Atonality
“When I first heard the music of Liszt and Debussy, I thought it was a joke. Then I realized that this was dead serious. We were heading for an all out invasion...and war.”
“Schoenberg was not the first alien to live among us, but he was the first Jewish one.”
Atonality describes music that doesn't match common practice conventions, isn't in a key, or simply isn't liked by the speaker. It started World War I, World War II, and probably would have started World War III if Philip Glass and Einstein hadn't collaborated on an opera that was even less comprehensible.
All of these wars were, in fact, an attempt to hide the true nature of atonality: to communicate messages from an alien race.
First contact[edit]
Franz Liszt was a Hungarian pianist and amateur astronomer who spent his days trying to decode the messages he picked up on the piano. His recitals were popular, but dangerous: ladies were said to faint and men often died painful deaths when they even began to understand a fraction of what he was communicating to them.
When he finally cracked the code, he transcribed his findings in the "Bagatelle sans tonalite." This was no mere trifle. Those who heard it died or their eardrums exploded in an attempt to protect their owners.
Critic Eduard Hanslick was the first to realize the truth. He knew that these sounds could not have been produced by any mere human, but must have originated in some other source. Unfortunately, by the time he realized the truth, an alien was already among us and being prepared for his true mission: to grant humanity knowledge which it could not possibly bear, much less understand, until it had evolved as a species.
Arnold Schoenberg and the Second Viennese School[edit]
Arnold Schoenberg was an alien who came to Earth as a young child. He was not the first alien to visit the planet, nor the first alien composer (that was Carlo Gesualdo, who murdered his wife when she discovered his secret), but he was the first one who was Jewish.
Already with his early works, Schoenberg showed a propensity toward the unusual and foreign. His Verklarte Nacht Op. 4 (subtitled "We built the pyramids") was criticized by one critic as "like a six-legged calf." He failed to understand that this was exactly the point: on Schoenberg's planet, all bovines have six legs.
In 1908, Schoenberg said "screw this" and decided to stop encoding his messages in the conventional forms of music. With the last movement of his String Quartet No. 2 in F-sharp minor, Op. 10, he wrote without a key signature and transmitted his messages directly. As the soprano sings "I feel air of other planets," the composer's intent is clearly signaled.
Critics and many others thought Schoenberg was insane, but his closest friends and pupils knew the truth and sought to help him disseminate news of the forthcoming alien invasion. Alban Berg, a half-alien, and Anton Webern, a member of the Illuminati, were merely the best-known among them.
War and Upheaval[edit]
When World War I broke out, Eduard Hanslick was devastated. It was just as he had predicted. Now, there would be no turning back. After a performance of Schoenberg's Pierrot lunaire, relating the history of the moon clowns, a xenophobe attempted to assassinate Schoenberg, but accidentally hit the Archduke of Austria instead. This started a war that engulfed all of Europe and several different alien factions, including the upstart community of extraterrestrials formed in Hollywood, USA.
For the remainder of the century, major events were either orchestrated as an attempt to destroy atonality and the alien messages it conveyed, the JFK assassination being the most prominent of these, or to protect the aliens among us, such as the Allied invasion of Normandy in WWII.
Stockhausen and 9/11[edit]
The attacks of September 11, 2001, which the US government publicly blamed on Islamic terrorists, were a cover for interstellar warfare. The United States had funded the new music courses at Darmstadt, a haven for aliens and alien groupies (Woodstock only ever had groupies rather than actual aliens), and ever since, the factions of Lucifer had been preparing for their attack on the people of Earth, fearing that the human race might evolve too far.
In his monumental LICHT cycle of operas, Karlheinz Stockhausen tried to warn humanity of the looming threat, but few people paid attention and nobody understood the works amid what seemed like obscure symbolism and metaphysical nonsense. Pierre Boulez, a fellow alien, felt misrepresented by these works and severed ties with his erstwhile friend.
Then the unthinkable happened on September 11 when two buildings were seemingly detonated by controlled demolition and the Pentagon was hit by a missile. This was, of course, an illusion, and two passenger jets had actually been manipulated to fly into the World Trade Center using a combination of telepathy, mind control, and (false) promises of free T-shirts.
Stockhausen attempted to explain what had taken place, but his words fell on deaf ears and the public ostracized him for his remarks.
The truth about atonality remains out there, but the public still refuses to accept the truth.