Forum:On the use of the phrase "bat-fuck insane"

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Dear sirs - I would like to object to the use of the phrase "Bat-Fuck Insane" found on many of your web-pages. Myself and other members of the "National Bat-Loving Association" feel that this phrase is at best inappropriate, and at most a grave insult to all of us. Just because we choose to share our lives (and yes, sometimes our beds) with these winged mammals, does not give yourselves the right to question our mental state, nor indeed to put the phrase in question on a frequently-used template next to a picture of the Pope with laser-beams coming out of his eyes. And by the way, even the twenty percent of our members who do suffer from mental illness do not wish to be labelled as "insane".

In short, please remove all instances of this phrase from your website.

Yours,

Sir Frederick Souque-Peaupett (and Betty the bat)

Dear Mr. Soque-Peaupett,

Thank you very much for you recent inquiry about Uncyclopedia, America's No. 1 source for grue jokes. We value all feedback from our customers about our product, and appreciate you bringing this to our attention.

As a satirical website, our mission is to poke fun at our foibles, note our failings in an amusing way and create as many links to Nobody cares as we can. Hence, the phrase "Bat fuck insane" is only applied where absolutely necessary, as in the Incoherent article or in any and all descriptions of blogger Michelle Malkin. We certainly did not mean to offend our many readers who cope with mental illness through bat fucking.

A policy change will be put in place starting on Monday. The phrase "bat fuck insane" will be retired and replaced with "guano licking crazy." We hope this addresses your concerns.

Thanks again for your inquiry, and if you have any additional concerns, please create a forum topic titled "FUCK UNCYCLOPEDIA YOUR DCIKS"

Sincerely,

The Management

--Procopius 14:15, 7 January 2007 (UTC)

Dear sirs - just to clear things up a bit, I meant no offense - I thought I detected a slightly brusque tone in your reply, and I just thought I would let you know that myself and Betty do very much enjoy your website over our morning cup of cocoa - we especially like your unique take on current affairs entitled "UnNews", which often sends Betty into squeaks of laughter.

I have to confess I am a little confused about your last comment. I thought I explained - I have no wish to make love to your website (I must confess I am a little new to the internet and my mind boggles at how this might be achieved), but merely to continue to enjoy its high quality in a platonic way.

Sir Frederick (and, of course, Betty)

P.S. I'm afraid I also have to object to your proposed alternative phrase, as someone who owns an assortment of sea-birds, and appreciates the nutritional value of their excrement.

Dear Mr. Soque-Peaupett,

Your letter of January 7 has been received. In regardless to your earlier question, many critics of our product find satisfaction by urging others to engage in sexual and/or reproductive activities with Uncyclopedia. We have since directed complainers to Uncyclopedia's Copulative Research Center for better understanding, although this is by no means the only way to address complaints.

In regards to your concern over the phrase "Bat fuck insane," again please remember that we mean no offense to chirosexuals. Uncyclopedia welcomes people of all genders, races, creeds and sexual perversions. In fact, you may be surprised to learn that administrators, like your beloved Betty, are basically blind and navigate through the website through a high-frequency sonar. Uncyclopedia founder Chronarion once bound administrator Rcmurphy's ears with a brace, resulting in the first Forest Fire Week.

As mentioned earlier, the term "Bat fuck insane" is used sparingly, and only when necessary. We regret that our earlier phrase did not meet your requirements. May we suggest "sloth peeing mad?"

Thank you again for your continuing interest, and please don't sue us.

Hugs and kisses,

--Procopius 15:38, 7 January 2007 (UTC)

Dear sirs - this really is most embarrassing. I'm sure it's all just a terribly unfortunate coincidence, but you seem to be alarmingly good at picking pastimes of mine as suggested substitutes. Unless of course... I say - your name, sir, is rather similar to "Porcupine" - you wouldn't happen to be friends with Roger, would you? He does have such a big mouth - but then that's why I love him, of course!

I do appreciate how thoroughly difficult I am being, sirs - but do keep trying, and I'm sure together we can come up with an acceptable compromise! How about "Queue-jumping eccentric"?

Sir Frederick (Betty's gone hunting for insects, but the rest of the menagerie says hello)

P.S. I believe you meant to say "sexual persuasions" - what a very unfortunate slip-up!

P.P.S. I was interested to learn about the sonar though - Betty relies on a screen reader.

Dear Mr. Soque-Peaupett,

Uncyclopedia recently settled a $551 million lawsuit brought about by line-cutters playing violins with their teeth. Uncyclopedia believes these people are productive citizens of society, and regrets any suggestions of their involvement in the assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan.

Perhaps, instead of negotiating a compromise through the mail, you could provide us with a list of the beasts within your collection? As well as their ages, your current relationship and the particular songs that get them in the mood? We could then find an animal to project all our hatreds and insecurities upon. We would be most glad to discuss this issue further after we call the ASPCA and have them beat the living shit out of you receive another letter.

On a related note, we are pleased to hear that your companion can enjoy Uncyclopedia with visual aids. You may be interested to learn that Uncyclopedia has started Uncyclopedia EEEEEEEEEK!, an audio component for bats, dolphins, whales and other animals that hear higher frequencies than humans. The bat community was thrilled with AAAAAAAAA!, and we hope to expand this success into other species.Note: Use of Uncyclopedia EEEEEEEEEK! may cause dog's heads to explode.

Looking forward to hearing from you, perv!

All schooling must take place naked,

--Procopius 16:49, 7 January 2007 (UTC)

P.S. Roger -- do you mean Roger from State College? Kind of graying spines? Me and him used to cruise the bars at Penn State. Son of a bitch always made me his wingman.

Dear sir - I am becoming increasingly bewildered at your responses to my letters. I must admit I don't remember asking for your views on naked schooling, and your insinuations about Roger's past are also rather unkind, given that, as a porcupine, he was not clever enough to attend college. I am really sorry if I offended any people who may enjoy queue-jumping with my comments, and I will therefore leave future suggestions to others more in-the-know than I about such things.

However, I do not understand why you want my cat's comments on the matter. Purrve has so far not been involved in this conversation, and I doubt he would have a great deal to say on the matter as he spends most of his time asleep (or with a headache, apparently). So I'm afraid he won't be contributing. I am also beginning to wonder if you're being entirely truthful with me - I clicked on the given link to Uncyclopedia EEEEEEEEEK! with great excitement on Betty's behalf, only to be presented with an entirely unrelated article! And I'm sure you didn't mean for me to be able to read what you crossed out, but I'm afraid I could, and I was not very happy with it - there is no need for that kind of language.

Therefore, with the greatest possible regret, I would have to ask that I talk to your supervisor about the matter instead - I do this with a heavy heart, because I know that at first you did try your best to serve me well, but I am afraid your "hatred and insecurities" as alluded to in the last letter seem to have got the better of you as you struggled to cope with my issues, for which I am truly sorry.

Wishing you a speedy return to good spirits,

Sir Frederick

Dear Mr. Soque-Peaupett,

Thank you very much for your recent expressions of regret. Unfortunately, I am the only person available at Uncyclopedia today and will have to return your regret back to you (please pay $2.50 in postage). I would be happy to pass along your bestiality photos to the proper administrator.

Please note that Uncyclopedia EEEEEEEEK! is still in beta testing. Also, please note that our latest feature is designed for bats, who can hear sounds upwards of 200 kHz, more than ten times the limit of human capacity. If you can not use it, the software is clearly working.

Again, we mean no offense to you or the animals you imprison for your sexual proclivities, and accept our sincere apologies. Having exhausted the previous phrases, could you suggest another vessel to describe the deep disconnect from sensory perception and societal norms that Bat fuck insane once carried? We are willing to concede that the replacement phrase need not include animals, reproduction or mental illness.

Abraham Lincoln IS the Beast-Master,

--Procopius 22:20, 7 January 2007 (UTC)

---

One addition to Best Forum Topics Ever, to go, please. And no fries. -- 21:12, 7 January 2007 (UTC)

Indeed, I chortled with relish.--<<>> 23:15, 7 January 2007 (UTC)

Already, must we do this? --Crazyswordsman...With SAVINGS!!!! (T/C) 14:03, 8 January 2007 (UTC)

THIS TOPIC IS SO AWESOME THAT IT CAN GET AWAY WITH BEING IN BENSON'S FORUM DESPITE HAVING NO RELATION TO HIM. HOPEFULLY WE CAN MAKE IT BENSON-RELATED. --User:Nintendorulez 20:35, 8 January 2007 (UTC)

Dear sirs - I am now very much confused, and think we may somehow be at cross-purposes. Are you perhaps under the impression that I am trying to create an article for your website? I'm sure every piece of writing is found funny by someone, but I fail to see how my own perfectly heartfelt plea could be thought of as amusing to any significant number of people. Mr Procopius continues to get more and more odd, and frankly I must confess I'm rather unsettled and might even go so far as to say angry with his behaviour. Meanwhile, I'm a little insulted by the fact that you have drawn a line under my dialogue as if to suggest that the conversation is closed, when in fact I am becoming less and less satisfied by the day.

But perhaps I am being too hasty with my assumptions and you are just drawing the line to show Mr Procopius where to stop. Mr Sir Brad - are you Mr Procopius's supervisor? If so, might I request you grant the poor man some leave before he inadvertantly insults any more valued readers? Have you some sort of company psychiatrist he might visit? I hardly think calling an American President "The Beast-Master" is a sign of rational behaviour, even on a delightfully anarchic website such as this.

On another note, I am very glad that some of you consider my forum topic so highly - I had no idea the National Bat-Loving Association had so many potential members! Perhaps if we rally round we can all succeed in righting this increasingly confusing wrong!

Looking forward to a reply from someone a little saner,

Sir Frederick (Betty adamantly refuses to say hello at the moment - I think her feelings are hurt)

Dear Sir Frederick Souque-Peaupett:

If you would please be so kind as to excuse my interruption of this conversation, as this is an open-letter discussion, and you requested that another representative please speak with you. I am glad you have elected to open this discussion, since I believe there are many misunderstandings that should be cleared up.

Firstly, Uncyclopedia, as you are already aware, is a parody of Wikipedia. As such, Wikipedia likes to fool the many people under its immensely powerful influence into believing that such ideals as "non-partisanship" and "neutral point of view" are normal and healthy for any large repository of freely accessible information. However, we at Uncyclopedia like to preserve humanity's long and respected tradition of bigotry and group-oriented mass prejudice, so that we may, in good faith, laugh at and mock perverted weirdos like yourself. Understand that this does not necessarily mean we dislike you personally; I am sure many of us here would become quite fond of you should we meet in person. We simply like to compare bizarre and strange articles to your chosen lifestyle. If you feel offended by it, then the Uncyclopedia Corporation formally extends you its humblest apologies, and suggests that you get therapy and should grow a pair, you oversensitive wuss.

Secondly, the Uncyclopedia Animal Rights Activist Hippies Comittee is currently tracking your IP address so they can break into your house in the middle of the night and release the animals you have in captivity for the National Bat-Loving Association's personal reasons. Please continue sending correspondences, your opinion is important to us, even if you are a Bat fuck insane little pervert. Please do not think of this blatant invasion of your privacy as an invasion of your privacy, but rather as Customer Service.

P.S. Can you try to be at home during the evenings for the next few weeks? The Animal Rights Activist Hippies would probably like to question you on the whereabouts of other bats your Association has in captivity.

P.P.S. This is the only correspondence you will recieve from me, Mr. Procopius will be returning shortly.

--The Acceptable  Cainad  (Fnord) 00:15, 9 January 2007 (UTC)

Dear sirs - apologies for my long absence! Earlier this week a friend of mine from Africa flew over with a white rhino, and the frisky old thing kicked my computer right off the desk! Thank goodness for public libraries with internet access though, even if they do refuse to stock my latest book ("The Anima Sutra" - contact yours truly for information!)

Anyway, it's probably a good job that I had that leave of absence actually, to save me from embarrassing myself any further! You see, I was all set to send a quite miffed letter back to Cainad (I even went so far as to say he was not Acceptable as his signature claims!) But then, on Wednesday, I happened to be watching a documentary about that great actor Henry Mousing (there was nothing interesting on the Nature channel at the time and Betty was out doing her own kind of mousing), and I heard something that shifted my whole sense of perspective on the matter. You see, I had never heard of "method acting" before, but now that I know about it, I finally understand everything that has happened in this correspondence and feel like such an idiot! I realise now sirs that you are practising "method comedy", and deliberately being crazy people in order that you might write articles of a truly crazy nature! In which case, I humbly apologise for attempting to interrupt your flow by reasoning with you - and if I have spoilt any articles you have been writing with my blundering, I am doubly sorry!

I must thank Cainad particularly for his veiled clue: "...perverted weirdos like yourself. Understand that this does not necessarily mean we dislike you personally...", in which I assume he (the master of his art) allows the method mask to slip just for an instant to reassure humble little me that I really am wanted. I am very grateful indeed sir.

That said, I am perhaps willing to overlook the phrase "Bat-Fuck Insane" as an example, if you like, of this kind of insanity itself.

What's more - this conversation has given me just a little bit of inspiration that I might even go so far as to try writing an article myself!! I was thinking perhaps of using some of the material in your replies to write something about the National Bat-Lovers Association, which amusingly attempts to suggest that making love to bats and other animals is actually perverted and not an act of love between man and mammal at all! What do you think?

Awaiting your reply (perhaps one from a non-method comedian?),

Sir Frederick (and Betty, who still doesn't understand method comedy, but is taking my word for it)

P.S. I also understand the fries and relish jokes now! This forum is called Benson's House of Pancakes, isn't it! In that case I'll just have a pancake, please - haha! And could the person who posted all in caps please tell me what are the "Benson rules" mentioned in his post, so that I don't accidentally break them?

Yes, method comedy... That's why I'm insane. Sure, I'll go with that. BENSON is the resident God of this forum and is better than you. --Uncyclon - Do we still link to BENSON? 23:26, 12 January 2007 (UTC)

THE FIRST RULE OF BENSON IS THAT YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT BENSON. --User:Nintendorulez 00:20, 14 January 2007 (UTC)