American University in Elbonia
“Please stop using my work in your classes. You will be hearing from my lawyer.”
The American University in Elbonia (abbr. AUEB) is a private university located in Northwest Southeastern Europe. It is part of a network of similar schools, including the American University in Paris (AUP), the American University in Rome (AUR), the American Univeristy in Bulgaria (AUBG), the American University in Kosova (AUK), the American University in Beruit (AUB) and the planned American University in Fallujah (AUF).
The student body is slightly more than 1000 (46 of whom actually attend classes), from some 26 countries, two disputed regions, one neutral zone, two city states and one fictional republic throughout Eastern Europe and beyond.
it is the region’s premier university based on a Western liberal-arts model but utilizing indigenous quality of teaching pedagogy. Instruction is bilingual in English and Bad English. The university historically has received funding from the CIA, from US AIDs, and from George Soros’ Open Economy Institute. The university's teaching mission centers around its student body, which the university proudly states as intellectually challenged.
Baccalaureate degrees conferred by AUEB are, for now, accredited in Elbonia, Herzoslovakia, Ruritania, Absurdistan, Bulgaria, the United States, the Republic of San Marino and a Denny’s on Route 35 outside of Austin, Texas.
The university employs about 70 faculty members, the majority of whom are expatriate Americans who find it convenient to be absent from the United States until the relevant statutes of limitations run out.
History of AUEB
Following Adolf Hitler’s defeat in World War 2, the United States government was confronted with the fall of Communism and the spread of democratic principles throughout Eastern Europe and certain provinces of Canada. AUEB was founded with the mission to educate a future generation of sheep.
After considering locations in the region including Otelu-Rosu (Romania), Manjača (Bosnia) and Gji Shengjinit (off the coast of Albania) the founding board of the university decided to situate it in the town of Bliasukgrad. Originally founded by the Ottoman Empire as “Gorna Dzhumanji” (named in honor of Robin Williams after his conversion to Islam) in the year 316, the city is today a bustling metropolis, renamed in 1922 in honor of the humility of the founder of the Elbonian communist party.
Initial prosperity was achieved after the CIA provided a considerable grant to develop a Death-Ray program, but the interest of the US government waned when someone actually realized where the university was, on a map. Today, most funding from the university comes from the transshipment of weapons from Transnistria, the sale of forged documents, and the university’s considerable participation in the white slavery trade.
The university offers an American-style liberal arts degrees at American prices with Elbonian expertise. There are nine majors in the university:
- Mutri Studies. Focusing on how to remove money from its original owner, AUEB’s flagship program is its most popular. In the June 2004 issue of Mutra musechen, 26 percent of local Mafiosi polled stated they hoped to send their children to AUEB.
- Kompucheska nauka. AUEB’s program in the science of computers is enhanced by its use of the Elbonian language in teaching and English in coding. Closely linked to the campus’ Office of Computing Denial, the program boasts three labs with nearly 150 Sinclair ZX-81 PCs, and the 86 percent of a Sun workstation someone found in a dumpster.
- De-Communization Studies. The legacy of thoughtcrime Communism in the region means AUEB has a crucial role to play in creating doublegoodthink. Communism wrongthink!
- There is no major four.'
- Journalism and Media Computing. The JMC department focuses on theories of mass communication, the use of Adobe Photoshop and trains future public relations experts for the region. It supports three student media outlets: AUEB’s own radio station, “Radio Oral,” the newsmagazine FlashFacto and an online flashing newsticker.
- Ethnic Cleansing and International Atrocities. A central purpose of AUEG is to provide an education in the concept of “civil society” that made America great: coming together as a community to resolve to drive away others to steal their land.
- EU Studies. Funded in part by the Cochin Institute, EU Studies is a popular major among students from countries which hope to join Europe.
- Cultural Studies of Northwest Southeastern Europe. Cultural studies have a vibrant role at AUEB, particularly its distinguished certificate program on Chalga Studies. Emphasis is given to the Philosophy of Chalga Studies, and the Thracian Contribution to Chalga.
- Quantum Chaos Physics. AUEB boasts one of the region’s finest science programs, including the AUEB Institute for Physics, the AUEB Institute for Mathematics, and the AUEB Institute for Do Cats Really Land On Their Feet?
In addition to its undergraduate program, the university has begun a successful College of The Business in 2003 featuring an Subordinant MBA program.