Do you 'fink I'm funny?

Do you find me amusing?

Do you 'fink I'm funny? is the question of all questions, usually asked by a mafia boss after you've laughed too long at one of said boss's jokes, innuendos and/or metaphors. In this context, a rhetoric sentiment, only if you try to say such a phrase as "No, no I'm sorry I have offended". Or something to that affect. After field testing in Chicago, I have come across the only response which will result in a vicious beating, but you'll probably survive. This phrase is. "Yeh. Yeh I 'fink you're fuckin' funny, you're a fuckin' punk ass clown!".

DO YOU 'FINK I'M FUCKIN' FUNNY?!?

This question, also a singular rhetoric, will be used in conjunction with the previous question. This will, however, only follow on if: (A) No response was received, in this case the question will have been paraphrased slightly differently to, "'EY YOU, I'M FUCKIN' TALKING TO YOU. YOU 'FINK I'M FUCKIN' FUNNY?". (B) Your idiotic, nihilistic response to the first question was along the lines of, "er.. no sorry if I offended", "wha.. huh?" or "no I do not think you are funny". After this question is asked, it is advisable not to repeat your response which resulted in this question being asked, as obviously your response failed. My only suggestion to you would be to either give my advisable response to the first question and take the beating like a man (which is doubtful you are such a man as you're reading this article). Or say: "Tony" (or whatever the hell he's called), "Tony, Tony, I meant you no disrespect, I've always thought highly highly of you and respected of your family" (yes say it like its written, I'm aware of how appallingly bad the English is), "I love you like a brother Tony". Spoken in the correct accent (come on, you might have spent all your life watching Star Trek but surely you've seen The Godfather or Goodfellas) this should be highly effective.

Here's kind of what you're up against?

YOU FUCKIN' PUNK!

No response time is usually given, but for the quick and witty, and mainly spontaneous schizophrenic nutters out there who will just BLERGH! or wail in the face of the un-bemused mob boss. It maybe wise to lay off insults such as "FUCK YOU, AND YOUR FAMILY"!. But if you feel the need to break the "Amount of bullet holes in a body" record, I'd stay quiet until the opportune moment... Shortly after the next question.

I'LL SHOW YOU WHO'S FUCKIN' FUNNY!

Consider yourself, "iced".

Survival Response. (add as necessary)

Tip 1: Do not be intimidated by the fact twenty mobsters have you surrounded and or currently drawing numerous fire arms, look him square in the eye, and say "I know who killed your father". Chances are this actually might work, and you can name someone you really don't like, given that they're old enough.

Tip 2: Go "super-saiyan" and destroy them

Tip 3: Realise the world is just a giant computer program created by advanced AI beings that are brain washing battery-farmed humans, stop their bullets and beat the living crap out of them.

Tip 4: Go all Ned Kelly and let them fire away at your tin armour.

Tip 5: Start singing Nessun Dorma, whilst playing on a violin, causing a flashback of the mob boss' restaurant execution upon his father.

Tip 6: kill the psycho-dwarf before he notices you. Once he does you're screwed.

ICE 'IM BOYS!

I'd give you some hints here, but in about 2 seconds you're going to be pumped full of lead. You're not going to be feeling lucky, nor are you going to be lucky and escape.