HowTo:Annoy your teacher
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In 1977, after The War, containment centers funded by The Government were set up all over the world. Disguised as educational containment centers, children were thrown in by the hundreds, sometimes thousands, to each individual center. Schools, as they are called, continue to plague the planet to this day. The ranking system goes as follows from lowest to highest: You, dirt, garbage, thrown away food, the pieces of gum stuck under desks and tables, amoebas, your lunch lady, school peons (temps), your teacher, yard guards (yard duties, lard duties, all the same thing), your principal, and finally, The Receptionist. Teachers will beat you down constantly and abuse their power, and it is your duty to fight back against the opressors.
Teachers and You
Now, as you may or may not know, teachers are evil. They are scum. They use propaganda to brainwash you into thinking they have low paying jobs and hate their job. None of it is true. They are paid more than heart surgeons and thoroughly enjoy torturing their students. Never trust these creatures, as they will judge you, torment you, and betray you in the blink of an eye. For those of you who are new to this information, either change your ways at this moment, or go drink a few shots of milk.
“You're doing a good job.”
For newbies, or converts, your first step must be to figure out your teacher. You must decide what type of teacher she is, what she likes, and her reactions to everything. I say everything because it is a known fact that teachers will dislike anything you do. Anything at all. It enrages them when you do your work because it gives you a safe card for not getting yelled at, and they hate it even more when you do your work well because they won't be able to criticize it. You're better off just not doing anything at all, because that gives you more time for more important activities and you might finally be able to relax, confident that some deranged, senile old woman isn't deciding on future tactics for destroying your ambitions and happiness.
I Want To Annoy My Teacher!!
SO, you think you're ready, eh? Here are several methods and a few tips. Note: This is not a full guide, these are just tips to kick off people just discovering that their life has been a lie and the work and steadfast determination they have put out for years has been based on lies and trashed by adults with no souls.
- Number 1: Speak gibberish or other languages when called on. In fact, just try to talk a lot in general. Speaking in a way they can't understand would do one of a few things; either their head would asplode, they'd scream their head off at you for being a "distraction", or they'd pretend that they never called on you and instead call on one of the strategically placed sheep in the class.
- Number B: Whenever the need arises, always forget proper of syntax grammar when using teacher while of talking teacher too. Will day up grammar fuck nazis any.
- Numero tres: Steal your teacher's student list or class list (whichever term tickles your pickle more) and write down any of the following names instead of those used by your fellow classmate. Bob Geldof, Amanda Huginkiss, I.C. Wiener, Hugh Jazz, the Pope, all four of the Ninja Turtles, Drew Peacock,<insert name here> great options. Do this on the first day of school before he/she/dalek gets to your class.
- Number, that one that comes before five, but sometime after 3, but not three : Whenever called on, always forget what you were going to say. And for others, repeat something someone else said who was obviously wrong, as much as possible (to avoid detection, we here at Uncyclopedia reccomend using a variation of said wrong statement, as your teacher is probably so hopped up on kittens, they won't see subtle change). And make a big deal out of answering and getting picked on.
- Number 1+1+1+1+1: Spell everything wrong. It may ruin your grades, end fure thie moar divoted beliertvers uuho[m] I know it wowun't duo mooch werk, butt ween u doo(dy), giv tem wryst caramps ieen halfing tu chorrect evey meeesteake yu "accidentally make". Conjunction reccomend in use bad with syntax maximum for brainfuck.
- Number Six: For one day every week, act nearly fatally offended by every word your teacher speaks. Oh, and constantly accuse the teacher of racism. This method works best during Black History month and if you yourself are a minority.
- Number boeing 777: Be intolerably immature during conferences or private discussions. HAAHAHHAHAHA,YOU SAID PRIVATE!!!@2111213eleven hehehehe bewbz
- Number Ate: Pretend you're gay for them for one day every week. If they say you're gay, tell them "I'm just different Honeybunkins". (Note: ONLY works if they are the same sex as you; for maximum damage, make sure they are conservative.)
- Number 9 (holy shit, its not a pun!): Sidetrack the class into a discussion about politics or something of the sort during history or science, or any subject for that matter. Make sure the discussions or arguments last for at least 5 minutes. This works best if the topic is very controversial and one that people are passionate about, such as abortion, the death penalty, or the death penalty for fetuses.
- Number 7en For one day each week, on every math assignment you do, write out all your problems and answers in long, confusing, and stupid words. For example: Ten added to three is equal to thirteen; much more complicated than "10+3=13" and therefore making your teacher's job harder. WARNING: Only works with teachers that actually look at the assingment.
- Number leet: For one day each week, write |1K3 7|-|1$.|= |_||<||\|9 R374rd
- Number e-lev-hen: Question EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERY. FUCKING. THING. no matter how trivial, and be relentless, like vandals.
- number The vel V: Tap as loud as possible during classwork or a test. (This could annoy your classmates too, so do it sparingly.)
- Number 13 ohmygodohmygod BAD LUCK: Every answer is "Ehh I dont know." Remember, be polite, not sarcastic.
- 'Number 14': Make the loudest noise you can and hope for the best. (Slamming your head on the desk works very well and doesn't hurt if you do it correctly. Also, squealing like a pig as you do this is even more effective.) Hopefully their ears will bleed.
- Number 16-1: Pack your backpack full of condoms/water balloons/inflatable toys. It is best if all items are identical. In the middle of class, take out the first item and blow it up as big as you can until the teacher calls you out on it and takes the item away. Wait exactly three seconds and then take out the next item. Repeat until your teacher demands you to empty the bag.
- Number patriotic: While standing for the Pledge of Allegiance (if in America) or just whenever you feel like it, sing "The Star Spangled Banner" as badly as you can. Sing over your teacher's yells for you to shut up. When you are finished sit back down and deny that anything just happened.
- Number 17: Take selfies during class with a Gameboy Color. Bring five-hundred to class in case your teacher tries to take it away.