Australia – United States Free Trade Agreement
The Australia – United States Free Trade Agreement (AUSFTA) is a preferential trade agreement between Australia and the United States modelled on the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA). The "free trade" agreement (FTA) was quite possibly the greatest swindle of the Australian Technocracy by America in a billion years. It was even better than what Bernie Madoff did, and rates a 9.9 in terms of screw-factor.
The Stuff Just Before[edit]
In the year of 2005 AD, Australian Prime Minister John Howard went to Washington to beg for some American bank notes. Apparently Indonesia had been on his arse again for more dosh cos they were housing boat people on boats that were whinging like a bitch to Australia, and Howard was so tired of housing so-called boat people on remote islands devoid of natural resources and anything vaguely fun...Yeah, i'm talkin' to you, Nairu...And Indonesia were like, "Nah-uh, we don't want no crappy Australian toilet paper, bring us cash from DA MAN".
Dubya was like, "Sure, Howardy, now kiss mah ass" and Howard was like, "Oh yeah with pleasure" and when they were done doing stuff that was totally like TMI, Dubya was like, "ey, what say you give over all of your rights to broadcast Australian content for the next trillion years?" and Howard replied, "Oh wow Bushy, I sure do love the 5,000th repeat of Two and a Half Men. Watching That wife basher's fat ugly head doesn't make me want to chuck and punch out my TV at the same time".
Dubya then said, "Let's throw in some stuff about corn and beef, and then we'll call Karl and he can let the impartial US Media know about it" and Howard reportedly replied, "I've only got an election in a few months, which is like pfft, people not gonna vote for the Fat guy, you don't have to do that Bushy" and Dubya was like "Nah, anything for mah Aussie" and they did some more TMI stuff.
The Great Swindle[edit]
Once Dubya and Howardy had watched The Lion King for the fourth time, Howard was sent home to con his cabinet into agreeing. Communications, Information Technology and The Arts Minister Helen Coonan was down at the beauty salon, getting her nails refilled (she had some sweet tips, they had gold stars on them and were clear, it was so hot) but left a note saying, "Err...Umm...Whatever you do is fine, boss. Fake the sigs, you know how...I'll be back next year after my...err...um...six months of sauna treatments and massages. I borrowed the work credit card to book into the five-star hotel, hope you don't mind. xxx Helen" (Howard later sent her a telegram saying not to come back and he'd have Peter sell off something crappy, like Telstra so people wouldn't worry money had gone missing).
Because Howard's Cabinet all wanted their cushy pension and the Shut up your local member couldn't give a stuff what you think if you don't live in a marginal seat Act 2004 had come into force, they unanimously voted for it. Bill Heffernan voted five times for it, but Bronwyn Bishop voted ten times for it and won the competition to cook Howard's dinner for him that night. As the Minister for Trade, Mark Vaile would be posted to America for the signing, and was thrilled to hear he'd get to meet a real American. The Cabinet made sure he was wearing his 'special bracelet' (which was GPS tracking device) because last time they let him out of his office, he was found in Uganda trying to convince Mugabe to sign a "free trade agreement", which was a recipe for thai sweet chili chicken hand written on the back of a McDonalds Monopoly placemat.
Once they were sure he was boarded up in the crate, they put him on the Qantas flight and took out life insurance, purchasable for a $5 fee from the Qantas booking desk...if someone is working that day.
Four months later, and after detours via Moscow, Cairo and Caracas, Dubya and his pal Karl cracked open the crate. After feeding him some hay, Vaile went down for the night. The very next day, they presented him with a contract to allow America to own all the media companies, and broadcast Two and a Half Men and Desperate Housewives for 24 hours a day.
What Happened Next[edit]
Because Howard had been busy talking at the media about refugees, boat people, and asylum seekers, people didn't notice that all the Australian Content had vanished off TV. Home and Away had been shipped off to be made in a cheaper Chinese factory, and Neighbours in a Korean factory. Eddie McGuire, though, was really happy, and set to make Channel Nine the most "American Friendly network so I can bone the entire staff".
The entire Australian Film Industry came out in protest once they found out. Several people packed the crowded area outside Parliament House in Canberra, making their voices heard.
Terms of the Agreement[edit]
- Australia must legally run reruns of Two and A Half Men at least once a day.
- America must own at least half of Australia's media, if it choses to.
- Australians must NOT be on Australian TV. They're just so boring...
- NO MORE reality shows. Or renovation shows starring Scott Cam. Or anything with Kyle Sandilands. Seriously, we've all had enough.
- News programs MAY have Australians on them, but all stories run must be borrowed from American news networks. Dubbing over the American voices is banned for the 4:30 and late news. Channel Nine must run E! stories after its late news, and pass them off as "news".
- 95% of the ads run on TV from multinationals must be shot wholly in America for Americans, and must have poor Australian dubbing on them.
- America may chose to buy Australian farm produce, IF it suits it, IF the Euro-brats aren't chucking a tanty about 'free trade' and blah blah, and IF we can't already subsidise our own farmers through the nose. And that's a big IF.