Car Talk

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n p r NPRNational Public RadioThe Writer's AlmanacGarrison KeillorA Prairie Home CompanionCar Talk

Car Talk is a tool of liberal propaganda machine National Public Radio, used as a legitimate front business to cover its real purpose: to raise money through illegal means for the Mob.

It appears to be an innocent radio show about cars and car repair, hosted by two blind, greasy Italian mobsters named Tom "Tommy Gun" and Ray "Rumble Seat" Magnolia (aka "Crash and Smash," the Super Mario Brothers). They hide their murderous pasts and vicious personalities behind a pleasant (if hairy and unwashed) facade, making innocent jokes about obese mothers-in-law, and snorting like pigs while warning listeners to not "drive like my brother!" Their ringleader is known only as "Ma" Magliozzi.

The Show[edit]

Although their show is known for car and mother-in-law advice, the fact is that neither of these guys would know a car if it ran over them. "Rumble Seat" has a general degree in pseudoscience, while "Tommy Gun" is a business major. Both are also History, English, and Psychology majors of "Haahvaad" University, all of which point to their lazy tendencies towards being perpetual "students" and therefore unemployed, non-contributing members of society.


Their listener total is not known, but the brothers themselves frequently mention the number "12." It is thought that the number was once up in the 30's, but then a nursing home flooded during Hurricane Katrina. Call-in listeners are often men whose wives have left them, or girls arguing about cars with their boyfriends. Indeed, the show is almost more about family matters than cars. Car Talk's producer, Doug "The Fugitive" Bermanelli, is considering changing the format of the show, and making it more Jerry Springer-like. NPR is still in negotiations over this.

The Scam[edit]

The way the Mob money scam works is, every time Crash and Smash get a caller complaining of some automotive malady, they try to guess what the problem is, using Ouiji boards, magic 8-balls, and coin flipping. They also give advice, taken from defective Chinese fortune cookies. Bookies off the air use the Internet to sell bets on whether they'll be correct or not. The money just pours in. Of course, it's rigged to make it seem like Crash and Smash are right most of the time, thus their bookies win the majority of bets, and the cash. Only a small percentage of callers are heard calling back to let the brothers know if they were right; the rest are wearing concrete shoes at the bottom of Lake Eerie and their cars have been recycled into soda cans and fake Rolex watches to be sold on Boston streetcorners.

When all else fails, Car Talk will use its popularity with aging hippies to raise money during "Pledge Drive" week(s) on NPR; they then take this money for themselves.

Outside Car Talk[edit]

Most recently, the Car Talk guys have been seen in the movie Cars, in which they played two greasy snake-oil hucksters. This being a little too close to their actual job descriptions, they have threatened Disney if anything too accurate is further portrayed in the inevitable direct-to-video sequels.


  • Airline Seat Tester: Wilma Butfit
  • Auto-Body Expert: James Bondo
  • Automotive Finishes Consultant: Rusty Steele
  • Automotive Medical Researcher: Dr. Denton Fender
  • Breathalyzer Administrator: Eureka Garlic
  • British Cutlery Specialist: Sir Irving Spoon
  • Funding: Amanda Livering-Kashe