Conclave
Conclave is a meeting held by cardinals to decided who will succeed to the Papacy when the old guy dies as it pleases God.
Usually, an undead cardinal vampire is elected, but notable exceptions have occurred (George Bush was once elected, but he declined saying "I don't give a damn about Catholics.").
Conclaves are always carried out under great secrecy. This has led to speculation that they incorporate such uncardinal-like acts as group hugs, orgies and sitting on a marble toilet seat to check if they have genuine testicles.
All cardinals refuse to reveal what goes on within a conclave with the excuse that they will be excommunicated for doing so. In reality, they are probably afraid to divulge the truth: that conclaves are really just big meetings of the secreet League of Carnal Cardinals.
At the end of a conclave, the one elected Pope lights his fart to produce white smoke, which is let out of the chimney above the Sistine Chapel. Because not every new Pope is capable of producing white smoke from his arse, sometimes another cardinal may stand in (e.g. Cardinal Pullmyfinger did it in 1923) In the case where the necessary colour is not achieved, this can cause consternation for the eager news crews outside in Vatican square. As a result, Pope John Paul II suggested that St Peter's bells be rung also. This takes much of the pressure off the new Pope to produce perfect pontifical farts.
It is sometimes suggested that the new Pope drinks a suspension of burned Papal ballots in Pepsi(which we all know is the drink of the devil) to produce the fart gases which burn to make white smoke. With the advent of the ringing of bells, this practice is likely to fade away.