A friendly message from the supporters of John McCain
It's late. Three in the morning and you have class at seven a.m. tomorrow. Your bed beckons you forward, and you think of its warm embrace as you slowly take off your clothes. Inches from your bed, you freeze. What is that coming from the t.v. down the hall? What could possibly be so incredible, that it stops you from slipping under the covers, and makes you labor drunkenly back into the living room? Why, it's 'A Friendly Message from the Supporters[1] of John McCain'.
The Earth Shattering Introduction[edit]
Cue up some mildly patriotic trumpet music. John McCain, his wife,[2] his six children (Douglas "The Rock" McCain, Andrew "The Hammer" McCain, Sydney "The Female Hammer" McCain, Meghan "Iron Lung" McCain, Jack "Bear Claw" McCain, and Rufus[3]), his adopted daughter Bridget "The African Bomber" McCain, and his dog, War Hero, walk down the driveway from their well-kept, but not-too-expensive looking southern Victorian farmhouse. One voice comes crystal clear through the set like an orphanage fire on a moonless night.
"I'm John McCain, and-" it says before abruptly cutting off, as the picture of the All-American family[4] fades into black.
The voice of an unknown male now comes through. It's like no voice you've ever heard before. It's deep, succulent, and oozing with confidence. However this voice, as you soon find out, is but the cherry on top of the icing on the cake in this shining achievement of modern cinema that you now bear witness to.
The Perfectly Timed Friendly Message[edit]
"John McCain. You all know him as the war hero, turned senator, turned presidential hopeful. He has been a shining light in American politics for over 30 years, and has been a no-nonsense, take-no-prisoners[5] maverick in a congress that keeps voting upon party lines. He has been a guideline for moral values all his life, and has been an advocate for fiscal responsibility for his entire stay in congress.
Unfortunately, the liberal media is trying to spew lies about John McCain to ruin his run for President of the United States. They want to say that John McCain is too old, that he is unreceptive to change, and that he is out of touch with today's youth. But none of that is important, because now they have gone too far. Of all the lies they want you to believe, most of all they want you to believe John McCain doesn't love bunnies.
FACT[6]
If you know nothing else about John McCain, know this: John McCain loves bunnies. Exhibit A shows that bunnies have been at the forefront of McCain's run through the political system for 30 years, and he doesn't plan on stopping that now. McCain's history of cuddly-rabbit love is well-known, and well-documented.
As a child John McCain had a small bunny farm, and he cared for, and helped inseminate, hundreds of bunnies before the age of six.
As he grew older, his love for hares of all kinds did not falter. In the naval academy he snuck three of his favorites into his living quarters, where he taught all three to operate both large and small firearms.[8] In 1965 McCain famously refused to accept a part in a prisoner exchange that would have allowed him to leave his torture cell in Vietnam. At the time it was reported this was because he didn't want to leave behind the others that were being tortured, but this was not quite true. McCain actually stayed behind because he had fallen in love with many of the native Vietnamese Jackalopes that lived in the lush jungles that surrounded his prison. When he became a senator McCain created the "People for the Increase of Rabbit Rights Foundation" and has been giving to them ever since. He cuddles with little baby bunnies while he sleeps, and feeds little orphaned pikas out of is own two hands. He runs an abbandoned bunny shelter at his own home, and has been known to stay up all night grooming, cuddling with, and talking to his pet pygmy rabbits because, as he says, "Those are the cuddly-wuddlyest."
Barack Obama on the other hand has no love in his heart for bunnies. Obama has been known to hunt rabbits and hares for the sheer thrill of the kill. It is said[9] that Obama's favorite food is baby pygmy rabbits’s brains, and has been involved in numerous, numerous hit and runs with entire bunny families. The liberal media wants you to believe that not only is Obama a tree hugger, and not-a-terrorist, but also that he actually enjoys the company of bunnies. Exhibit B shows how the media has been lying to you about Obama loving bunnies. If they've lied about that, they could lie about anything, including Barack Obama being a terrorist, among other things; But mainly the terrorist thing is the one they are lying to you about.[10]
The Beautiful Conclusion[edit]
We all know Barack Obama stands for change[11], but what kind of change does he stand for? If elected president, the only change Barack Obama would make is the systematic, sadistic murder of all bunnies in America. Does it remind you of anyone? Yes, it does. Hitler. It reminds you of Hitler. Barack Obama is the second coming of Hitler. It's your choice America, but do you really want to choose the second coming of Hitler for the next President of the United States? Or, do you want to choose the kind, gentle, bunny-loving soul that is John McCain? The choice is clear America. John McCain, and his innocent love of all rabbits, is the correct choice for President. Choose McCain in '08.[12]
The Spectacular Notes[edit]
- ↑ The Traditional Values Organization.
- ↑ Smokin' hot wife if I do say so myself
- ↑ Rufus wasn't given a nickname. Mostly because, as John puts it, "He's kind of a pussy."
- ↑ Well, Bridget is actually from Bangladesh, but we're getting off subject now.
- ↑ HAHALOL! PUN!
- ↑ Not all "facts" were checked. Some guesswork was involved, and most of the facts came from our gut.
- ↑ "Proof" may have been edited to support the "facts"
- ↑ When your dad is an admiral, its easy to sneak just about anything in.
- ↑ By no one
- ↑ Barack Obama is a terrorist Dammit! You'll believe us one day, right!?
- ↑ But Jesse Jackson doesn't
- ↑ Do it! Do It! DO IT!