Why?:Take a Pregame Dump?

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Dude, you ready for the game? It starts in two hours, and coach says that the other team is here already. I talked to Fred, he played these guys last year, he says their starters are huge! You scared? Yeah, so am I. I've heard rumors that these guys are the best team in the state, and maybe even the country! But whatever dude, I'm gonna go take a take a pregame dump. What?! You've never taken a pregame dump before? You should totally take one too. They help with A LOT of things. Trust me. A LOT!

It makes you lighter[edit]

This is where the magic happens.

First off, as with any dump, dropping that shit into the toilet cuts weight off of you like an anorexic cheerleader. Without that useless weight, you'll run faster than normal, and be more productive and beneficial for the team. Also, if you're playing in a game where you need to make weight, what better way than just having it fall right out? Did you know that the average human shit for men around 175 lbs is 3-5 lbs? Think of how much that is in terms of having to be under 180 lbs. That practically makes making weight child's play. And think of how much faster you'll be without that 5 extra pounds. Nobody will be able to catch you!

Stress relief[edit]

Everyone is always stressed out before games, no exceptions. It doesn't matter if the team is going in expecting an easy or hard game, or if the person is the best player in the world, everyone stresses. Pregame dumps always help to melt away some of that stress, as though the stress was pulled out of your body by your kidneys and thrown down your intestines and trampled by several small mountain goats. Don't ask me how though, I just try to accept it and move on.

Making things easier to start[edit]

This guy sure seems to know what I'm talking about. He's probably pre-gaming a big meeting or something.

When you think about it, you can take a pregame dump for just about anything. Seriously. Games, homework, tests, robbing banks, some people even take pregame dumps as part of their morning routine. Taking a dump in general just always seems to make things easier to do. Like, this one time, I was trying to write a report for Mr Winkler, and it was 3 in the morning and I was stressed beyond belief, cause it was due the next day. Anyways, I couldn't think of anything to write, so I stopped for a bit and took a dump. Once I was done, I felt 10 times better, and sense all my stress was gone, the report practically wrote itself. Hell, I've even heard of a guy taking a pregame dump before he tried to kill himself!

Not having to take a dump in the middle of the game[edit]

And of course, there's the obvious reason. Having to take a dump in the middle of a game can be brutal. Trust me. Having that feeling that your intestines are about to explode is never fun, we all know that. But it's worse in the middle of a game. MUCH WORSE. When you're out on that field and that feeling hits you, it will make you want to kill yourself. Even if you're not playing at the time, it still sucks. Having that feeling and trying to ignore it and just focus on the game never works. Whenever someone scores, you end up looking at the score board, which ends up with you looking at the clock to see how much longer you have to wait, which brings you right back to feeling like your intestines are about to explode. Even if it gets to the point where you want to leave and run to the bathroom, you feel like you can't just in case the guy you're subbing in for gets tired or injured. Even if you do get to the point where you can't hold it, coach probably wouldn't let you anyways. I heard from one of the seniors that a few years ago, someone asked coach to use the restrooms during PRACTICE, and coach made the kid run 10 laps. The kid pissed his pants during the 3rd lap, and coach made him stop so everyone could laugh at him.


Well dude, that's just about everything there is too it. God knows we're gonna need to play our best game tonight, and a pregame dump is probably the best way to help that now. Coach will kill us if we lose tonight, he's been trying to beat these guys for seventeen years. When the team lost last year, coach made them run laps all practice for the whole next week. Big Bob almost died during those laps, and he was HUGE. We won't survive that! Now lets go, man! We want to get in there before Jimbo stinks the whole place up. What the hell does that kid eat anyways?

See Also[edit]