Viktor Uspaskich

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The Birth of Viktor
You gotta feed the hungry nation with something

Viktor Agurkich, also known by the pseudonym Uspaskich, used to be the most powerful man in Lithuania until he left the country suddenly, unexpectedly and unexplainably. Viktor currently appears to be staying in Russia. Or is it Finland? No, I believe he's actually in Poland right now. Or maybe Belarus? Heck! No one knows for sure. I mean, come on! What could possibly force a successful entrepreneur and a popular politician to leave his very own business, family, friends, pets, cars, lovers, etc. and vanish just like that? There have been speculations about his apparent middle-aged crisis supposedly responsible for this kind of unaccountable action. These are yet to be verified.

People love Viktor[edit]

They do. Really. Ask anyone in any Lithuanian village (Kaunas would be a good starting point) and you will see they all have strong opinions regarding Viktor's personality. He is known for helping the poor repress their hunger by supporting them with home-made cucumbers, helping the hopeless find their sunshine by providing them an inexhaustible spring of parole, and helping the sinful relieve their pain by lubricating them with vodka. That's right, all this you get for free and there ain't no shipping fees.


Every good Samarian tends to be disreputed sooner or later. Viktor was no exception. The Evil Forces, guided by Vytautas Landsbergis and Co, have incriminated him for the following apparent infringements of The Commandments:

  1. Promoted himself as the God, thus infringing religious copyright canons.
  2. Has been repeatedly using the name of God™ in his public speach, thus breaking religious trademark canons.
  3. Did not observe neither Sunday nor the Sabbath day.
  4. Being a politician AND running a business at the same time, exploited the poverty of his own parents for the sake of political marketing.
  5. Killed J.F. Kennedy.
  6. Committed adultery against his own electorate.
  7. Stole the hope from the hopeless after joining the Parliament.
  8. Lied about his intimate relations to Monica Bellucci. In fact, there weren't any. All this was yet another marketing trick.
  9. Wanted to ged laid with the President's daughter. (Wait a minute... The President has no children. Ah crap, how else am I supposed to fill the gap in this list?)
  10. And finally, desired the wealth of EU Structural Funds. This incrimination was actually found to be applicable to every single member of the Parliament. Nobody cares, though.

So Where's Victor anyway?[edit]

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