Fern Britton
“Goodness Fern, it's like jelly on a plate!”
“I love to give...”
“Thank God for wide-screen!”
Start out with a jumble of shrivelled internal organs, wrap them in a gastric band then wall in at all sides with slabs of Great British blubber; the result is a Fern Britton. Those royal subjects who are menopausal or twit-minded will switch on the telly-box everyday to watch her slowly roll on screen; if fully zoomed-out you might glimpse a little grey stick man in the very corner, this is called a Phillip Schofield.
Early Childhood[edit]
Fern was stick thin at birth and mistaken for a thermometer by the doctor who stuffed her straight down her own mother's throat. She was eventually retrieved by a gentle tug on the umbilical cord, but then had her legs severed from her body by her father who complained "well where does the baby begin and the chord end?". Her legs were sewn back on, but now wish they hadn't been due to the burden they bear in later life.
She was lost once again down the side of her mattress in the maternity ward and discovered months later in the Twig and Barbie Doll Head Collection of Britain's favourite psychopath. Watching from the pencil draw while he raped and tortured his victims Fern decided she wanted to be a famous television personality just like him (Michael Barrymore).
A Day at the Beach[edit]
Fern was seventeen, and still so thin she could water-ski on a lolly stick and dive head first through a keyhole. One day at the beach a blue whale had selfishly washed itself up on the shore, taking up valuable sunbathing room. Throughout the morning a giant bikini was sewn together by some holidaymakers using two parachutes, that they then draped over the whale to much applause. Sickened, Fern glanced over at her normally reserved father and was shocked to see him springing up repeatedly from his sun-lounger, his face contorted with extreme sexual arousal. There lay the Freudian trigger - clearly to her father a real woman very closely resembles a beached whale; therefore to grow up Fern needed to grow outwards, and fast!
Fern's father however had been permanently blinded earlier that day having punctured both of his retinas on her jutting cheekbones (un-cushioned by fat) while attempting to perform CPR. He could never have seen the sexy whale and been overcome with paroxysms of lust, but had really spent the afternoon lying down in spasmodic agony; completely blind and quietly battling seventeen or eighteen seizures. Nevertheless Fern's subconscious had been set to "bloat" and she immediately began to suck up everything in sight; just days later she was a bulging quivering mass, now Fern could achieve a partial eclipse of the sun just by opening her mouth wide and hanging out of the bedroom window. And she often did, feeding like a basking shark upon sparrows and blackbirds that would fly straight down her throat thinking night had come, and in their innocence make a nest in the first of her five stomachs.
This Morning...[edit]
...Fern woke up, put on her knickers, gained twelve stone then shat it all out again.
Diet[edit]
In 2003 a national survey on what Fern Britton ate was conducted. It was found that in an average week she consumed:
- 245 Cornish Pasties
- 29 Whole Chickens.
- 64 Easter Eggs (This amount doubles 2 months prior to and following actual easter)
- 129 portions of fruit (at least she got her five - a - day)
- Roughly 5 cows.
- Roughly 18 Ducks.
- The weight of China in cakes, buns, deserts and cookies.
- 6 Television remotes (often used as a last resort when all other food was consumed)
All fried up using 3 buckets of finest Pork Lard and washed down with an oil barrel full of english gravy, the strongest smelling and most horrific liquid know to man.
Ryvita[edit]
Fern Britton one day decided that she didn't want to be fat anymore. When Paul double decker bussed her, she was so upset that she gave up eating forever. However as she found it impossible to survive without food, she allowed herself one magical snack. Ryvita! She claimed that Ryvita was a magical biscuit straight from the anus of Cilla Black and everyone was happy! Ryvita put her on their television adverts and everyone believed that Ryvita could make them thin, but little did they know that Fern had a little secret of her own.
Although the relationship between Ryvita and Fern fell apart, Fern still insists that she loves the wholesome low calorie snack and that it doesn't ruin any of her appetites: "Eduardo listen to me. Please. I assure you that with a generous helping of Lurpack it goes down a treat. Try it. Go on. Don't be shy. It's tastier than what you usually get. Go on...." she reportedly said to a male escort.
==Controversy In 2008 the Daily Mirror revealed all! Big fatty Fern didn't lose all that weight just by eating Ryvita! She in fact had Gastric Band surgery! It is no coincidence that on the day the news was revealed, 89 fat women all across 'Britton' commited suicide. Here are just a collection of quotes from their suicide notes:
“Oh Fern! It wasn't Ryvita! It wasn't ryvita at all! I knew it! How can cardboard make you thin! Why did you lie Fern, why!”
“My goal is to have a Firm Britain.”
“Here is the list of worst people in the universe, with the most worstest at the end: Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini, George Bush, Paris Hilton, Fern Britton. You ruined my life Fern, and now i'll ruin yours ... in hell!”
“I trusted you Fern! I trusted you and you lied to me! This is worse than the time I caught my husband in bed with that Thai transsexual.”
“Fern, I completely understand.”
“RYVITA CURED MY CANCER, BUT IT COULDN'T CURE YOUR FATNESS! YOUR JUST THAT FAT YOU GASTRIC BAND WEARING LYING WHORTE BITCH”
“Britton Might Love Ryvita, But Ryvita does not love Britton!”
“I want to go down in history as the woman that put Fern Britton into a cat-suit”
Of all the many fat women who didn't kill themselves over Fern's betrayal, the others have gone on to fight and campaign for her justified death. I think it's fair to say that if God truly exists, he will strike her down soon for her betrayal. The Ryvita woman lied. She let down the nation. She should be eaten alive by Ryvita.
Fern Britton is also a thief. In 1999 she stole Tony, my husband.
Inventions due to her size![edit]
In 2003 wide-wide-screen TV's were created by Fern's husband, after she stood infront of the wide-screen TV. As Fern was a wide-screen wife her husband couldn't see the football around her epicness! It must also be noted that in order to create her gastric band Medical Science was forced to develop a number of new metals and contstruction techniques which have now been used to build a new series of passenger airships. (coincidentally the operating theatre used is now a construction bay)
The Legend of the Yellow Orbs[edit]
The Legend of the Yellow Orbs began back in the 2nd Century CE. Origen was washing his socks in a tub of warm water when a fiery ball fell out the sky and was rent in two. Inside the ball was a note. The note was the inscription "if a ball of the tennises was to be unjoined during a matchablepoint at the grand slam finals the world will be plunged into darkness for 3 lunar months. This would be nullifed if either 1. Fern Britton said sorry for losing weight or 2. unless Martina Hingis was playing then it would only be a month because she has cracking eyes and a lovely smile. SO SPEAKS THE VOICE!"
The legend was passed on by the apostolic fathers until it was lost in the 6th century. It resurfaced in 1991 in a Greek style taverna in St Louis underneath Gabriella Sabatini's handbag. Rumour has it that Gaby was 'off it' on Ouzo and Baileys and scribbled something on a cigarette paper to appease the wrath of the bar tender.
Fern denies this story, although hers and Martina's history has been linked in the past. Sources claim that she once had an argument with Hingis in Burger King over how much change she should get back from a whopper and 2 fries. Hingis denies the rift and explains that Fern was 'pre-menstrual that day'.
Fern Britton - Lesbian?[edit]
Fern denies the story that she was romantically lined to k.d. lang. However she did claim that k.d. 'tried it on' when they went to KFC for a family bucket and got the hump when she declined her advances. "She was all over me like a rash", smarted Fern as she swatted a fly with a copy of Diva magazine.
Bill Nazi, freelance journalist contributor for many of the right-wing papers currently in circulation around these golden shores attempted to push a story in 1997 involving Fern, Anne Diamond and Liz Hurley getting, as he put it, "down and dirty" at Shampers Wine Bar in Romford, a story which he claimed would "bring middle Britain crashing to it's knees". The story didn't ingite the celebrity tabloid newspapers as he hoped and he couldn't sell his exclusive, although it did make page 95 in Horse and Hound Magazine, beneath an article about man-traps.
The future's bright, the future's ..... 'Oprah'?[edit]
It's rumoured that Fern's signed a £34,000 deal with Ambre Solaire to promote their new 'Oprah' self-tan range.
A tangerine coloured spokesperson from Ambre Solaire confirmed that Fern was interested in promoting the range as she'd had enough of being 'pale and interesting'. The revolutionary new product tans skin within seconds, this is due to small amounts of thorium and uranium that make up the base lotion. 'It is essential that one uses the 'Oprah self-tan' flannelette with caution,' said Madame Ambre, 'when we experimented early-on last century with Marie Curie look what happened. It also comes with an asbestos applicator glove too so you'll get none of those Fanta-Hands nightmares'.
The advertising campaign is due to start in November 2009 and Fern is said to be recovering well with her Inositol hexaphosphate recovery treatment in Helsinki; her publicist confirms that the four-breast story was rumour started by accident in a bar one night when she'd had a 'few too many'.
The 'Schadenfreude' Controversy[edit]
Fern admitted in an interview with the Daily Mail in 2008 that she enjoyed other people's often tragic misfortune. She related a story about a boy in a wheelchair who was unfortunate enough to have his wheels stolen as he waited outside a Bolton sweet-shop whilst his grandmother went in to buy his favourite sweets. As she related the story she didn't stop laughing and the interviewer was shocked to see that she'd wet herself.
The backlash from the interview was immense. She was immediately dismissed from SCOPE'S Time to get equal advertising campaign and was asked to pay back £5000 in expenses from the Prince's Trust Treasury. She appeared on Question Time and was asked by a member of the audience if 'she fucking laughed at her own fat cunting arse in her bathroom mirror?'.
In Bolton masked protesters gathered in the streets and burned effigies of Fern made from packets of Ryvita.