HowTo:Be a prophet

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“I've wanted to be a prophet for years! How do I got about doing it?”

~ Tom Cruise on Propheteering

This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
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Let's not waste any time then! Lots of people have been prophets, with limited to explosive success. Today, we'll cover the basics:

  • Predicting the future.
  • Talking to God.
  • Spreading the Word.
  • Being able to change views when people begin to think you're a crazy cult.

Predicting the Future[edit]

Definately not: Too specific and not flashy enough. Back to the drawing board, loser.
Congradulations! You got it this time. You're still a loser, though.

So, HowTo guy, how do I predict the future? Well, I'm glad I asked. You need to be sure to include ambiguities or cryptic phrasing. For example, "You'll die next Sunday" will almost surely get your ass kicked the following sunday. However, "You will die on a day when there is no moon in the sky" works much better.

One mistake rookies make is to prophesize within their life expectancy. This is a bad idea for two reasons:

  • It makes you responsible for your actions.
  • Anything within your life is bound to be uninteresting.

Novices can fall into traps like that, and the only way out is to change your name or kill anyone who knows it. But that's very illegal and messy. Don't do that.

Talking To God[edit]

Lots of people have done it. Jesus, Jim Jones, Jerry Falwell, Gerard Way; obviously it helps if your name begins with "J" (or the the soft G syllable). Zarathustra did it too, but he said we killed God, so fuck him.

The first step involves mind-altering drugs. This can be circumvented with a short stint of breathing within a brown paper bag. If that fails, you can combine the two, white trash-style.

Step two is to write everything down. It might just end up like this:

So I saw I guy and he's the kind of helpful hardware man who glasses glass Philip Philip in the sidelines of the elephant. So I drank his urine and sprung back into the bug and flew away on some acid.

This is usually referred to as the "beta" stage, but can be easily condensed to this:

Don't drink urine, or indeed follow the path of a hermit.

That may be a given, but if it's from the mouth of God, it will be printed on mugs and t-shirts everywhere.

Spreading the Word[edit]

TV is the preferred method of the professionals; print allows your evil, evil detractors to actually rebut you. This is never good. But when you're interviewed on Nightline, you might just get the occaisonal vial of holy water thrown at you.

When you're predicting the future, always make the prediction big an exciting: the end of the world or a nationwide plague is a good place to start. Whatever tea Johnny Foriegner is drinking right now is boring and dull.

Handing out leaflets is a surefire way to establish yourself within the propheteering community. Stick them everywhere; cars, doormats, drycleaning. You could even roll one up and store it in a prostitute's wares. Be inventive.


Get your ass out there! You're a fully-certified prophet, at least to the extent that Uncyclopedia can certify people. Begone!