Cheasel

Making traditional French cheasel

“I love French Cuisine, it's like wiping your arse with silk.”

~ Noel Coward on Cheasel

The Cheasel is what you get when you drop a small land mammal (or weasel) into a large vat of cheese. The cheese isn't in and of itself deadly, but the weasel finds it nearly impossible to escape his cheesy fate as the cheesy death hinders its progress. If the weasel somehow manages to eat his way out of his cheesy tomb, he is often still too fat to make it all the way out of the cheese-stirring drum (as his little claws and tiny legs scrape away at the polished insides of the metal behemoth). That being said, female weasels seem to have no problem escaping this particular method of food preparation.

Ingredients

• one starving, crazed weasel
• a giant drum for stirring cheese
• 1 ton of your favorite liquid cheese (for our demonstration, we'll use warm cream cheese)

Preparation

These kindergarten students demonstrate how the making of Cheasels is easy and fun.

First, you must prepare the weasel. The weasel must be strong enough to survive a thorough struggle with the cheese (to ensure being coated completely), but not strong enough to escape its cheesy grave and take some kind of ill-gotten revenge on you, the cook. If the weasel goes limp when you pick it up, yet is still strong enough to stick by holding on with its claws when you throw it against the wall, the weasel is ready. Make sure you are careful to avoid the prying eyes of the ASPCA while you starve your weasel, as it will be very hard to explain what you are doing to them.

Next, prepare the vat of cheese. We recommend using a cement mixer, as this will sufficiently mix the quantity of cheese desired. It is important to remember that the cheese must be in a liquid form (so sufficiently warm), but not hot enough to kill the weasel on impact. You must give ample time to the weasel to struggle and coat himself completely. We recommend you leave the cheese out on a hot summer day in a place devoid of animal life (such as the Mojave Desert). This also has the added advantage of being a place the ASPCA is unlikely to happen upon you by mistake.

When you drop the weasel into the drum, make sure you have an apron on, as it's likely to get quite messy. Oh, should I have mentioned that before? Sorry. Anyway, drop the weasel into the vat and wait until death takes it (you can eat the weasel alive if you so desire, but this is not recommended). Take the weasel out of the vat with your weasel-retrieval device and place on a stick to serve as a delicacy that will make your dinner guests shriek with delight. No, it's delight, trust me.