Crab sorcerer

A Crab sorcerer.

The Crab sorcerer (not to be confused with a crap sorcerer) is an archetypal fantasy character, similar to the Wizard and Paladin. Crab sorcerers are featured in many landmark fantasy books and role-playing games, usually fulfilling the role of a cranky weirdo whom everyone believes is deranged.

A Crab sorcerer is distinguished by his pet crab, whom he tends to and relies on for his magical powers. The crab is carried around in a special basket and is typically used to frighten small children.

Crab magic

A sorcerer's crab.

When Crab sorcerers actually get around to doing any magic, it usually involves a long, complex ritual. A typical ritual would consist of meditating and chanting mantras about crabs ("Oh wah tay foo lye ahm"), burning incense, and blessing the special crab. Hot butter sauce and a slice of lemon are optional.

Thus enchanted, the crab scuttles away under a nearby piece of furniture and pinches the toes of people who walk by. People who have been pinched by "a fucking crab, for God's sake!" in this manner utter profanities that can only be described as magical.

Appearances

Literature

• The Wizard of OZ: In the original story, the Wicked Witch of the West was actually a Crab sorceress. She sent flying crabs to harass Dorothy, but most people agreed that flying monkeys were a real improvement in the movie.
• Harry Potter: Vincent Crabbe, a personal bodyguard in the employ of the title character's nemesis, Draco Malfoy, specializes in Crab sorcery. Surely there cannot be a better explanation for his perpetually dour mood. Fun fact: the first novel was to be titled Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Crab, but this made no sense at all in the UK version.
• The Lord of the Rings: One of the forgotten wizards that has absolutely no bearing on the plot, Radagast the Brown was a Crab sorcerer who frightened little Hobbits out of sheer malicious intent.

Role-playing games

• Dungeons & Dragons: Probably the least popular character class, Crab sorcerers in D&D don't have any useful abilities until they reach level thirteen, when they can enchant their special crab to fly out of its basket and eat people's faces. Other than that, they get a +1 seafood fork as a weapon.
• World of Warcraft: Widely considered an "experts-only" class, Crab sorcerers in World of Warcraft do nothing, while their crab sneaks up on other players and steals their money.