Ferdinand the Bull

Ferdinand the Bull was born on September 6th, 1935. He is the only bull in Spanish history to appear on the government's Most Wanted list. He won the greatest honour a bull can receive in the armed forces, The Bovine Medallion of War.

Rise of a Warrior Prince

It was sunny morning, and young Ferdinand woke up in the patchy yet deciduous meadows of Pine Valley in upper Madrid. He looked at his hooves and said "I have a dream...that all cows be equal to humans. As long as I live, I will try mighty hard to advance the rights of the common bovine." With those words, he broke into tears and ran away from his loving farmer. Ferdinand ran and ran until he came upon a stream. He drank, for he was thirsty. When he looked up, he saw a gun pointed at his face.

Anti-Spanish rebels who did not speak fluent Cow or Spanish captured him. Ferdinand was taken to an internment camp, where the rebels injected him with socomotene -- which was really just cocaine. They then handed him an AK-47.

Ferdinand was now a bull-soldier, one of 300,000 in the world today. He was trained in combat stances such as the Crouching Butterfly and Jumping Badger. He became addicted to socomotene, and built his own clan called Silent Cow Assassins. This clan was open only to elite and well-groomed cattle.

The SCA would terrorize small cities in Spain. Ferdinand knew where all the good stuff was, and he got anything he wanted. Including the biggest heifers that side of the western hemisphere.

Declining Years

As time went by, Ferdinand grew old. Younger and more agile cows challenged him and his clan for leadership. Ferdinand remained undefeated, because he had socomotene running through his veins. At times, he was even unaware that he was fighting. Was he fighting for the freedom of all cows, he wondered, or was he just smashed on socomotene?

One night, after beating a rival cow named Mortifity, he went to a friend's ranch to rest.

In the middle of the night, he heard rustling. Ferdinand said, "MOO moo MOO MOOoo." Nobody answered, so he picked up his AK and said "Moomoo MOO." This time, soldiers rushed in and arrested him -- but not before Ferdinand killed seven of them with his AK and his Jackie Chan style evasion techniques, learned back in Vietnam.

They took him to Bovine Penitentiary located in what is now New York City. He was sentenced to death and was sent to Lyle (a farmer in Preston Idaho), where he was shot in front of a school bus full of kids and later was eaten by Napoleon Dynamite's Uncle Rico in 2004. (See the film Napoleon Dynamite)