AP European History

A heaping load of Who the Fuck Cares.

Oh yeah! European history! Gladiators and those bitches from Sparta and shit like that. Oh? You mean that this class starts just after all that ends? You mean that AP European History is everything about Europe that you don't care about? Really? Is it too late to drop the class? I will fail the class if I do? And they'll kill my family? Damn.. Well.. Welcome to AP European history!

So now that I'm stuck here, what does this class include?

This is what a French "tactical victory" looks like. The Frog strategy consisted of being so fucking disgusting that the Germans gave up and let them keep their mud.

Stuff that isn't on the test. Plenty of that. Oh, also, the Thesis of How Goddamned Boring Martin Luther Was. Two months on Why Napoleon Was So Short. (Turns out he was of exactly average height, but the British thought he was small because they didn't know the difference between a French pouce and an inch. Haha, the British were stupid. Snore.) We're doing extensive coverage of France's præternatural surrendering abilities since the 1700s: Canada, Russia, Waterloo, Prussia, Germany, oh, look, Germany again (this time in 43 days), Indochina, Algeria, their dignity, the world's respect...man, sad.

Three weeks on the Danish and why they are so pointless. Angry Russians. More angry Russians. Communism. Bombs. Bombs. Bombs. Intermittent bloody warfare. And then two whole days on the really cool stuff, like the Battle of Stalingrad. I'd like to find the retard who designed this course, just so I could kick him in the nuts. How do you spend one hour on the Battle of Fucking Stalingrad?

Well that doesn't seem bad. Just how boring could it be?

It's more boring than Wikipedia while sober.

It's so boring, I'm fantasizing about our fifty-seven-year-old instructor's boobs. I'm imagining that they're so saggy, she just tucks them into her socks. Oh, God. And I just ate a huge week-old burrito.

Ok, that does it. I'm going to chew my own elbow off.

When do you start doing stuff that's actually on the test?

Your guess is as good as mine. I don't remember what was on the test because I didn't care anymore. Just start listening for topics that never go away like Martin Luther and those fucking Protestants. Also Russia. Spain goes away like a temporary erection and therefore does not matter at all. I think something important might have been mentioned in a movie we watched, but we watch pointless movies every other day, so I couldn't tell you. There was possibly something about a French midget who bought France, or some shit. Wait, that sounded redundant. Also some teachers don't think its fair to teach whats going to be on the test so instead they talk about pointless things while also reading facts off a note sheet that are factually incorrect.

What isn't boring in the class?

Like, yawn.

The time before you enter the class for the first time, when you think you will learn something cool. Other than that...

There's...

Well, there's...

Well, France has this revolution and a bunch of Frogs get their heads lopped off with a bladed machine called La Guillotine...

I suppose that's interesting. Unfortunately, that sentence contained everything that makes the whole event worth looking at.

How can I pass the test and thus get anything worthwhile out of this time-suck?

You can't. You won't. Existence is futile and pointless, and this class drives that fact home with 257 hours of exquisite torture designed by the same folks who did the floor plan for the sixth circle of Hell. You won't learn anything here, unless it doesn't pertain to the test. And as many people can guess, it's very hard to pass a test when you know absolutely nothing. You can haphazardly guess, and you might get a 2. On the essays, write about feminism, the Industrial Revolution, or Martin Luther and you will probably squeeze by with just enough points to get something that isn't actually worth anything. Luckily, McDonald's is always hiring, and they don't give a shit about your AP History scores.

God Damnit! I failed the test! Now what?

Point the blame elsewhere. That's what I do. I blame my teacher. But I really can though. She was out for like 2 months, didn't teach us anything, and spent more time shouting at the class then she did shouting about World War II, which, from what I understand, was very important. Our teacher thinks that the best way to review for the tests is to have the class make PowerPoint presentations, which is ironic, because they're "PowerPoint", but they don't have a point. As she doesn't give any input, we could be doing presentations on pancakes and fat kids and still be making her happy.

The next thing you need to do is move on. So you failed a test about a pointless continent. Who Cares? Certainly not anyone. Just get on with life, and spend the rest of your school career talking to people about what a horrifying experience it was. Even better, do what every other American does: blame Europe for wasting your time with their boring fucking history, and hate foreigners forever.