HowTo:Interrupt Serious News Broadcasts
Why hello there! You, yes you with the bad hair and glasses. Always wanted to be famous? Looking to impress the woman/man of your dreams? Then look no further than this article.
If you are, however, not burdened with such pesky aspirations, why not annoy somebody else who is??? This is why you are the perfect person to interrupt a serious news broadcast because, let's face it, nobody likes you and you never amounted to anything.
The first question many people ask is why? Why should I harass that undoubtedly hardworking journalist on national TV? The answer is simple; because it will mean the people finally notice you, it will mean an end to your days sitting in your basement reading Uncyclopedia articles and sniggering at lolcats. Convinced that this is the right thing to do? I thought so, now, let's get to it.
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Getting Ready
First things first, you must be prepared to go through with this daring deed, in fact, repeat "I am prepared to do this daring deed" out loud ten times to make sure you are mentally, if not physically prepared.
Now while it is obvious that you are raring to go and get out into all that fresh air after your repetition exercise, some caution is required. Many people will be determined to prevent you from claiming the limelight for yourself, so you must figure out a way to evade their clutches. The element of surprise is the most effective weapon in your arsenal, some people are just not prepared for your pale and disgusting body to come lurching toward them, you must use this to your advantage. This is where the use of props is very important, as the sudden impact of your body odour and greasy hair may not be enough to truly startle them into allowing you to rant into the camera for a minute or so. So choose anything, (no, not your laptop... OK anything besides that) it can be anything at all, and start waving/shooting/peeling/launching/washing it straight away, so you will be ready when the time comes. Now you are ready, if you start to feel nervous just remember that nobody likes a quitter and do your repetition exercise again.
The Interrupting Part
So you are ready. You have done all your exercises and perfected your very own "Letter to America", now all that needs to be done is to choose the correct target, and then interrupt, simple enough for a normal person, but since that obviously is not you, we will go into a bit more depth, we will also use nice short words.
Firstly, choosing the right news broadcast is essential, surprisingly it will be a serious news story and not a lighthearted one as we aren't here to do things in half measures and the title of this article suggests that the broadcast will be serious. Do not interrupt a story about Obama's favourite cheese, people will not take you seriously. A story with terrorism, panic or infection in the title will do nicely. Positioning is also all important, if people are going to see you on TV then why should the people who actually got up off the sofa today miss out?? Crowded areas are best as they mean you can vanish seamlessly into the crowd or be carried shoulder high as a hero of the people!.
Now you are finally ready, you must approach without caution, indeed throw caution to the wind and get over there... No, over there, that's it. Good thing we were here, otherwise you might have done something really stupid.
Below you will find a transcript of someone who has successfully followed this guide interrupting a completely true and non-made up story, you might want to have a pen and paper around so you can jot down some hints:
Newscaster: Thank you, Keera. Yes, it is indeed a shocking day for Americans everywhere, especially in America when WOOOI'MONTV!BOOBS! almost certainly dead. The President completely WOOLOOKICANDRINKTWOCANSOFBEER!WOO! although it is still attached. The terrorists HEYLOOKGUYSTHATGUYFROMTHENEWSISHERE!WOO! completely destroying the remains of New York City. Three hundred HEYITISTHATGUYFROMTHETVWHATSHISNAME but the virus completely turned their organs to mush. YEAHMUSHLIKEIMADEWITHYOURMOMLASTNIGHTWOO in sympathy with America during this horrific and troubling time. President Obama's condition CANOBAMADOTHISOWMYHEAD dog stuck there. The WHO is advising all citizens to stay completely LOOKGUYSI'MGONNAPULLDOWNHISPANTS.IWONDERIFHE'LLBESOSERIOUSTHEN. The only way for humanity to survive is AWITDIDN'TWORK.LOOKATHISLITTLEDICKHAHAHA with three kittens. Excuse me a moment Keera.
Newscaster (quietly): I am trying to do a FUCKING news broadcast here you stupid bastards! NOW FUCK OFF! And leave that alone!
Newscaster (normally): Sorry about that Keera. So yes, the situation here is beyond all words. The hospitals DON'TTELLMETOFUCKOFFIDIOTIAMLOCO greatly needed supplies are held up in Maine. RIGHTTHAT'SITI'MGOINGTOFUCKINGSHOOTYOUIHAVEMYGUNPOINTEDATYOURHEADASSHOLE so with the Army mostly decimated, the future looks- NO LEAVE IT! BARRY! DON'T LET HIM STEAL THE TRUCK! COME BACK YOU BASTARDS! POLICE! STOP THEM! (fades to silence)
Inspiring stuff.
The aftermath
Following the successful execution of your master plan you are probably in prison and world famous as that person who attacked the news reader on 5 with a banana. When you are released, since nobody cares enough to post your bail, you can start all over again! Those people can't ignore you forever can they? But, until that time arrives, revel in your newfound fame and glory. Just don't drop the soap.
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Featured version: 7 April 2010 |
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