HowTo:Be a vampire
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Vampirism is the stuff of legends, popularized by Bram Stoker's universally known blood-gargler, Count Dracula, and to a lesser extent the Count Chocula of General Mills fame. Here we present a HowTo guide to becoming a vampire.
Why become a vampire?
You realized at an early age that you're somehow different to everyone else. Perhaps you see events before they occur, or maybe you posess the uncanny ability to guess the result of a coin-toss in around 50% of your attempts. You never quite felt the same as everyone else. Basic biology is telling you that you really are 9,999,999 in a million, but you know that you're more special than these sheeple.
You'll quickly find that what you can physically prove is unimportant. All that matters is what you claim yourself to be on random Internet forums. Being a vampire is pretty sweet. They have supernatural powers (you don't). They are charming and cunning (you aren't). You can however dress strangely and tell people that you're a vampire, and you will certainly find much support from the vampire and otherkin communities that plague Deviant Art.
The basics of vampirism
The vampire lifestyle is remarkably flexible, but there are some core features of vampires that must be acknowledged. Fortunately vampirism, like most phoney-baloney new-age belief systems, is pretty vague.
Vampires must feed
Perhaps one of nature's most magical sights is a creepy guy in evening dress awaking a busty maiden from her slumber in order to rip her throat open and gorge himself on her rich blood as it pumps from her body. This however is problematic for modern vampires.
- It's illegal, even in Mexico
- People who go around murdering people for their blood are more commonly termed psychopaths than vampires
- Drinking human blood is not as cool as it appears, and is quite nauseating
Ethical issues aside, vampires tend to be aware that men with eyeliner and painted nails do not fare well in prison. The practice of feeding on blood is known as sanguinarian vampirism, and as we've learnt, is both unpleasant and risky. The alternative is to adopt psychic vampirism. Psychic vampires use their magickal powers™ to drain psychic sustenance from their victims - in many cases without the need for any physical contact. This is particularly useful when your appearance at parties is met with the greeting "get away from me, you fat goth loser freak".
Vampires can opt for a hybrid approach in which they rely on their psychic feeding to keep them alive, but on occasion find a willing friend who'll provide them with a thimble full of blood to sip while watching Twilight.
Vampires catch fire when exposed to sunlight
This would appear to be a show-stopper. Your failure to crumble in to dust on nice sunny day should certainly harm your credibility as a vampire, but that is not the case. Some vampires are fortunate to have legitimate medical issues that cause them to develop a nasty rash when in the sun, and some are just ginger. Most however could happily enjoy an afternoon at the beach, and probably will have to when their parents insist that they spend some time outdoors. Vampires have two basic options:
- Secrete flammable materials about oneself, to be surreptitiously lit when forced to venture out in to the sun. The vampire can tailor the materials to achieve anything from raging inferno to slight smoldering. The latter is generally safer.
- Keep telling people how much you dislike the sun and perhaps scowl when mother opens the curtains, but ultimately treat sunlight as more an annoyance than a serious threat. This is lame, but the best you'll get unless you have a real sun-related disorder or the balls to set yourself alight.
Vampires of fiction displaced humans at the top of food chain through a combination of strength and guile. They either hid well or disguised themselves so they could blend-in and walk the world without drawing undue attention to themselves. You however are going to take a different tack. Just as Wicca is pointless unless Wiccans have the opportunity to bore people their pseudo-religious chicanery, being a vampire is pointless if you don't stand out like a sore-thumb wearing a tacky skull ring and with the nail painted black.
Think of the Lestat character in Queen of the Damned minus supernatural powers, a successful band, and a general aura of cool. That can be you!
Male vampires are aiming for darkly colored garb - ideally vintage dark blue or black evening-wear. If color was the only important factor then ninjas and vampires would be indistinguishable from one-another. Ninjas dress for concealment and ease of movement. Your outfit should make you incredibly visible when you're sitting at the mall enjoying a box of friend chicken. Wear eyeliner, but be wary of using excessive amounts of make-up. Many a socially-challenged loser has set-out to become a vampire, but in reality more closely resemble Boy George in funeral-wear.
Female vampires will adopt a similar style to their male counterparts, but they'll be attractive in a weird kind of way. Go for the goth look and you're there. If looking for a guide then try to imagine how the daughter of Death would dress. Unlike goths, female vampires are not required to weigh upwards of 300 pounds unless they are also Wiccans. Make-up is important, and to be applied liberally. Generally the vampire will focus on darker shades, such as black and a deep-red, and will apply it in such a way as to resemble a black and white Ronald McDonald, or a Jughead with a cheap Halloween makeup kit.
Most vampires are not fortunate enough to naturally have extended canine teeth, but this problem is easily resolved. There are a number of options open to vampires.
- Claim that your teeth only come out when feeding
- They fell out (vampire gingivitis)
- You deliberately file-down your teeth in order to blend-in
- Get a job and have your teeth surgically enhanced
- Buy a set of plastic fangs from a joke-shop
If you should decide to wear visible fangs then certainly be aware that you should never allow yourself to appear in a photo unless you're opening your mouth in such a way that they can always be seen. You may have to change the way you talk in order to enhance visibility of your fangs. Unfortunately this will likely result in a lisp, but such things matter little to a denizen of the night whose dad can pay for reparative speech-therapy when their 28-year-old offspring finally grows out of playing vampires.
Fleshing out your belief system
As explained earlier, the vampire lifestyle is remarkably flexible. Vampirism is totally compatible with just about any religion, so long as you want it to be. While vampire Muslims are rare, yet very cool, many vampires see no obvious problems in mixing eternal life fed with the blood of innocents with Christianity and any number of new-age what-the-fuckery, such as paganism. Even if it seems as sensible as self-identifying as a celibate rapist - just mix in anything that sounds cool.
By following our advice and that given by our experts you will very quickly be ready to embark on a life in the shadows of society. Some will not understand your curiously new-found vampirism, or your apparent aversion to drinking the blood you claim necessary to maintain your immortality, and some may even comment cruelly when your immortal life comes to an end - but this is just because mortals don't understand how special you are.
- ↑ Not technically a vampire, but you will look pretty cool.