Assassin's Creed

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Altaïr's so cool, he can push himself off a roof.

Assassin's Creed is a species of magic mushrooms that can be found in most stores (even porn stores) due to its popularity. This popularity is achieved because it is published by Ubisoft. Ubisoft, as gamers know is famous for selling its customers magic mushrooms that always never work without error much like its rival Electronic Arts. The Assassins' Creed mushrooms' special effects include getting the user to believe that they are playing a video game where they control video game people who do things that video game people do such as swinging through the air on semen that comes through the wrists or having a gunfight with the entire Nazi army by one's self and winning. There are currently five flavours that are considered part of the chronological order of growth alongside a few deviants.

Each consecutive mushroom adds a number of improvements to the users hallucination such as including a storyline where the user controls video game people who do things that video game people do when they have a story to follow. The hallucinations are described by survivors as being a mixture of third person action-adventure platforming, stealthily killing people unstealthily, stealthily hiding with weapons all over body unstealthily, and another that makes them believe that they are named Desmond Miles and that they can, with the help of a machine called the Animus, read their ancestors' minds. The mushrooms have sold over a HUGE number of units and hence is considered a success in the world of video games magic mushrooms.

Assassin's Creed[edit]

Getting an attack of the munchies can be dealt with via trips to local fast food outlets.

“I only wanted the cool blade, but now I'm missing a finger!”

~ Altair on regretting his membership application

The parent plant of this species of mushrooms makes the user believe that they are controlling an assassin from the twelfth century who is tasked with killing nine people. As this article shall contain no spoilers, the general story won't be revealed, aside from the crucial fact that Altaïr's master, Al Mualim, was really sending Altaïr to kill all of the people who discovered the Apple of Eden, with the exception of Al Mualim himself. Altaïr llama bin Laden ibn La-Ahad (as users say, although drug addicts can't be trusted), is a guy who likes to run on rooftops. He dresses in a suit of all white with weapons on every inch of his body but shows us why he is a master assassin by demonstrating his skill to walk by guards without raising their suspicion by simply walking slowly as it is a known scientific fact that to outrun the police, you must walk slowly and not run even when there is the entire force behind you as you already jumped into a pile of hay from a rooftop and now they can't recognize you anymore (once again, drug addicts cannot be trusted). Altaïr likes to run on rooftops because that is what he likes.

Altaïr's master, Al Mualim sent the master assassin to kill these nine people whose names are unpronounceable so that he can control the world all by himself as he was actually a part of their super cool crew that was coolly called the Templars... coolly. When Altaïr killed his super cool buddies he found out his master is a dick comparable to a man's genitals and so he kills him, despite the fact that Al Mualim Al was like, a super saiyan. Again, this article contains no spoilers. Altaïr was then free to run on all the roofs he wanted.

Assassins Creed II[edit]

“In Assassin's Creed II, we are presented with an awesome new main character which is me, and then there were Those Who Came Before, and they died in the APOCALYPSSS!!!!!”

~ Ezio on the end of Assassin's Creed II

At this point the now famous mushroom was discovered to be an actual game for an actual console (but you can't trust drug addicts).

Desmond, who everybody had seemed to forget mostly because he was a big feline, showed loyal fans of the shrooms that he could indeed fight. But what everyone really wants to hear is about the guy who likes to run on roofs. This time users got to meet another roof runner, Ezio Auditore da Firenze, a young Italian who likes to run on roofs. He also like sex, with Leonardo da Vinci's female muses, and an early mission allow the user to press a button to insert Ezio's magic stick in his young female friend which in reality is making the user insert their own dick (or vagina) in their hands...several times. This growth of plant was mostly about Desmond but really, no one cares about a big fat feline. What everyone wants to do is run on roofs with a guy who likes to run on roofs. And so most people just ran on roofs for the twenty hour long or so story.

Assassins Creed Brotherhood[edit]

The game features a number of artworks by Venetian artist Leonardo da Vinci.

This is the third variation in Ubisoft's hit cultivation where the user is again given the freedom to run on roofs. Ezio has now created a cult of roof runners to run around with him and neck-tually assault random people on the ground by jumping on them (from various locations). The man in white who likes to have sex with girls embarks on a new journey that will take him to places never before seen so that he can run on some more roofs. This time, Ubisoft clearly couldn't be bothered to make a proper manual, due to financial problems caused by black ops in Soviet Russia. (Soviet Russia doesn't exist anymore, but they have an Animus, used to simulate killing communists for pleasure.)

Assassins Creed Revelations[edit]

Assassin's Creed Revelations is about now creepy old guy Ezio who likes to run on roofs because he thinks it's cool when old people do crazy things. Ezio is now practicing his hobby of running of roofs and ziplining in Constintanople. Due to fans of the mushrooms lashing out at the concept of running on roofs with creepy old dudes, the mushroom will first be fertilized and injected with goat hormones to make it a better experience for users, with new optional Desmond missions wherein you build and jump over CYBER-ROOFS in FIRST-PERSON!

Assassins Creed III[edit]

Assassin's Creed III is about a native american assassin named Connor who kills British people in the American revolution. It features a fully playable frontier and Connor is able to pick mushrooms from the frontier and eat them. It follows in a hallucination where he plays Assassins creed 1. You can also hunt down animals like bears and skin them to help aunt Jemima make her bear pancakes which you can throw at guards to distract them.

Assassins Creed IV[edit]

Assassin's Creed IV is about some guy who is a pirate and his name is Gerald. Gerald is sad that all his friends didn't turn up to his birthday party so he decides it would be a funny prank to join the Assassin's guild and kill them all by jumping off giant buildings and somehow not breaking any of his bones. Also a new addition to the game is the ability to fly a pirate ship around and do pirate things like be a pirate and have sex with wenches. Gerald's best pirate friend is Captain Jack Sparrow, who also likes to do pirate things such as plunder British trade ships and burn his friends' toast and not tell them, then make them eat it for a laugh.

Assassins Creed Logic[edit]

Assassin's Creed logic is tricky to understand. Whether Ezio randomly jumps off of a fucking building, or a guard randomly spots his ass, it can be annoying. What really astonishes the player is after Ezio runs in and murders a political figure, the guards are nice enough to let Ezio have his little chats before attacking. Ezio is not afraid of heights. He will jump off a 10 story building into a bail of hay. (Even at the age of 60)

"Excuse me, heavily armed man in a white cloak, have you seen a heavily armed man in a white cloak? He looked just like you except he wasn't sitting on a bench."

"I'll put up a wanted sign for this man, right on the wall next to a second storey balcony..."

"That man is running across wooden pieces sticking out of buildings...he must be drunk!"