Fart rape

This woman is clearly asking to be fart raped.

Fart rape is a concept devised at the University of Toronto, circa 2013, and used by rape culture theorists to obtain more grant money and further demonize the males of the species.

History

"Fart rape" is a phrase that came out of "rape culture" theory, with roots going back to a documentary entitled "Rape Culture" which was released in 1975. From that spawned the many kind of rape that exist in the minds of these theorists, such as "stare rape" (as distinct from "stair rape").

In 2013, a conference was held at the University of Toronto to explore whether male flatulence could be construed as misogynistic. From that, a teaching instructor at Ontario Institute for Studies in Education named Ashleigh Ingle made herself the talk of many blogs and chatrooms for her stance on fart rape.

How it happens

A poster from a public health campaign.

In essence: Man lets one rip. Woman feels threatened by this show of passive-aggressive violence and wants to let one rip too but now subconsciously fears for her safety and decides to not fart so loud as a sign of submissiveness.

Jung Poontang, a 22-year-old woman from Kentucky, said she was on a date and farted so quietly in her date's car that it lulled her to sleep and when she woke up, she found herself sore between her legs with her pants undone.

Objections

Emily Zuckster participating in an Olympic competition at Athens for levitation by rear-ended propulsion. She is clearly in some kind of pain. Obviously, she is suffering for the feminist cause.

This has been met with controversy. The idea that men fart louder than women is considered by theorists such as Dr. Maria Bazinga to be sexist, since "any woman can fart with equal ferocity to the men if they tried hard enough. If women really feel ashamed about farting loudly, they can always blame the dog."

In addition, Dr. Bazinga continues, "There is also a question I may ask of the woman who sees herself as the victim: 'Did you dress like you were asking for it?'"

Indeed, many feminists are reacting to this news by belching louder, as well as farting louder. The same women are also out to show that they can also drink any man under the table, and arm wrestle men into submission. Some women, such as Emily Zuckster, are leading the vanguard for equality by going on a diet exclusively made of boiled cabbage and baked beans. She is 45 and still single.

Tips and tricks

Since most women take the submissive route, then if you, the guy, really wanted to rape a woman by farting, the trick is to maintain your stare throughout the ordeal. You only establish yourself as the alpha male if you keep the stare. You may consider it your particular mating call. She will either be attracted by the scent or choose not to be attracted. Either way, you have farted without mutual consent, which constitutes fart rape.

Another method is to actually fart as silently as possible in a group of people. She knows you did it, but she can't prove it in court.

The mating ritual is off if the male accidentally poops his pants in the process.

You can also gather a lot of men into a room with a woman who is by herself, and initiate a gang fart rape. You can even take turns, but this will take more intestinal control.

Legal and moral consequences

In hot pursuit of the fart rapist.

There are now government measures under way to draw up laws against fart rape. Farts recorded above 55 decibels will be considered an act of aggression. Women taking control of their bodies will now be naming and shaming men who take part in fart rape, using social media. They can call the cops, and the cops will just sniff him out.

Just recently, according to fartslaw.com, a man named Gerald Harding, sitting alone at MacDonald's eating his meal in Dallas, Texas, let one rip, and in effect raped everyone in the restaurant. Mr. Harding is now on death row.

Persons guilty of lesser farting offenses have been put on probation with ankle bracelet that tracks the odour, amount and loudness of any farts the prisoner may make. Farts above a certain noise level will give the judge just cause to return the offender to prison.

More trivial consequences

Obtaining grant money for symposia and papers on fart rape deprives grant money from other feminists who would rather research the areas of actual rape, prostitution, female genital mutilation, honour killings, females being seen in some cultures as property to be bought and sold, and other major problems of inequality that are more well-known.

Professor Ingle herself missed having to attend conferences on female genital mutilation or sex trafficking of women because the grants for those dried up, and fart rape was all that was left. She made the best of it; you had to give her that. Slim pickin's.