Fatlas
“Fatlas is the reason we are dying of starvation.”
“Fatlas has a fat-ass.”
“Fatlas is a disgrace to the human race, which is why I love him so.”
“Fatlas makes me look like a toothpick.”
“Fatlas' ass gives more cushion for the pushin!”
“Fatlas? Don't you mean Atlas?”
“Comrade Fatlas is an admirable ally who brings out the communist in all of us.”
Fatlas was the fat father of Atlas. The only thing Fatlas ever wanted out of life was more food and his son not to be fat, but rather the strongest man alive. If you couldn't guess by now, he loves eating. Just look at that picture.
His favourite foods included Pineapple, Lard, Coolies, and "Hotcakes".
Fatlas also had a lesser known son, Matlas. He was known for being the biggest wimp in the universe, even more so than Ethan Frome. In the end, Fatlas was so disgusted with Matlas, that he ate him.
Birth[edit]
One day, Zeus was losing to Odysseus in a bowling tournament. Zeus decided to cheat by greasing the holes in Odysseus' ball with some lard. When Odysseus swung his ball back, it went flying so fast that it created the speed of light. It smashed into the snack stand, with such a speed that all the food was melded into a single being: Fatlas.
His first words were: I'm Hungry
Inventions[edit]
During Fatlas's reign, he had a number of items built to fulfill his everyday needs. A few include the Microwave, the icebox, and The Box which Cooks Bread by Slightly Burning it, dubbed "The Toaster". Fatlas was also well known to be the producer of Sailor Moon and Attack of the Aliens from planet L.A.R.D. which was later re-named Teletubbies due to religious and environmental contreversies.
Most importantly however was the invention of the Tickle Me Elmo toy which hit stores in the early 1920s. This toy sparked many significant events including The Holocaust, The Tickle Me Elmo Riots of '58, and the birth of Tom Cruise.
Transportation[edit]
Fatlas had three main forms of transportation. The first being coolies. He had an enormous sled built and had 103,000 coolies drag him around. His second form of transportation was rolling around. The third was Project F.A.T. M.A.X. 2000. Nobody knows what this actually was, being that Fatlas ate everyone involved in the project.
Discography[edit]
Sometime in the early 1930s, while living in the UK, Fatlas (Drums/lead vocals/alto frying pan) teamed up with President Taft (Piccolo/backup vocals/bass BBQ) and the infamous, O.B. City (G2XB PowerAxe(illegal instrument)/electric slide whistle/electric skillet) to form the hit fat-rock group, The Three Fat Amigos. From 1933 until their untimely breakup in March of 1944, the band recorded six different albums and reached the top of the charts over 5 times in Iceland. Primarily influenced by Sergei Rachmaninoff and McDonald's, this band is considered the foundation of modern music.
- The Fat Album (May 23, 1933) - Club Jazz/Fat. First album, and by many, considered to be their second worst. Combined the sound of cool jazz with food cooking.
- Obese Soul (June 14, 1935) - Rock/Electronica/Fat. Instant Success. Included favourites such as Already Fat, F.A.T. in the U.S.A., and Don't Stop Eating.
- Greetings from Fatbury Park (April 18, 1939) - Rock/Fast Fusion/Fat. (Number one album in Iceland, 1940-1958). Features
a ten minute bonus track of Fatlas playing the bass drum (aka stomach).
- Born Too Fat (October 17, 1940). Rock/Death Jazz/Fat. Reached top of the charts on October 7, 1940, ten days before it was released. Released in America as Born Way Too Fat.
- Sgt. Blubber's Lonely Fat Club Band (November 19, 1942). Rap/Polka/Fat. Dispite being a 3-disc special, only 13 copies were ever sold, mainly because it sucked so much. Millions of copies of this album were hidden deep within the Ozark Mountains to prevent an outbreak of The Black Plague. Years later these copies were then transported to the city of Chernobyl and thrown into the reactor in an attempt to destroy them, but instead resulted in an nuclear melt-down. The Sarcophagus was then built around the reactor, not to contain the radiation, but rather to prevent any human from accidently stumbling across a copy.
- It's Fun being Fat in China (January 12, 1944). Rock/Power Ballad/Rock/Skull/Fat. Despite the previous album, sold 12,000,000,000 copies within the first three days. Guest featured John Williams(beatbox/chimes) in two songs. Still number one album in Iceland. Released in Poland as To jest zabawa będący tłuszcz w Polsce.
Hours after the famous 1944 Fatstock Concert (March 13, 1944) Fatlas and President Taft got into an argument about who should get the last dumptruck load of pizza (11:32PM). Fatlas was then seen storming off into the night (11:38PM). Ear-Witnesses heard a someone shrieking and immediately called the cops (11:42PM). When police arrived on the scene (12:01AM), President Taft was smeared across a nearby cornfield, brutally killed. Fatlas was put on trial for the murder of President Taft, but was found innocent. Fatlas and O.B. City, now short one band member decided to host a tryout for their new band member. However, the morning of the auditions, O.B. City was found dead in his Twinkie Warehouse. The coroner reported the case as a heart failure. However, many eye-witnesses report to have seen O.B. City with bruise marks around his tree trunk-like neck. Many believed that Fatlas himself choked O.B. City to death. When put on trial, Fatlas was found innocent again, although some speculated that the jury may have been rigged. After the trial, Fatlas decided to permanantly retire, due to the fact that he had lost plenty of popularity amongst his fans. Recent evidence supports the theory that eleven of the twelve jury members were actually carboard cutouts.
Controversy[edit]
During his musical/eating career, Fatlas had stopped in a once food-abundant Ethiopia to find himself face to face with his arch nemesis Manuel Uribe of Mexico, the 5th fattest man on the Earth behind Fatlas and his 3 stomachs, and the two immediately went to war (extreme overconsumption of calories to push the skins elasticity to the extreme). Needless to say Fatlas took home the crown as champion by eating 98 Emu's, 543 male sheep, the skeleton of a T-Rex from the Museum of Natural History in NY, 3 Blue Whales, 13,504 Ethiopians, 95 lbs of Tarmac, 84 Cotton Fields, Manuel Uribe himself as well as the Lost City of Atlantis.
Spectators speculate that Fatlas may not have consumed the Lost City of Atlantis. Former lardass turned stick-figure and lardass once more, Rexhep Oteppi was quoted as saying "I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw Atlantis slip from Fatlas' fat grip in which he proceeded to step on the plummeting city, pushing it to the bottom of the ocean in a crater like depression". Martin Luther King Jr. was also quoted as saying "I have a dream..."
Fatlas has since left the country of Ethiopia famished as we now know it today by wheezing himself into the future and consuming any food they may have had for the next 249 years.
Death[edit]
At the end of Fatlas' life, he became so immense that he reached maximum obesity. He collapsed in on himself, then exploded. This event is commonly referred to as the big bang. All that is left of Fatlas is a huge black hole (his mouth) at the center of the universe gobbling whatever it can up.
The Fatlas System[edit]
Fatlas was so fat, that a new measuring system was made in his honour.
- 1 Fat Mile = 542.56 light years
- 1 Fatlas = 30 raised to the 10,200 power, tons
- 1 Nautical Fat Mile = 20 circumferences of the earth
- 1 Fat Year = 6 years, 2 months
- 1 Fattre = 10,000 acres
Maximum Obesity[edit]
The point at which all cells within an organism inwardly explode due to extreme consumption of assorted cakes, pies, meatballs, Swedish Fish, amphibious creatures, and lime gelatin. The only known organism to have suffered this fate is Fatlas, whose remaining black hole (his mouth) can be found at 160 degrees latitude, 89 degrees longitude, in the mesosphere of Saturn's third moon's eighth ring on all Sundays of Leap Year within the month of September. It is unknown what will occur when someone approaches the black hole, though many of the moon's residents have claimed to have heard a rumbling noise coming from the area around dinner time. Upon further inspection, it was deemed a "No-No Area" due to the fact that the sound was actually Fatlas' ghost watching a Steven Seagal movie.