HowTo:Fend off wild animals

Sick and tired of having to run away every time a bobcat crosses your path? Have poor skills in self protection when encountering wild animals? Hospital fees stacking up? It sounds like you need to learn how to fend off wild animals.

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Encountering a wild animal with a partner

All right, Bucko, if you encounter a wild animal, the first thing you don't do is point it out to someone nearby. They will scream "AGH! Jesus Christ! It's a lion!" like a ninny, and surely provoke the flounder into attacking. You should always wait for your partner to notice it so they can point it out to you quietly (don't scream either, you already know it's there). If the animal doesn't notice you, then you sure as hell don't need to start "fending it off". Nobody "fends off" a snoozing lion, so make sure you or your partner try it.

There is now a wild animal directly in front of you and if you don't do something soon you're both getting attacked. Don't worry, there are numerous ways of handling this situation. Here are some of the more basic ones:

Make yourself bigger

Stow it Beavis, you're not Apache Chief, and this is serious. This is one of the most basic steps to getting rid of a wild animal. If you're wearing your jacket, unzip it and hold the two ends of them up as high as possible while uncertainly telling that riled cougar to shoo. It will most oftenly work, since cougars and similar animals are stupid and have no sense of proportion. If pulling up your jacket wasn't enough, try making loud noises, or try yelling in Hebrew. It worked for Moses! Strike fear into that animal's puny brain.

Grab a stick

Oh sure, you did the thing with the jacket but the wild animal is unfazed, hell, it just looks confused. Grabbing a stick is the next best thing to warding the beast off. Bang your stick on stuff, be sure to swish it in the air and try to scare the wild animal into fleeing. If the animal is playful, try making it fetch the stick. See the stick? See the stick? Stick? Stick?! Stick Stupid! FETCH the stick-ah, no wonder you're endangered.

Throw stones

Wild animals hate that! They will groan and get pretty annoyed. Be sure to aim for the noggin, if you hit that, the animal is certain to run away. Wouldn't you run away if someone was barraging your skull with rocks? I thought so.

Animals

Of course these tactics don't apply to every animal equally. Waving a dead tree branch won't cut it when you're fending off a hyena (it'll just go into hysterics at your efforts before lunging for your neck). Be sure to follow the guidelines for unique animals such as the following:

Dingos

Swing your jacket around your head very fastly. A light breeze is the dingo's natural enemy and will send them flying to the nearest shrub patch. Make sure the dingos aren't actually jackals in disguise. Jackals wear bowling shoes.

Laotian Rock Rats

These are deadly animals when they have no idea where they buried their last meal, and if they think you stepped near where they suppose it was buried, they will snap. Take off your jacket and drape it over a tree branch, then, when the rock rat forgets what it was doing, sweep the ground in a golf-club motion very fast. The rock rat will grab hold of it and let go at the peak of your arc. They always do this.

Bulls

Take off your jacket and use your knife to cut a line in your upper arm. Now clean the wound with your jackets sleeve and put it back on. Now wave it in front of something hard and preferably metallic, such as an anvil or a car door. The bull should run at your sleeve and if you pull your arm away too slowly, the bull will slam into it and give you a really nasty bruise. So be sure to jerk your arm away quickly.

Crows

Crows are nasty little peckers, but their nuisance is worse than their caw. Instead of using your arm, sleeve, or jacket, pick up a damned shovel and hit a few crows. If you're confused as to why this method is so effective, it's because unlike movie actors, you're not afraid of picking up a shovel.

Jumping Jehoshaphat

These are nasty little buggers, although much easier to deal with than jumping jacks. Pick up a machete, put on a coonskin hat and whack it with a cliché. It'll go away.

Jumbo Shrimp

Point out to the angry crustacean that it is an oxymoron. It will get offended and leave.

Oxen

An enraged oxen is a lot less dangerous than an enraged bull. Most normal oxen will, when upset, smell worse than usual. Abnormal oxen, when upset, will run to the nearest body of water and jump into it. Handle without usual precaution, and put clothespins on your nose to prevent vomiting.

Ravenous Bugblatter Beasts

These infernal creatures are the deadliest monsters on this guide page. Luckily for you, they are also the stupidest. Theses beasts of Traal have the notion when hunting that if you cannot see it, then it cannot see you. Pull your jacket over your face and try not to laugh.

Gorillas

Do not blink.

Although portrayed as violent, a wild gorilla will not try to rip you to shreds at first sight. Instead, it will challenge you to a staring contest. If you lose, it will then rip you to shreds for being such a pushover. If you win, the gorilla will stare in utter disbelief as it rips you to shreds.

Bears

Wild bears are far more dangerous than regular circus bears, and not as cuddly or skilled in unicycling. By all means, if you ever find yourself in the situation with you and a bear, it's probably your fault for inturrupting it while it was foraging, or its cub was foraging.

Anyway, do not "play dead" like they do in comedy movies. Bears will not sniff you and walk away because you dropped to the floor and curled up in fear, they will maul you. Be smarter than that and run like hell, but not in a straight line. Try zigzaging and doing barrel rolls to throw the bea off, it works. I saw Jeff Corwin do it.

Sharks

You're limited in movements when in water with sharks, so it is best to avoid shark-infested waters. A shark is a very delicate fish, head-on, and they shy away from contact that could endanger them. The two best close-quarters methods of fending off the shark is to punch it right square in the shnozzola. Sharks universally live their whole lives without experiencing this blow to the nose, and you shouldn't have to experience a shark bite. If you have poor aim, then when the shark is murderously close to you, shove your thumb into its eye socket. This will certainly break the sharks contact lens and buy you some time while the shark goes and gets another one. Good luck chum.

Cockroaches

Eeew! Get a flashlight, if you're feeling confident, get some Raid, if you're genocidal, hire a tent to cover your house while you fog the place.

Pigeons

Pigeons are bothersome, numerous and poopy. If wild pigeons are hungry and desperate, they may attack or strike with the alpha male of that pigeon flock. The tactic is succesful and deadly. Rocks are wayward and a shovel won't last you long enough to clear the flock of pigeons. Have a small child with you at all most times, since the small child is the natural enemy of the pigeon and is constantly on the lookout for them.

In closing

You are definitely going to die ready to fend off pesky and dangerous wildlife. All these steps have been proven to be real-life effective, and are some of the methods even used by professional hunters, trackers, farmers, crocodile hunters and exterminators.