Wizwang of Ooze

A typical day in Ooze.

Dorothy's friends, which she lovingly called the Tin Can and Square Ass.

In the classic tale The Wizwang of Ooze, Dorothy's being all dramatic and being caught up inside a twister that sucked her house into a brown fog of dust and witches flying around on broomsticks. Upon landing on somebody with Red Shoes, the Munchkins all had blaring celebrations of this person being squished under Dorothy's house. However the retarded Munchkins went all out to throw a huge party and gave Dorothy all the credit...but in reality it was the Twister that really deserved the credit and while Dorothy tried to explain that it was the freaking wind that caused it all, it didn't stop Dorothy from taking all the credit and quietly accepting all the glory for this Wicked Witch of the East being in the wrong place at the wrong time. They state that Dorothy fell from a star...yeah, some barren, desolate brown dwarf of a star. The kind you avoid when fleeting through the galaxy because there is no reason to ever go there. Ever.

Then because the Munchkins are all talk and jittery little things, some being play soldiers goofily marching like something out of the famous ballet of The Nutcracker, they give Dorothy the pair of Red Shoes and just for good measure, some advice about never taking them off despite the fact that Dorothy must embark on a long walking journey, due to having no broomstick. The other Wicked Witch appears and the Munchkins predictably fall to the ground like heaps of shaken skeetish little funny dressed people with all the glamour of a Weeble that has been given beauty tips from Tammy Faye Baker.

Then some pompus pink dress in a bubble flies off to Mount Olympus.

Then Dorothy comes across three other creatures of myth. Scarecrow who didn't scare anyone even though he talked all this tough talk due to his back being kinked onto a pole. Nobody really wanted to know why he was like that when Dorothy found him. Dorothy listened to his complaints of having no brain and felt sorry for him although it would have been much easier to just set him on fire.

Then Tinman was duly lubricated and complained that he held an axe for ages and again, nobody wanted to know why this clumsily armoured guy had no brain either. He also lacked a heart but was keen on the romantic and kinky versions of what a heart could be like. Somewhere in this, some Ents were throwing apples at Dorothy. The Ents just somehow knew that Dorothy was trespassing through their forest and probably thought it was an Orc in a dress and Red Shoes.

Then some big furry menace with the nimble balance of a buffalo in a china shop, came barging onto the scene and tried to bite everyone's head off and then cried like a little baby. Then Tinman cried because his tin was hurt and Scarecrow cried and curled up in a corner of poppies like a little girl. Dorothy followed suit.

Following some disaster, it is noted that the witches had made the Munchkins even more afraid (if that is even possible) and so horrified that they shut down everything in Munchkinland and closed off The Pirates of the Caribbean attraction because of the nasty pirates being somewhat suspicious. Munchkins, by nature are wimps and wusses and well, get their make-up tips from Tammy Faye Baker.

With the Munchkins no longer being a factor when the four icons of lunacy finally reach a large green glowing city of tubes and domes, nevermind that anyone coming through a dark forest accosted by this thing sitting brightly in a bright field of flowers is going to need sunglasses, but they leap absent-mindedly into a cart driven by a horse of a different color.

Odd, curious and just plain stupid, they decide they are going through with their plans to annoy the Wizwang who sits amid flames issued forth from a pool of ooze and a disembodied head. Anyone else in their right mind would put this thing into orbit with any catapult the Oozians could have constructed, but Oozians are quite retarded and thusly have given this head reign of the city. Everyone seems to be in lots of make-up and utterly brain-dead. This is a sign early on when you notice a long, impractical yellow brick road and also a long red brick road which would have at least helped Dorothy camouflage the shoes a lot better when traveling.

So they go in to see the almighty and believe everything he says. Big mistake. They also find a way into some dark forest all because a black-smokey broom pilot of a wicked witch sends a message to surrender Dorothy. This is the broom the Wizwang wants of course, and the stupid gang who sang his praises never caught on that the guy just wanted that ugly broomstick for himself. (This is DRIPPING with metaphor)

They grab the broom because they were lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time and it's amazing that Dorothy, or the other dramatic dudes didn't break out in song and explained via lyrics of how life is a bowl of poppies. The wicked witch does a death scene and the flying monkeys seem to just have no purpose in life. After they make the Wizwang own a guilt trip, they get some stupid medals and awards and titles and all that crap and the good witch shows up and is still high on something. Dorothy goes back home and any intelligent being would know that Dorothy is back to being nowhere, the problems with her little menace to the community Toto is still very much a factor in reality and there's a court order that her menace dog is still condemned (besides being named after a Japanese toilet). And again, a nowhere, dead-end boring, dull life on a farm haunts the legend of one who would be Queen of Ooze, had the scarecrow been less of a putz.

Notes on The Wizwang of Ooze

So, the wicked witch bites the dust in the story, but while she was still running around, she seemed true to her desires to own a pair of shoes she always wanted.

"I can't wait forever to get those shoes!" She explains as she runs off like a mad Italian after an Italian pair of shoes.

The three residents of Ooze seem to have been so without a life that they invented things they needed; a brain, a heart, courage. They also agreed without any question to follow Dorothy just because Dorothy was there! This was just one of the things that happen that make no sense.

Those same three, when before the Wizwang, called him either Your Honor, Your Majesty, Your Excellency or Your Wizardry none of which actually impressing nor fitting to this blob of green smoke and bad eye-brows. One can only imagine if these guys did any time traveling rather than just trotting on down to the Nuclear Emerald City. I can see it now, the Scarecrow uttering Yes, milord! The Lion cooing That's just swell! and the Tin Man agreeing with everyone else, saying That's groovy, it's so happenin' bro!