Bananism
“May the Banana be with you”
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| Followers | More than 5.5 | |
| Countries | Banana Republic, Somalia | |
| Established | 180AD | |
| Hotel? | Trivago. | |
Bananism is a monotheistic religion which consists in the worship of a celestial entity that resembles a banana of colossal proportions, that goes by the name of Gaboille the Banana, or just simply, the Banana. It is said that it is the creator of the universe.
Bananism converts can become official bananologians who have the role of keeping the dogma of bananism, and the oracles of the Banana.
Bananism is the main religion of the Banana Republic.
History[edit]
Legend has it, that in 75BC, Julius Caesar was captured by Pastafarian pirates while nautically travelling to Greece. The prophet Mosey demanded a ridiculously low ransom, which insulted Caesar. The Pastafarians were then crucified, and Caesar had a Capri Sun.
This is in no way related to bananism.
In 180AD the Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius stated in his book Meditations that he witnessed a godlike entity shaped like a banana, while meditating.
“And there it was, the great Banana. The creator of worlds. It said to me, 'I am Gaboille'.”
Bananism was then established as the main religion in the Roman Empire, until its collapse in 1234AD. Bananism was in decline, until 1666, when it was re-established as the official religion in the Banana Republic.
Denominations[edit]
Roman Banaism[edit]
This is by far the most widespread form of bananism. It was founded by Marcus Aurelius himself. It consists of the worship of the Banana by consuming bananas.
Orthodox Bananism[edit]
This is the second-largest form of bananism, and it consists in following the original traditions and rituals of the ancient church of banana.
Purple Bananism[edit]
This is the belief that the almighty Banana is in fact Purple in the visible light spectrum, in contrast to the commonly perceived yellow.
Bananible[edit]
The bananaible is the alternative name given to the "Anarchist Cookbook" by bananists. It's like the bible, with bananas to it to make it funnier. At least I hope that's what's considered funny these days. The book contains loads of cool stuff, like bananadine production. For some reason, the FDA banned it to hide the sacred bananadine production ritual from the masses, and released a new, censored book, containing the false recipe. That was until 2010 when Snoop Dogg, a famous botanist, discovered the true recipe, and leaked it to the public. He then had to hide in the Ecuadorian embassy.
Practices[edit]
Use of Bananadine[edit]
Bananists have adopted an archaic shamanic tradition of the Linux people (not to be confused with the operating system) where a chemical known as bananadine is consumed orally, rectally, or (in extreme cases) telepathically. This enables people to enter a trance that can last up to 2 days, in which they might experience visions of the mighty Banana.
Dressing up as Gaboille in Walmart[edit]
This tradition consists of the bananist wearing a banana suit while being inside a Walmart (in the absence of a Walmart nearby, bananists may resort to another equivalent supermarket). Common activities include, but are not limited to:
- eating bananas
- screaming at elderly people
- purposefully slipping on banana peels
- selling bananadine to 9 year olds
- walking
Criticism[edit]
Some haters claim that Ray Comfort's proposal that bananas were created by a god is fake, because the banana has been engineered by humans using natural selection for many centuries. This is complete nonsense, since there are no official fossil records of the so-called "wild banana", and therefore their criticism is absolutely wrong.