HowTo:Dig a big hole

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An example of a hole. Not quite large, and it could really be shaped better, but I expect it was someone's first try.

Digging is fast becoming a lost art. Fewer people find that digging holes are necessary; many holes these days are dug by a select few construction companies, telecommunications companies, and graveyard technicians. But the point is that digging a hole is just as accessible to the common man! With the right tools and instruction, you could even dig a very big hole anywhere you desired! And in this wonderful article, you will quickly learn how to do exactly that.

Why dig a hole?[edit]

Unless you are an ideal person who is always open to good opportunities, you may very well require a reason before even considering to dig a hole. While this is annoying, it is possible to explain why holes can be dug by anyone. Some of the most common reasons include waste disposal, a way to hold a plant during gardening, or to collect dew for a barnyard animal such as a large dog. Big holes, as opposed to regular or medium sized holes, can have many different uses. Ideally, a well-dug hole could be used for anything you desire. Anything at all.

One additional purpose of a large hole would be to contain an object that must be concealed from the sight of passerby. A bed, for instance? Or perhaps a large bag of good marijuana? That sounds good to me, but of course that is just my own opinion. I cannot make your decisions. If the hole will be used for activities that require any degree of movement, then placing things such as blankets and towels around the walls of the hole can increase the in-hole comfort greatly.

Getting Started[edit]

You'll need a few things before digging that big hole of yours. Here are the main tools needed to start the job:

  • A patch of ground
  • A lemon
  • A hoe (garden variety)
  • Pasteurized milk
  • Water
  • Shovel
  • Monocle
  • Blue tarp

When picking of these tools, try to obtain the highest quality of each. To make a hole that will hold itself up and not require stabilization, you must have tools that will provide the best digging quality. If the hole cannot hold itself up, then purchasing toothpicks will be necessary. Buy these toothpicks in bulk to save money.


Test the earth before digging to ensure the highest quality hole.

Gather your materials around you in a circular fashion for easy access. In some cases, switching between tools may be more important. Then, choose a suitable patch of ground for digging. This patch of ground can have grass, but be sure to mow or trim whatever grass is there for easier shovel and hoe access to the ground. Place orange construction barrels around the digging area to alert others that you are down to business with this hole. Test the firmness of the ground, take small samples and taste these to determine the toxin levels and even moistness of the virgin soil. Finally, place some of that nice old tarp off to the side of the area. This will be important later.When you believe you are ready, take a swig of ale and begin.

The Digging Part[edit]


Do some research on the soil in your area. Soils with higher lead content may require greater amounts of milk.

Once your earth has been inspected, take up the jug of pasteurized milk. Pour the entire jug on the area that will be dug up. This loosens the ground, and soaks in a bit so that digging can be initiated much faster. After pouring enough milk to make the ground slightly white and saturated with fatty goodness, take up your hoe. Begin digging in around the milk-soaked perimeter, creating a sort of cut-out in the ground. Milk will seep into these cuts, so this is where you must pour some water around the edge of the patch of earth, to dilute the corrosive affects of the milk. You can even drink some of the water, if you wish.

Now that the ground is nice and soaked and cut around the edges, take up thy shovel and begin to dig. Use good body mechanics while doing this, so as to not hurt your back. Vigorously fling the dirt that you pull up over onto the blue tarp you laid down earlier. If the hole is a nice big one, take your time, because NOTHING is worse than a rushed hole. You have spent time on this creation, and you want to be satisfied in the end.

Keep on digging until you have reached your desired depth. This could be anywhere from five to twelve feet deep, depending on the time you want to spend on the hole and the purpose you wish it to serve. The width depends on the same factors. Burying multiple carcasses will require a hole both wide and deep, to keep the authorities from discovering your proud kills. The result after initial digging is called the Rough Hole, and it is only the start of what will soon be a truly beautiful, self-supportive hole.

Perfecting the Hole[edit]

The rough hole you have now may be adequate, but is in no way a pretty sight. This is where the time comes to make this hole a work of art. Reach down into the collection of dirt you currently have on the blue tarp. Mash the dirt with your hands slightly to make it smoother and less chunky. Then, begin smearing it on the walls of the hole. Once you have smoothed out an upper portion of the hole, take the lemon and gently squeeze some of the life-providing juice onto the inside of the hole. This lemon juice, freshly squeezed, no only strengthens the walls of the hole, but can also provide a wonderful deodorizing property. Continue smoothing out the walls of the hole and squeeze as many lemons as you need to ensure in-hole strength until you have a hole that is something you'd be proud to show your parents. Do some last minute touches and sharpen the ground edge of the hole. You're just about done! But the next part is very tricky.

The Monocle[edit]

You have not yet used the monocle you brought along to the digging, but I have saved the monocle part for last because it can be very taxing.