Conquer Online

Conquer Online is an MMORPG developed before computers roamed the Earth and then thrown onto an unsuspecting public without mercy in early 2002.

It was once thought that the CIA infiltrated the "game" in mid 2004 to see what all the fuss was about only to be discovered by TQ Digital (world domination) corporation due to the cunning name of their character: IRACIANGENT and was duly banned for "botting" (along with several thousand legit players that didn’t purchase from the website that happened to be online at the time).

Strategies

• Scamming: One of the most common strategies of the game is to "scam", "con" or "cyber your tits off with a db buyer" to actually get good equips.

According to the EULA you are not allowed to trade accounts or items for real money unless you have given the appropriate GM a BJ within a given period of time This is impossible as the GM is a very rare creature never seen with the naked eye that lives in the back rooms at TQ Digital counting collars (also known as dollars but since the latest take over the US government have given them their own currency as not to destabilize the rest of the worlds economy)

• The scamee (or moron): Is usually someone of a trusting nature that will let you have his account ID, password and social security number over the internet and then spam the market chats with "I got scam, no trust he, he a bitsh!" on a continuous basis until he leaves and is instantly laughed at for being a twat (not to be confused with "The War Against Terror"). The idea is to instantly change the account password, steal all the items and then delete it "for a laugh" whilst the scamee spams the market on his shop noob account.
• Cyber love (14 year old boys being had over by other 14 year old boys that pretend they are 14 year old girls): Unfortunately young guys are also gullible, stupid and will go for anything as long as they think some punani is at the end of it.

This is wear the con "man" comes in.....Usually with a character such as 2hot4u, igotbigb00bies or ibj43.

Not noticing the irony of the character name but instantly falling in love with the following:

ibl0wjoo speaks to irdbbuyer: Hi :)

irdbbuyer speaks to ibl0wjoo: sup?

ibl0wjoo speaks to irdbbuyer: ur equips rox!

irdbbuyer speaks to ibl0wjoo: ty =D

ibl0wjoo speaks to irdbbuyer: wanna get married?

irdbbuyer speaks to ibl0wjoo: :o y not!

After which the poor thing is subjected to promises of coming to their house and sexually accosting them and how happy "s"he is they met. After approximately 1 week (or whenever he has given "h"er all his passwords) he will log in and find all his characters completely naked and his "beloved" has disappeared from the face of the earth. Or that his characters have fallen into TQ's magic black hole of deletion and no manner of arguing and pleading with the Netdragon gods will bring them back. Sad.

• Botting: Due to the lax attitude of the authors you will find this option most acceptable. In fact if you don’t use botting software there is no way to compete with the people using dragons balls to make their levels up as they are to damn lazy to do it themselves

The chances of being caught botting are very slim. There has never been a sighting of the lesser spotted GM on any server although the yellow throat PM warbler has been seen from time to time collecting innocent peoples items and giving them to dragon ball buyers to ensure the buyers stay at the top of the food chain therefore enhancing their lives x 0.00321% and enabling them to "get the chicks" on a Friday night

The most amazing thing about botting software is that is in fact written by the game coders as test software (obviously never used, a bit like a French rifle)

• Little brother/ sister method:

An ingenious player that didn’t have a brother or sister teaches his cat to play. At this point you are witnessing the cat demanding control

This is where you look like you’re actually having fun leveling your character to con your little sibling into wanting a go for him/ herself. Being a loving sibling yourself you encourage this and allow them to spend 8 hours constantly hitting monsters until they cry and/ or you level up Whence they actually figure out your intentions you then resort to beating them senseless with a large stick if they don’t

• Account purchasing:

Totally ignoring the EULA here and going straight for the pay pal method is the only instant approach to obtaining the character of your desires.

See also: scamming

• Marketeering: An approach that doesn’t actually exist but is deemed to be used by those players that always seem to be doing well but don’t catch their own dragons....ummm myth

Addiction

CO gamer after prolonged exposure

After a time you will be forced to realize you are addicted and there is no stick on patch to make it all go away. In a fit of intelligence you make your way to the forums and give a long speech on how you enjoyed playing and make a huge list of all the people you liked in game (forgetting the most obvious ones is usually the key)

Two weeks later you find yourself compelled to log back in and tell everyone that "that [Insertgamenamehere] was a load of shit" and you thought you would drop in and see how everyone is doing........

Two days later you are now logged in 24/7 with a colostomy bag tied under your chair and your hands have gone back in time to the cave men from gripping your mouse

A group of ex-players have formed CO anon-e-mouse and it deals with your problem. Developing a life outside the internet is required and not for the squeamish. YOU CAN DO IT!

It has been suggested that Viagra has worked for some male players. Taking 4 to 5 tablets when the urge to play grabs you stops them sitting at their chairs (Chinese players excluded)in fear of breaking it off and also acts as a handy falling out of bed precaution.

Cures

Various cures to this addiction are available and some are listed below:

1. Breaking all your fingers with a large mallet (only advisable to sado masochists)
2. Getting a real girl/ boy/ animal friend and spending time with them instead
3. Lobotomy
4. Going to work everyday instead of playing sick just to play co
5. Getting a real hobby that consists of beer, sex and rock n roll
6. Death
7. Finding a genre of porn that you can wank off to whenever you get the urge to play

The only sure cure is the one that the coders are putting out now. The game has been massacred to a level where players are getting sick of chasing their own dragons to be pissed on by the evil corporation attempting to remove their hard earned cash from their pockets.

Updates

Recently we discovered that TQ have just made another 10 games with the basic same gaming style and still claim they “cant afford” to make a server that doesn’t lag until your character cannot move.

In other news we found out the character Lady M. from Venus scammed another 16 people today, 6 ware bulkers and have donated conquer over 1mill this character is still playing without being banned, and seems to be keeping the items meanwhile the other 10 people who ware scammed will never see there items again, and continue the play the game naked while crying them self’s to sleep at night, and furiously spamming the boards and chats.

TQ announced today that when they reach 1 billion there going to shut the game down people say they should stop buying dbs but still TQ are already 1 mill from there goal people are sueing but since they cannot sue foreign countries like China and the land of the Gee-Ems there is fuck all hope for them.