Jason Kidd
“We'll be fine without him.”
“Two threesomes in one day; now that's a real triple double.”
“If that's the case, then I had more triple doubles with your mom than on the court”
Jason William "Captain" Kidd (born March 23, 1654) is a former professional basketball player and ex-pirate captain who currently coaches the Milwaukee Bucks of the National Basketball Association. In his unusually long life, he became accomplished in both careers: an all time leader in many basketball categories (triple doubles, steals, and games without a championship) and in pirate categories (ship takeovers, steals, and virgins desecrated).
Captain Kidd[edit]
Because of the left-wing media, few people know that Jason Kidd is in fact the notorious Captain Kidd that scourged the seven seas in the late 17th century. Captain Kidd was in fact a nautical genius, as he navigated his ship through tight naval defense, leading his crew of scaly wags on a fast break offense that would leave merchant ships robbed of all their booty before they knew what hit’em. He was similarly skilled as a wing-man as his crew was always in the right position to nail the open slut.
What made him such a great Captain was not his individual skills, but the fact that he made his crew better. This earned him the Most Valuable Pirate award in 1692, but unfortunately, his MVP trophy was robbed by Captain Timothy Dunkin during battle. This lead him to go on a futile expedition to find it, where he instead found 50 STDs.
Because of one of the STDs, Kidd fell ill and he was finally captured.The following trial was one of the most covered that century. The sensationalist media circulated wild fabrications of Captain Kidd, accusing him of torture and treating women respectfully (a high crime in the 17th century). The jury pronounced him guilty for piracy and convicted him to 293 years in prison. This, they thought, was essentially a life sentence. They failed to know that Kidd, on his expedition to find his MVP award, actually found the famous fountain of youth, making him immortal. Knowing that he would survive the sentence, Kidd prepared mentally for almost three centuries of boredom and anal rape.
Prison Life and Discovery of Basketball[edit]
With eyes on the back of his ass, Kidd was able to avoid being raped better than anyone in the prison. In fact he set the single season record for fewest rapes with three in 1784. In an interview with Ahmad Rashad, he claimed that these instances were "voluntary", and therefore he was never raped (not verifiable).
Avoiding rape only took so much of his time, so he decided to pick up the newly created game of basketball, invented by the only black man in the penitentiary. Kidd’s previous favorite sport was battery-ball which is played by assaulting your wife until she is dead or has divorced you. He was mediocre at the game but this new basketball gave him the opportunity to dominate a sport. For 200 years Kidd played pick up basketball games, becoming an expert in passing, rebounding, defending, and everything else except the incredibly difficult "jump shot".
After incredibly exhausting eight-overtime game, Kidd went back to his cell and took a nap. He forgot to set his alarm, however, leading him to oversleep for 100 years. He was woken up when his sentence was over and upon leaving prison, he decided to use his basketball skills to achieve fame in the NBA.
NBA Career[edit]
Though a great basketball player for the past two centuries, Kidd became famous for it when he entered the NBA. In the NBA, he established himself as one of the games greatest point guards, earning him the nickname “The White John Stockton”. So great he was, he was able to dominate games without getting a single shot. It should be noted, however, that this was because he couldn’t score a single shot. All his points came from free throws. His .000 FG% is still better than Shaq’s free throw % which was somehow negative.
Dallas Mavericks[edit]
Kidd’s first team was with the Dallas Mavericks. Along with Kidd, the team was led by Jim "Stonewall" Jackson, and Jamal Ashburns, creating a big three that made them good enough to distract Dallas sports fans when the Cowboys were shitty
Despite the great potential, the team was broken up after some an event off the court destroyed the team’s chemistry. Kidd and Jackson were getting some booty at a swinger's party when Jackson gave a rave review to Kidd about the ebony goddess Shaneeqwa. Kidd got her in bed, but he soon found out she was a tranny. Jackson laughed his ass off, but Kidd was so pissed off he demanded a trade.
Phoenix Suns[edit]
Kidd made a name for himself as a Sun, as he led the league in assists and hairstyle changes for two seasons. The fan base, however, grew weary that the team was repeatedly beaten in the first round. So the team managers decided to trade their best player, Kidd, for a sack of manure, in order to not make the first round all together.
It wasn’t until three years later, however, that the Suns realized the sack of manure was actually Stephon Marbury. After this realization, he was immediately traded to the Knicks.
New Jersey Nets[edit]
In New Jersey, Kidd joined fellow NBA superstar Keith Van Horn and ex-convict Kenyon Martin and in the first season propelled them to a franchise best 52 wins (a 51 game improvement from the previous high). They even reached the NBA Finals, but once there, Kidd and company were swept by the Los Angeles Rapers, led by Shaquille O’Neal and Jordan wannabe Kobe Bryant.
The series, however, would have been a lot closer if Kidd didn’t get wasted every night before the finals games. This was because he was so happy to get to the Finals he just wanted to enjoy himself and take it all in. It wasn’t until the series was over that he realized that winning the Eastern Conference was no accomplishment, since at the time, the East consisted of high school teams and the New Orleans Hornets.
Kidd vowed to never make the same mistake and the following year, Kidd’s Nets made the NBA Finals again. This time it was only to lose to Tim "Boring" Duncan’s Spurs in six games. Even though he was more focused than ever, the Spurs played in such a boring manner, Kidd could not stay awake for all four quarters. This led to fourth quarter chokes, such as in game 6 when the Spurs went on a 19-0 run as an unconscious Kidd kept scoring in the wrong basket. As a Net, Kidd never repeated the same success despite the Nets trading for Julius Erving clone, Vince Carter. Kidd, being the epitome of class, subtlety hinted that he wanted a trade by skipping games and throwing violent temper tantrums. Kidd was finally traded to Dallas, where he fit in perfectly by being surrounded by other chronic underachievers.
Dallas Again[edit]
Back in Dallas, both Kidd and current team captain Dirk Nowitzki were "fuckin' pissed" that they had been cock-blocked from winning the NBA finals. However, because of Kidd’s micro-penis surgery, Kidd was no longer as good as before, and in the first three playoffs together, they were booted out ringless. After they were eliminated by Tim Duncan in the 2010 playoffs, Charles Barkley made a statement on TNT to make them feel better: "Listen, I never won a championship and I’m just fine. I mean, I gained some weight and have a few gambling debts, but all in all my legacy is still pretty tight. Right Kenny?!" (Following which was a tremendous awkward silence).
Seeing the horror that occurs when one doesn’t win a championship, Kidd and Nowitzki worked three times harder to win the championship and the following season, they finally reached the Finals once again. What put them over the edge was that Nowitzki had finally mastered the difficult one legged fade away and Kidd, after centuries of practice, finally mastered the three pointer. With these new skills, Dallas was able dispose of the Miami Globetrotters, to the great joy of basketball fans in Dallas and Cleveland.
Finals MVP honors went to Brian Cardinal, but Kidd didn’t give a shit. He won his championship and now he never has to worry about Barkley comparisons again.
New York Knicks[edit]
A year after winning the championship, Kidd decided to continue playing so he can pay alimony. He signed with the Knicks and vastly improved the team by introducing a novel concept: passing the ball. This came as a shock to the mutant boriqua Carmelo Anthony, who for his entire NBA career thought he was playing one-on-one. The Knicks went on to exceed expectations that year and made it to the second round of the playoffs, which is the deepest a team of AARP members ever got. Kidd, however, set an NBA record by scoring zero points in his final ten games, and the 18,000 dirty looks in Madison Square Garden convinced Kidd that he should take his pruny ass off the court and retire.
Coaching Career[edit]
Kidd's coaching career is non-existent, but this didn't stop the geniuses in Brooklyn from hiring Kidd as their new head coach. It is speculated that the Nets hired Kidd because he would be good fit for Deron "Diva" Williams. The Nets have long history of bending over backwards for their point guards, and they decided to honor this tradition by surrounding Diva Williams with his friends. Despite the lack of experience, it is widely agreed upon that Kidd was an improvement over PJ Car-less-imo, who is more productive spouting non-sense on BSPN.
After watching House of Cards, Kidd was inspired to initiate a coup and take over basketball operations for the Nets. Despite the three murders he secretly committed, the coup failed and is now coaching the Bucks, a team consisted of mostly five year olds. Kidd used his coaching skills to lead his Bucks to a fifty point playoff loss to the Chicago Bulls.
Philanthropy[edit]
As a first-time multi-millionaire, Kidd wondered what to do with all his extra monies. If he were Latrell Sprewell or any other NBA player, he would have already lost it all in strippers' butt cracks. Wanting to use his extra money for a higher cause, he decided to become a philanthropist. Here’s how it went down:
“Hey, I got an idea. My last name is Kidd, right? So I should do something that helps children! Hahahaha, get it?”
“Yeah, that’s great Jason. I have to go file a domestic abuse claim now, so I’ll be back at five.”
“Yeah, okay.”
The Kidd Foundation[edit]
The Kidd Foundation helps inner city kids by helping fund things they need, such as education and annual shopping sprees at Toys 'R' Us. Every year, Kidd picks up children in his big white van and takes them to the toy store where they can get as many toys as they want. After this, they all go to his Never-Never-Land Ranch and "play".
The Kidd Adult Foundation[edit]
This foundation was founded when an angry parent pointed out that it was "totally unfair" that kids got toys and the parents didn't. So, since 2002, Kidd has funded another annual shopping spree, this time for adult toys at the Sex Toy shop on Route 22. Throughout the year, Kidd is occasionally seen there, "quality testing" the products.
Personal Life[edit]
Kidd spent most of his life living promiscuously as he never took a day off from booty call duty. However, after the Jim Jackson incident, he decided to “settle” for a smoking hot model Joumana Kidd. It was a happy marriage until Joumana gave birth to T.J. Kidd whose watermelon-sized head severely damaged her vagina. This turned her into a real bitch.
Thus, when Kidd innocently made an attempt to return to battery-ball, Joumana wouldn’t have any of it and filed a domestic abuse claim. It became a big media circus, but Kidd was able to sweep it under the rug by putting dolla' bills up her ass like the stripper ho she is. This only kept her quite for so long until she erupted once again. At this point, Kidd gave up and decided to only fuck men.
Kidd has three children that he admits to having, but estimates range from 535 to 1,345.