HowTo:Exercise your demons

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Demons can become very fat and useless unless they are given regular exercise by a responsible Satanist. In the classic book on Demonology and 'How To Keep That Evil Spirit Trim and Terrible' , Doctor Faustus suggests that a regular supply of virgin blood, frog spit and Chicken McNuggets can have a detrimental effect on a demon and make that just loll about a cave . They will then become deaf to various exhortations by dedicated evil worshippers to make the presence known at a coven and to go out and do the things that demons like doing - like creating merry hell and a horrible new year to their enemies. In short - get those demons working out !

'Is it time for my walkies ?'. A squid ink coloured demon emerges from his lair.

This Looks Like Bollocks[edit]

It is all too easy for those who do not believe in demons to question the value of this article. I say unto thee, the unbeliever, oh! ye of little faith. I will make no further apologies nor will I countenance any reservations you may have towards the truthfulness of this work. To my fellow demon believers I say - on with the lesson!

Don't You Mean Exorcise You Moron?[edit]

Demons tormenting a woman for wearing a terrible green top. Dandyfied demons are prone to come over all fashionista and will insist in five star treatment.

Ah... you still here Mr Sceptic? No. I do mean 'exercise' and not 'exorcise'. Now see, sending a vicar with a bottle of holy water and a bible to 'shake Satan out of you' doesn't work. It is a bit like pesticides and insects. Every time scientists think they have them licked - the critters become immune and go back to munching your crops. The same problem happens with Demons. Exorcising doesn't work - exercise does.

Now you may think - I don't want a lean, mean spirit wrecking havoc on my life. You would rather have some fat and rancid Bugbear instead (though Bugbears do eat a lot I might add). No. Demons need exercise just like you, me and the gatepost. It really is logical if you think about it .

Demons Should Join a Gym[edit]

Yes they should - and in fact they do. What? Don't believe me. Listen... have you ever been working out somewhere and been convinced you are not alone. Chance is you have been on that rowing machine with an invisible demon barking instructions to you to go faster. Of course they use telepathy which is why only you will hear their voice.

So in fact if you know a demon that isn't working out - sign them up and get them down there. They will soon appreciate the thought and will be much fitter demons as a result.

Shape Shifting[edit]

Demons of course are good at morphing into people - or borrowing their bodies - to do nasty things. Now as demons are a fact of life - I would rather my life was full of fit demons than a bunch of fat flame-spouting retards just come in on the first bus from hell. A demon will blend in if they don't smell of sulphur or have a pair of burning red eyes. These days Demons - at least the more progressive ones - think all that stuff is for idiots and that Demons work much better if they look like someone you respect. Like a journalist, a bank manager, politician or someone who has been in prison for 30 years. That way - the demon will have perfectly blended into the local community.

Sheep Shearing[edit]

Australians believe that sheep shearing is a good job for a demon and it soon wears them out. A flock of sheep will shag out a demon - even a lean mean one.

Alan Shearer[edit]

Best undercover footballing demon I know. Likes Newcastle a lot. A top, top demon.

Making Sure Your Demon Doesn't Embarrass You at Your Coming Out Orgy[edit]

Even a well trained and healthy demon can let you down at an orgy. OK when I mean orgy I really mean a Wicca Evening - you know all that candles and upside down crucifix stuff and dancing around a bonfire in your birthday kit. Demons are supposed to come up at those events but if they don't - there is no point moaning. Just make sure you have more than one demon booked for the party - so if two do turn up, then your orgy/Satanist party will have been judged a success.

Cutting Down On Fatty Food Victims[edit]

Something important. Don't feed your demons with fat victims. It clogs up their evil arteries - although I know strictly speaking, a demon possesses no body of its own.

Problems of Getting Health Insurance for an Incubus[edit]

They are not appreciated even when fully fit. Something to do with Socialism. Anyway trying to get health insurance for something that is dead to start with is what the insurance business like to describe as fraud. However the best riposte is to argue that as your demon is already dead, he can't invalidate his insurance cover. But I do suggest you get some insurance, if you hang around to the end of the article, I will email you some good brokers.

Do Demons Make Bad Pets?[edit]

Yes they do, but isn't that the point? In fact, they are diabolical to house train. I once had a litter of demons to deal with, they say all shit smells the same. Well not the stuff that comes out from Hades, burns through the carpet, into the floor and will drip down below too - just like that acidic blood in the Alien Films. So it is perhaps advisable to warn people what you are keeping chained to the wall, but from my experience, I would suggest not. Word gets around you see, and before you can say Demon dung, people within a mile of you will be turning up on your doorstep to try and burn you out... so just blame the plumbing like everyone else.

Despite their mean little foibles and moral failings, you can keep your 'familiars' reasonably in order. Avoid feeding the little devils a high protein diet i.e. yourself, will you?

Should I marry one ?[edit]

Demons are not the marrying type and if by chance you do go down the aisle with Beelzebub's best friend, you'll be soon spitting tacks at each other. And the demon will ask for your soul too, seems about the only thing they ever want to get off a human.

My sister once married a demon so I know the problem. Snarling, spitting and mouthing obscenities, I was surprised he stuck it out with her as long as he did. But they lived in a remote cottage up in North Wales so I understand why my demonic brother-in-law preferred to stay married to her or risking greater danger from the local Gossamer Beynons close by.


Sorry if this has appeared to be a tiny bit jumbled but the devil got into the details of this article and rendered it - and me - incoherent. Devil took me I guess...

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