Great Train Robbery

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The Great Train Robbery is the prequel to the hit murder simulator series Grand Theft Auto, which was released in 1898 by Thomas Edison.


On a sunny day in August 1996 four armed robbers apprehended and stole the 4:15 from Paddington in what became known as The Great Train Robbery.

The Robbers[edit]

  • Ronnie Biggs
  • Larry Hughes
  • Harry Harrison
  • Lucinda Green
  • Artemis Fowl..shhh

The Train[edit]

"I was robbed"

The 4:15 from Paddington, approximately 64 tonnes in weight and carring between one and two hundred passengers and 12.5 staff, more than one of whom may or may not have been called Tiny Roland. It was owned by Chairman Mao and was blue.

The Plan[edit]

  1. Steal the train
  2. ???
  3. Profit
  4. Like, run

The Execution[edit]

The robbers positioned themselves to the left of the railway line about 250 yards before the Large Stoney Bridge of Bridgeton. They had a clear view almost a mile down the track which would give them plenty of warning of the trains impending arrival.

Larry the dirty cunt Hughes had spent the past week sewing together old mailbags and rolled up newspapers to make a giant blanket capable of covering the train and thus hiding it from The filth wot is otherwise known as the Police. Larry the filthy bastard Harrison had borrowed his sister's horse and cart to tow away the train.

As the train came into view they made their move. Lucinda Fuck Ewe Green ran headlong down the track fully intending to use her mighty strength to bring it to a halt. She slammed headfirst into the train, lowering her shoulder to allow herself to exert the maximum force against the train. Unfortunately she was run over and killed.

This caused Panic to break out amonst the robbers, and the train driver who was now fully aware of their plans and busied himself by persistently shouting "What's all this then" down the track in a deceptively high pitch. Larry the sordid nonce Biggs at this point tried to stop the train himself. Running down the track at full pelt he kung fu kicked the train but he too was run over and killed by the oncoming engine. This left only two of the robbers to have it away with the train.

Ronnie the massive dangler Green at this point got clever and chucked some leaves the track. This worked like a charm and brought the train to a stop. After immobilising the train driver with a punch to the nose, he and Harry the smelly sod Hughes covered the train with the blanket and shoved it on the cart. They legged it sharpish towards St. Albans where they hid the train round the back of the Cathedral where it wouldn't be seen. In the end Artemis Fowl stole all the money and ordered Butler to kill the surviving robbers

The aftermath[edit]

British Rail issued a statement saying the train would be delayed, whilst questions were asked in the House of Parliament.