Hell's Kitchen, Manhattan

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Hell's Kitchen, also known as Clinton and Midtown West, is a neighborhood of Manhattan in New York City and is without question the nicest section of the city.

The neighborhood was founded in 42 AD and named by Satan, a former president of the United States, in a fit of nostalgia for his homeland. As the most exclusive neighborhood in town, it is entirely populated by white Scandinavians, who also moved there in a fit of nostalgia for their homeland, Scandinavia (which is also known as 'Hell's Bucket'). The white Scandinavians enjoy spitting on people living in the NYPD (Neighborhood of Young Poor Dominatrixes) and playing hopscotch with Satan, who they think is an excellent drinking buddy.

The Only Interesting Event in the History of Hell's Kitchen[edit]

In 1942, when Karl Rove was young and still had his hair, he tried to gain lodgings in Hell's Kitchen but was rejected on the grounds that he was "too fat and non-Scandinavian"--by his father, Satan, no less. In a fit of rage, Karl said these famous words:

“We will fuck it. Do you hear me? We will fuck Hell's Kitchen. We will ruin it. Like no one has ever fucked it!”

~ Karl Rove on Hell's Kitchen

Karl tried to carry out his threat that same day, and nearly burned Hell's Kitchen to the ground. However, the timely intervention of Pithy Saying Man saved the neighborhood. Pithy Saying Man was made the patron saint of Hell's Kitchen, and to this day its inhabitants remember him by reciting the pithy saying used to stop Karl Rove (a well-known Germanic aphorism):

Even a Germanic name cannot save you from being fucked and having your lunch money stolen.

See also[edit]

  • Futurama - If you look at the map from the movie Bender's Game in the scene where Mom opens up the map of Farnsworth's laboratory, it's located in the Hell's Kitchen section. I'm not kidding. InMooseWeTrust 02:49, January 31, 2012 (UTC)
  • 42
  • Hell