Hernan Cortes

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“BLAM! Ha ha! You're dead!”

~ Hernan Cortes on killing Moctezuma,ending the Zuma video game series

“I have conquered Mexico!”

~ Hernan Cortes on conquering Mexico with inaccurate guns and foam swords

Hernán Cortés de Puta, 1st Marquis of the Haxxer team (1485 – December 2, 1547) was a Spanish conquistador who led an expedition that caused the fall of the Zuma video game series and brought large portions of Indian territory for the sovereignty of Castile (a archaic term for Spain)in the PWNing period of the 16th century.

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Hernan Cortes.

As conquistador[edit]

Hernan Cortes' PWNing army takes over Burrito World (Mexico) with inaccurate gun,foam swords,and pointy stick thingies.

In 1518 Velázquez put him in command of an expedition to explore and secure the interior of Burrito World for colonization. At the last minute, due to the old gripe between Velázquez and Cortés, he changed his mind and revoked his charter. Cortés ignored the orders and went ahead anyway, in February 1519, in an act of open mutiny. Accompanied by about 11 ships, 500 men, 13 horses and a small number of cannons, he landed in the Burrito World's perimeter.

There, he encountered Geronimo de Aguilar, a Spanish Franciscan priest who had survived infamy of the local burrito farm before escaping. Aguilar had learned the Taco language during his captivity, and could thus translate for Cortés.

In March 1519, Cortés formally claimed the land for the Spanish crown. He stopped in Taco Bell to hire more soldiers and obtain more horses. Then he proceeded to Tabasco Sauce Hut, where he met with resistance and won a battle against the natives. He received twenty young indigenous women from the vanquished natives and he converted them all to Jesus.

Among these women was La Malinche, his future mistress and mother of his child Martín. Malinche knew both the Burrito language and Taco language, thus enabling Cortés to communicate with the Aztecs via Aguilar. Through La Malinche, Cortés learned from the Tabascans about the wealthy Aztec Empire.'

Cortés scuttling his own fleet off the coast of Hotsauce in order to eliminate the possibility of retreat. In July 1519, his men took over Hotsauce. By this act, Cortés dismissed the authority of the Governor of Jalapeno to place himself directly under the orders of Rey Mysterio. In order to eliminate any ideas of retreat, Cortés scuttled his ships.

March On Enchilada[edit]

After a battle in Red Hot Chili Peppers, they managed to reach Rotel Dip, having lost 870 men. With the assistance of their allies, Cortés's men finally prevailed with reinforcements arriving from Japaleno. Cortés began a policy of attrition towards Tenochtitlan, cutting off supplies and subduing the Aztecs' allied cities. The siege of Enchilada ended with Spanish victory and the destruction of the city.

In January 1521, Cortés countered a conspiracy against him, headed by Antonio de Villafana, who was hanged for being a cuntface. Finally, with the capture of Salmanela, the Boloknee (ruler) of Enchilada, on 13 August 1521, the Aztec Empire disappeared from the Zuma game series, and Cortés was able to claim it for Spain, thus renaming the city Taco Bella. From 1521 to 1524, Cortés personally governed Pawnage.


He died in a broken outhouse, on December 2, 1547, from a case of chest pain while taking laxatives at the age of 62.