HowTo:Get back to London if you suddenly find yourself in France

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Travelling on the London Underground is at best, unpredictable. But as you sit there, you have to ponder why everyone has started speaking in a strange accent, and if you're female why it's suddenly got a little bit moist. What's with the change? Well in the past, the London Underground has been responsible for special children being put into the care of the worlds worst child carer, and now it's responsible for putting you into the friendly mitts of the French.

Covered by comics on a yearly basis

Preliminary checks[edit]

Making sure you're in France, and not some pretentious film[edit]

Okay first of all don't panic.. look around the train, what do you see? Are there any papers which have metro written on them? If so, you unfortunately find yourself in France. The French call their trainline the metro, or more accurately le metro, and diminishing attention spans in the nation mean there needs to be something to remind them where they are. Another tell-tale sign of being in France is that you become overwhelmingly sure of everything so the chances are you already know where you are, this does not necessarily mean you are right however, but that hardly matters does it?

The dangers of suddenly being in France[edit]

You may notice the metro logo is made up of the colours blue and white, what colour is missing to make up the French flag? RED!? That's right, you happen to be in France where the latest art movement is to graffiti anything lacking one of three colours that belong to the flag. Usually in France, there's a person holding a paint palette and an easel with copious amounts of red paint under his beret, but since this is the recession, we'll have to assume foreign blood is cheaper, is more poignant as far as art is concerned and now you're here, it's more easily obtainable. This means you need to escape the hell hole you suddenly realise you're in as soon as fucking possible. Fortunately, vampires are no longer a worry, so that's a load off your mind.

Blending In[edit]

Drop your fish, chips and carpets. Since we don't want to arouse suspicion that you may be foreign. Drop that caring attitude as well mister, it's not welcome where you are right now. It's vital to remind yourself that you do want to go home, so while you drop that caring attitude, write it down on an "important things to do" list and include a hand drawn picture in case any of the natives are watching you. Borrowing someone's easel to draw your picture may seem like a good idea, but what will the natives think if one of their own doesn't have an easel? Red paint is what.

Refer to this guide if you need more help blending in.

Getting Home[edit]

Planning your Route[edit]

Consult your nearest ticket officer and ask him how you get back to London as fast as possible.. at this point, the French ticket officer may say something like "Sacrebleu!".. In which case he is already being unhelpful, and you must find another ticket officer. Remember, as soon as they say "Sacrebleu!", it's time to move on. (Note: Wearing anything white maximises the chance of the ticket officer being unhelpful, since he is more likely to run off).

One of the most helpful people on the planet

Having him tell you directions in English is just plain dumb, since you've integrated yourself into the French community, speaking English is a sure way of labelling yourself as a spy, if you don't speak French, then you will have to find an overly expressive ticket officer. Ticket officers with face paint who are dressed in black and white stripes will probably be the best people to communicate with, in fact they welcome communication without speech.

Getting Home[edit]

Look for this, smell like lemons

Hopefully you now have enough information to get out of the "Le Metro". and proceed to the Eurostar. Find yourself a KFC, it looks pretty much the same with the exception of the amateur blue paint splattered across the sign. Buy a mea-.. ahh shit, you need euro's.. It's okay it shouldn't be a problem, remember that nobody cares in France, so you should find an abundance of accidentally dropped money and cigarettes on the floor to pay for your meal and perhaps calm your nerves if you need it. I hope you bought something cheap, since all you need is the lemonfresh wipes that usually come buried in your fries. You can eat your meal if you want, but for Christ sakes, don't put ketchup on chicken or you'll have to deal with a small army of painters.

Clean yourself up with the wipes, lemon counteracts garlic very well. If you have been on the Eurostar recently, then you should know that you'll have to pass the sniff test, with the the rule of "if you smell like you've been in France for a while, then Britain probably doesn't want you." Let's hope you found a ticket officer mime in due haste to avoid national aromas sinking in deep. When all said and done, you should be in Britain again after boarding the Eurostar.. Jolly good show, old chap.

Of course, if you actually were in London all this time, then you can ignore the above advice. But start wondering how fast art movements spread.

See Also[edit]