Frickasette
- Not to be confused with Fricassee.
A Frickasette or Fricaset (pronounced frɪkəset) is a southern gourmet dish primarily of squirrel, ash, sweat, beer, and frustration. It has a sour tinge of sexy musk that tends to stick in the air for extended periods of time. Frickasettes have become a popular dish of Navy Moms, the poor, the trailer dwelling, and the cigarette addicted folk of America. I know what you're thinking, what the heck is a "frickasette?" I used to think it was some form of swear word you might hear on The Jersey Shore, "Hey, get your fricasette over here" But it's not. It's a food that has been carefully crafted through years of poor driving, cigarette smoking, binge drinking, and persistant complaining. Though accidental in their creation (please refer to story below), Frickasettes have become very popular. They can be made from scratch at home, or purchased at your local Walmart, Bell-mart, or other low-class grocery chain.
Cooking instructions[edit]
While frying is the most common method of cooking, there is no one set way to properly cook a batch of Frickasettes. In many cases, driveways, a course rock, Satan's 6-pack, or a broken down East Point roof can be a sufficient cooking surface. They are best enjoyed with a Vanilla Snatch-Shake that you shame one of your most loyal customers into bringing you. To get started, use the following ingredients:
- 1 Tail of Squirrel (double the below recipe for each additional tail)
- 1 Cup of stale cigarette ash
- 2 Quarts of heavily used cooking oil
- 2 Pounds of shame
- 1 Ounce of frustration
- 3 Tablespoons of self doubt
- 1 Pinch of snatch
- 1 Dash of salt (add a second dash for a more intense & longer lasting scent of musk)
Additionally, a more modern adaptation of the Frickasette includes their use as a substitution for other typically inedible meats. One of the most common substitutions is its use as an imitation boiled Pork Steak. Once removed from the fryer, Frickasettes can be boiled down in a pot of boiling water and cocunut musk until they achieve the desired rubbery texture. It is not uncommon to see a malnurished individual loose a tooth to a rubbery Pork Steak Frickasette.
Dangers of over-indulgence[edit]
It is important to remember that a food this poor in nutrition must be enjoyed responsibly. Due to their high stress and ash content, Frickasettes have been directly linked to ulcers, high blood pressure, heart disease, lung cancer, blood clots, a raspy manish voice, and uneven tire wear. This has not affected their popularity with the poor and under-privileged as they quite often suffer from these conditions on a regular basis. If enjoyed responsibly, the life expectancy of a Frickasette indulger can likely exceed the ripe old age of 38.
Origins[edit]
The story of the Frickasette's origin takes place in the small town of Cookeville Tennessee, in the Great Smokey Mountains. The actual events are not documented officially, but date back through stories and fables told by all the Bells starting with grandpa Joe Bell in 1842. Grandpa Joe was out back in his tobacco field one sweet summer day with Ma Bell harvesting all their tobacco for the year. The children were on the porch eager to roll all the cigarettes for the year. It was a good day, every one got up early off the porch and Ma Bell had just finished changing the oil in the tranny on the John Deere before they had a lunch of fried balogne.
Later, after spending the afternoon rolling cigarettes, Ma went to start dinner. She had her usual spread on the counter of cooking utensils, and cigarette butts. Well the fresh squirrel they ran over dinner had just been gutted and was ready to cook. Ma accidentally dropped the tail into the ash filled batter and cooked it! When Pa Jo started chomping on it with his mouth half filled with teeth...he fell in love with it. Thus the birth of the fricasette. It has been passed down through generations of Bells and to this day, all the homes are filled with ash...and the trannys all have fresh oil.
The turning of a century[edit]
Most of the family stayed in Cookeville and worked on their southern accent while enjoying platters of fricasettes. At one point in the early 1900s before the start of WW1 Ma bell was trying to corner the market on fricasettes. She called them Fridas Fricasettes and was attempting to patent fricasettes and get them into all the Waffle Houses in the south. However Pa was a bit of a drinker and killed too many squirrels in the area....they never recovered their fresh stock. Nothing they tried, dogs, chipmunks or fox, had the same taste as a fresh kill under the tire.
To this day if you exit #37 off I-75 in Tennessee you can still see the sign that was under construction and has the chipping paint from Frida's Fricasettes.
Today, if you hit a squirrel you can remove its tail and take it to your local Frickasette processing facility. You will be compensated with 85% of 1% of the total finished product Frickasette selling price as determined by those above. If at any time a customer is dissatisfied with your tail, you will be deducted your Frickasette commission without notice. Additionally, a Frickasette loyalty program has been established in which frequent Frickasette customers are rewarded with a year end rebate which is deducted from your Frickasette commission.