Hearing voices
“Did you hear that?”
Hearing voices or more accurately auditory hallucinations or even more accurately taking a triple flip of the deep end is a phrase used to describe the more general phenomena of experiencing sound without the actual stimuli of vibrating air - unless of course that stimuli is there and you just can't see it because of your regular Hallucinations. Hearing voices is indeed the most common form of auditory hallucination and is often associated with the disorders of mania, schizophrenia and Kitten abuse .
The three most established forms of lapsing into madness via hearing voices include the following.
Hearing your own voice describing your thoughts - like you are right now if you can't read in your head without hearing your own voice, unless of course you cannot read in your head at all, in which case it is your actual voice you're hearing (although it is also possible that you are hearing your own voice in your head at the same time as you are hearing it out loud, if this is the case than you should seek medical advice immediately).
Hearing a voice narrating your actions - like if you were living in a Thomas The Tank Engine engine episode where Ringo Star stoically described everything you were doing; be it picking out loose vegetables in the supermarket, composing a spreadsheet demonstrating the relative merits on numerical methods, or breaking in to a stranger's house and knifing them and knifing them and knifing them and knifing them and knifing them.
Hearing a group of voices arguing over you- what's that?, you want me to stop? Yeah? Uh huh, right. OK got it, sorry. Jeez can you believe these guys eh? Total dicks.
Famous examples[edit]
Even the beautiful people hear voices sometimes.
Eminem[edit]
Ever since his adolescence Eminem has been open about hearing voices, and in fact claims that the majority of his raps are just him rapping along to the disembodied voice of his mentor old Ben. Other gentlemen of the trade often argue that this gives Eminem an unfair advantage in the slam arena - as he does not require any draft time before his rounds.
George W. Bush[edit]
In private memos addressed to his father, George admitted to hearing arguments, mostly when nobody was around. George Sr. promptly told his son to ignore what he referred to as "the demonic choirs". Years later after a cross examination of the reports it was found that the voices were emanating from Bush's cellphone and were in fact those of his advisers.
Am I hearing voices?[edit]
I dunno, are you? Still not sure? Answer this small questionnaire and maybe that will ease your mind about the whole thing. Simply sum your answers to each question and then check your total against our handy scale.
| Question | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Did you hear that? | no | I'm not sure | yes | OH GOD THE VOICES |
| What about that, did you hear that? | really, no | it could have been the TV | oh my god, how do you know? | LALALALA I'M NOT LISTENING |
| Have you ever heard your name whispered in the wind? | no | its possible | it speaks to my soul | PLEASE MAKE IT STOP |
| Did you ever call your teacher mum? | dude no | I can't remember | yes | SO EMBARRASSED HELP |
| Which of these numbers is the number two? | this one | this one | this one | I CAN'T HEAR YOU |
| What about now? | yes | yes | yes | YES |
'6-10'
You are most probably a well adjusted individual, congratulations! You're also probably way sexy too aren't you? call me - 01311 555 10101.
'10-15'
Chances are you're just misinterpreting everyday sounds, that or getting trolled.
'15-20'
Wow, did you take that test seriously? Maybe time to switch off for a bit, get some sleep - if you don't feel better in the morning seek help.
'20-24'
It appears you are hearing voices, oh well! At least you can be edgy and cool now.
History[edit]
In days past, hearing voices was a common ailment. Those suffering from auditory hallucinations - and whom were too stupid to not tell anyone - could go down one of two paths. Option A: become heralded as a witch or some sort of demon spirit, or option B: become credited as a prophet able to hear angels. Either way those hearing voices often gained cult status among the general populace and went on to sell platinum records sheet music.
Through the Renaissance era and into the scientific revolution the recorded cases of hearing voices dropped significantly, especially after the revelations that not only can people hear through some walls, but also around corners. Treatments for this condition also developed through the course of history, starting with imprisonment into insane asylums - often dubbed 'listening posts'. Eventually treatment evolved past the electro-shock therapy and methamphetamine palliatives to the now established cure of rectal digital stimulation.
Causes[edit]
There are several known causes for hearing voices, and potentially infinite unknown causes, each of which is - paradoxically - more fascinating than the last. The major psychiatric conditions such as bat-shit crazyitus are often evident in an MRI of the wacko's brain, preferably during listening spell. Study of these images have shown letters, words and phrases and in one case a relief of Jesus' profile within peoples brains. This evidence points towards neurological universal trace syndrome (or NUTS for short) a disease that causes portions of patient's brains to resemble common phrases heard in everyday life. After a recent autopsy of British trial participant the words "bloody wanker" could be seen, seemingly carved into the brain after years of repeat exposure.
Ongoing research[edit]
If you want to help fight mankind's battle with hearing voices, consider donating your obviously demented brain to medical science today - be honest, you weren't really using it anyway.