White Hat/Black Hat

White Hat

Hey there! I'm what you'd call a 'hacker' and I like to keep 'hacktive'. But please don't confuse me with those who wear darker hats than I. I am indeed, a 'white hat' hacker, as opposed to 'black hat' hackers, who worship the Antichrist (Middle-aged bureaucrats in business suits who once did a bit of computing in BASIC, which as everyone knows is a stupid programming language) I don't know who came up with the distinction. But I do certain things which fall into the 'white hat' category.

I don't actually wear a white hat while I'm hacking if you are wondering. For one thing, I use my computer indoors, so I'm not going to get wet, unless the guy sat opposite me drinks so much coffee and gets so absorbed in his task that he just forgets to go to the urinal. He wouldn't do that — not so much because he has any objection to urinating on me, but in doing so he'd be urinating on my terminal, and as a 'white hat' man himself he is ethically against the abuse of computer systems.

'White hats' are those of us who try to defend from attacks on computers, strengthening their security and defence. Sometimes I might have to break or exploit my own programs to see its flaws, but I'm legally obliged to do that, just as I'm legally allowed to break the window of my flat to get in if I've left my keys at my friends after a night of Manga and Burritos. I suspect that we have some 'black hats' working at my firm, and I'm not talking about the goth-chicks we employ (down to equal opportunities laws; most of them got 3rds in Computer Science). I have a friend who is an absolute whiz with computers, but has no morals... here he is:

Black Hat

I do wear a black hat, a beanie hat, and I don't really care what my shit bosses say (I don't have a boss, so I guess I mean 'mom and dad'). Those white hatters have no balls; too bound up in their ethics, and not focused on making THEIR OWN SYSTEMS immune to viruses. The only I viruses I catch are those 24-hour bugs. I CRACK computer craniums together and the result is COMPUTER CONCUSSION. OH YEAH. Whitey, go home! (That's meant in the context of hat-wearing).

Do you want to learn about REAL HACKING. Well, I'm the right guy! But you have to let me access your system first - I need to see how vulnerable you are. DON'T WORRY - I won't touch your 3 Gig's of Pr0n. I have 300 GIG's of the stuff. I might even let you have a little bit of that. IF you want to know why I am the way I am - blame my parents. They never gave me any pocket money, and told me to get a job if I wanted to get stuff of my own. So I thought: "FUCK IT", and so I hack people's account for stuff by postal order, or just crack the software I want. Anyway, my friend wants to talk. He says that I might "CO-RUPT" you ethically if I speak to you for too long. (Editor's note: Mind your language)

Grey Hat

Ambivalent, the world be. Black hat and white hat polarise the issue. Structure the sentence in same order, I don't always. It's never black and white, its usually in the middle! The world is not always divisible or classifiable by colour. Did you just forget the other senses? Black Hat at least is honest, but bad intentions he has, and you can tell he is really insecure about them, because he boldens and shouts the points he feels are the least acceptable. He's as insecure as the computers he likes to access. White Hat is deluded - he says he doesn't hack for a reason. Done for a reason, everything is! He hacks for personal gain - getting paid by his nice I.T. firm. I hack for ostensibly the same reasons - security and finding the flaws therein - only I might be a bit more underhand in the way I find it out. But what so? Information is free, or I say so! White Hat would never hack a person's computer - Black Hat would hack into someone's computer and steal their porn. Stand, where do I? Well, I'd hack someone's computer, maybe have a brief glance at some of the thumbnails in the XXX folder, and then send them a nice email telling them to shore up their system. Nothing wrong with that, I see.

Mr. Hat

I don't really know much about hacking. I'm just a gay guy's teaching aide. Or I was at least I was until some George Michael lookalike with a penchant for whips, chains and lord knows what else took my role. But I'll get my job back, and I'll show him, I'll show him alright.

Whoops, I mean her! Damnit, I'm doomed to be an unused character in a comedy series that doesn't care about surrealism anymore!!. I'm probably too normal for Family Guy, and I can't see any other series taking (Editors Note: This is nothing to do with hacking anymore.)

Mad Hat(ter)

Off with their hats! Hahaha! I'm sorry, but would you like some tea? I don't think the others offered? Do you mind if we switch chairs? Mind the rabbit droppings! What do I know about hacking? Well, there's a poem I could recite:

If I were to tell you about hacking

I am afraid I would be sent packing!

More tea? I can't remember the rest of the verse. I am sorry. I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing. I might wear a white hat, but I am not a white hat, don't you see?