HowTo:Judge a contest at the last minute

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Being a judge doesn't require wearing a suit.

So you've been thinking about being a judge ever since you came across the UnLegal department, or because you want to be an administrator[1], or simply because you're just a judgey-judgerson type of person. That's ok, me too!

Anyway, this is the kind of task that you can't do alone; you must somehow connive your way into judgeship if you want to judge a contest (especially at the last minute).

Wrangle up some contestants[edit]

First you've got to have subjects in which to rule over. Normally this would take a lot of time and organizing but the best way to do this is not through threat or coercion, but to find some way of convincing them to do what you want. (Much like how Tom Sawyer got the neighborhood kids to whitewash his fence in exchange for trinkets and beer[2].) Most people like to vote or to complain[3], but neither are good options for our purposes here[4]. Actually, pre-wrangled contestants are your best bet. We need a more different approach here:

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach a man to fish and you've got a giant blockbuster on your hands!

If these don't work, feed the users one-by-one to Giant Piranhas or something. Those things are infallible when it comes to death and mayhem. *Shudder* (There is no defense against them.) The rest will cave-in eventually and you'll have a pack of properly modified (and motivated) contestants ready and willing to write up a mess of stories. But seeing is how that's not a last-minute type of thing, we'll instead go into further detail on option four[5], as the others are pretty much self-evident.

Find a contest in its beginning phases[edit]

Wading through the forums can be a lonely process if you expect intelligent conversation.

Your best bet is to slum around the forums or the more active user's talk pages. (Don't be afraid to leave random comments as well; you're hilarious and others should know that too.) You may have to wade through some bland conjecture to find what you are looking for[6], but rest assured the task will be well worth it when you are done. (You are now well on your way to judging a contest.) When you see talk of contests, (make sure they're in their beginning phases[7] or you may be wasting your time,) be sure to follow those leads quickly (as they've probably already started without you[8]).

Unobtrusively insert yourself into the que[edit]

When you find a good contest, simply add yourself to the judging part of the contest. Don't worry if they've already got judges lined up, one more won't hurt[9]. Just find the part that has a list of judges and quietly add yourself there. Always leave a message explaining what you've done on the discussion page or other out-of-the-way location; be sure not to cause drama and/or sensation.

Avoiding judgment obstacles[edit]

Permanent bans are the death of fun at Uncyclopedia; avoid them at all costs.

Once you've got yourself on the list the hard work does not stop there. Sometimes the contest is so well organized that you may be asked to leave. In this case a persuasive argument is a must. Remember:

  •   a: A quitter never quits, unless s/he quits at winning[10].
  • a2: The obnoxious get (in this case unwanted) special privileges.
  •   b: Be useful, not useless[11].
  •   c: Those animals will eat you alive if you don't play their reindeer games.

Even though they may be a pain in your crotch, those pre-existing participants collectively have the power to make the site less enjoyable for you. (Make a big enough ass of yourself and you could get permanently banned and we don't want that.) Just follow the suggestions that don't get you removed, and offer solutions to those that do.

Measure success despite an unsuccessful environment[edit]

If you fail to maintain your status as an official judge don't give up just yet. The best case scenario for you is to take the high road and preserver. You just keep on keepin' on and judge those articles anyway. Who cares what anyone else thinks? It's your opinion that is most important. By simply continuing to continue you will have success!

Accomplishment of goals[edit]

My last advice to you (and I'm dead serious about this) is that once judgment is given it is final!

...is measured not through respectful acceptance, but through the actual judging of others work. Irregardless of whether or not you maintain an official status, having done that which you have set out to do will allow you to accomplish what this guide has taught; thus making us both very happy indeed. I congratulate you, future judger of works! Go forth and judgeify!

(Notes)[edit]

  1. ↑ God help you.
  2. ↑ The book said, "a kitten with only one eye," but we all know it was beer... (probably racist beer as well).
  3. ↑ ... or to vote about complaining, or to complain about voting, or... you get the idea.
  4. ↑ Judging a contest at the last minute.
  5. ↑ Finding a new contest and jumping right in.
  6. ↑ A contest in its beginning phases.
  7. ↑ You just don't pay attention do you?
  8. ↑ Bastards!
  9. ↑ That's what she said.
  10. ↑ A quitter never wins, unless s/he wins at quitting.
  11. ↑ Seriously; nobody likes a dick.

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