore are available for other uses. But be advised. I would recommend that you have the ashes examined by a professional. Confiding to ashes that come from something else like say a family pet or a carbonised three piece suite will be an unsatisfactory repository for your secrets. From my experience, ex-sofas talk too much so always burn them if you need a new one.
People may think it is ridiculous to look after a skeleton or two but I personally will always swear that happiness is a locked bone closet. However if I find the keys to your skeleton cupboard....oh what fun !