From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Youv'e taken a left at the stump, did you want to get to Hastings, New Zealand?
Map of the S.E England

“Sun, Sea and Sand! Hastings has - Sea.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Hastings

Closest border: England
Formal status: Health Hazard
Where it is
County: East Sussex
Region: The Southeast
Nation: Mediocre Britain
Post town: HASTINGS
Postcode: LO66
Dialling Code: 0800 00 1066

Hastings (pronounced: "ayst-inns") is a small seaside town on the South Coast of England. Famous for a battle that didn't happen here in 1066. The battle took place up the road in a small town called Battle which was quite lucky really. Hastings is still not recognised by the pope (see map) and only formally joined the United Kingdom in 1976.


Early History[edit]

Hastings was first occupied in Prehistoric times, and traces of its prehistoric past can still be found on the West Hill, the East Hill and in the minds & attitudes of today's residents.

The Romans passed through Hastings, rather hurriedly, and their only contribution to the town was to build a huge bath, presumably in the hope that the residents would take the hint.

In Anglo-Saxon times, Hastings was a separate Kingdom in its own right, and the Overlordship of Hastings was the subject of fierce debate between the Kings of Sussex and Kent, neither of whom wanted it. The town still proudly asserts its individuality today, by, for example, managing to be a severely deprived town in one of the most prosperous counties in England. The Anglo-Saxons established the town's first Art Gallery on The Stade, "Ye Jerwode Galerei". Recently (2012) there has been much debate in the town following the Council's decision to build a fishing fleet on the site of Ye Jerwode Galerei, with detractors claiming it would destroy the traditional, 1000-year-old "arty-farty" atmosphere of The Old Town.

Hastings Castle (2004)

King Athelstan established a Mint in Hastings in the 9th century, although it was later shut down after Police discovered that the supposed 'mint' was in fact cannabis.

Medieval Hastings[edit]

Under the Norman kings of England, Hastings was elected to be a Sink Port, and although no longer a port, the town still has several Sink Estates. Nothing else happened until 1923. (Mentally insert the usual seaside-town stuff about smugglers, the rise of the seaside resort, etc etc if you wish. Try copy & pasting from the history section of any other English seaside town - they're all the same.)

The Birthplace of Television[edit]

Television was invented in Hastings in 1923 by John Logie Baird (who was actually trying to fix his microwave at the time). Unfortunately, Television Studios were not invented until the 1930's, so early TV subscribers had to watch a blank screen for 10 years. Nevertheless, Hastings proudly claims to be "The Birthplace of Television" and hence, by extension, the Birthplace of "Britain's Got Talent", "You've Been Framed", "Pets Do The Funniest Things", the "Go Compare" adverts and Pay-Per-View Sky Sports. Some American bloke, Philo Farnsworth, also claimed to have invented Television, but he didn't live in Hastings so he is clearly mistaken.

The town does have more history but I'm off to the pub now. Might finish this later if I can bothered.

Many Attractions[edit]

The Normans built a castle here, rather close to the edge of the cliff overlooking the crazy golf course. Unfortunately, they built it rather too close to the edge, so when they got round to doing the bit by the cliff edge they found out they'd run out of space so consequently had to leave that bit looking a bit ruined.

The town's other attractions include a pier (which is normally on fire), smuggler's caves (no longer occupied) and a Robert Dyas (not as good as it sounds).

Hastings Castle (Today)

A major landmark on the seafront is Marine Court, a block of flats built to resemble an Ocean Liner. A similar project, an Ocean Liner built to resemble a block of flats, was not a success and can still be seen at low tide, 50 yards from the shore.

The Crypt, the town's premier nite club, offers a wide range of 80s music, actually having a double 80s disc which it plays every Thursday. The club is also used to cultivate a dark brown/black substance know as C6S4 (crypt slime) a highly corrosive substance used in the construction industry.


Captain Arthur Hastings was Hercule Poirot's assistant.

Hastings has a rather poor quality football team, Hastings United, and the town council decided to tarmac over the attractive cricket ground in the centre of town to build a substandard shopping centre, in the hope that some people might think they were in Eastbourne. Many tourists come to Hastings just to mock the football team.