In Soviet Russia, or any other glorious iteration of Russia, Soviet or otherwise, there are many forms of High Art universally recognized internationally. To name only some, there is Bolshoi Ballet, Lenin's Mummified Corpse, Sputnik, mummified corpse of Yuri Gagarin, and most importantly, Unicycle-riding bears. Unicycle-riding bears are testament to strength of workers, of will of people, of glorious Mother Russia!
Today, although unicycle-riding bears are endangered, unicycles and bears are still proudly made in proud factories on the Volga!
Patriotic Value of Circus as explained by Igor Yanovich Chernynko
Greetings, comrades! Why unicycle-riding bears, you ask? I will tell you why, mishka. Circus gives chance for glorious Russian peoples to see glorious Russian entertainment.
What is entertainment? Jugglers are entertainment. Clown is entertainment. But bear on unicycle is fine entertainment, most entertaining of all entertainment.
For glory of Russian worker, bear rides unicycle around ring! Ride, bear, ride! Ha ha, what lusty fun! People cheer, and people clap, full of patriotic pride and joy. The Motherland salutes efforts of bear on unicycle, riding around ring.
Good bear! Later, bear will get single pickled salmon. Not two pickled salmon, single pickled salmon. It is delicious bear treat, treat for riding unicycle so well, made locally at Livotsk by robust state-run Pickled Salmon Consortium as part of mananged economy!
Everyone has job. Pickled Salmon workers have jobs - bear has job. His job is to ride unicycle, and he does it well.
Ah, ruinous black fortune! Bear fall off of unicycle. See heroic trainer spring to action! Children shriek - "get bear back on unicycle, ride unicycle for great glory and entertainment!" Ah, what dark calamity is this! Bear does not want to go back on unicycle, and takes swings with claws.
One, two, three! Is there doctor in house? Bear trainer is bleeding badly!
Bear mauling trainer is fine entertainment that epitomizes classist struggle between furry, muscular masses and lazy, whip-wielding bourgeoise! See heroic struggles of bear-trainer to survive fury of bear forced to ride unicycle!
I think crowd roots for bear; he has upper paw, ha ha! I must remember that one if heroic and honest state-run Russian Free Press comes to interview circus staff after trainer loses heroic struggle with angered bear.
Trainer is not moving - see how bear beats him with unicycle! Now this is circus! This is Russia!
An Excerpt from Dostoyevsky's The Unicycle-riding Bear
General Prudoshkin walked slowly to the window, limping as he went. He slowly took out his pipe, and looked at it thoughtfully while Presetska, Annokovka and Yuri waited behind the couch, expectantly. At length, the General lighted his pipe and smoked deeply and exhaled, wrapping a wreath of blue haze around his head.
"Ah, I see you have caught cold so late in this autumn season, Yuri Panovich," said the General absently, puffing on his pipe. "Your unrequited love for Annokovka has brought you to this state, undoubtedly"
"Father!" blurted Yuri, his face glowing hot and red as Annokovka turned on her heels and fled the room in haste. "Why would you say such a thing in front of the princess!"
"Sometimes these things cannot be avoided," said the General. "When Michael Alexayvich proposed his hand to her earlier in the summer, clumsily, I might add, it was said she died a thousand deaths, so delicate a flower as that girl. Her mother was so mortified she jumped in the Volga and nearly drowned. Yes, it was the talk of the city."
Suddenly, the shriek of a woman pierced the drawing room door.
"Oh, I hope the princess did not run into the room where we keep Oleg the Unicycle-riding bear!" gasped Presetska, her face turing white as a sheet. Yuri steadied her while the General raised an eyebrow amidst the intesifying shrieking.
"Quite," said he.
Commentary from the ASPCA
If you are reading this article, know this - forcing a bear, whether panda, brown, grizzly, teddy, koala or black, to ride a unicycle or other similar wheeled vehicle is animal cruelty. If you don't believe this, go into the wild and live amongst the bears for years on end, sort of like that grizzly guy who was savagely killed by bears (just don't end up like him or anything), and keep your eyes peeled for a single bear using a vehicle. You're just not going to find one. Bears are our friends - albeit, friends we need to observe from far away so that they don't maul us with their massive claws, but friends nonetheless. We owe it to them not to force them to ride unicycles.
Recipe for Unicycle-riding bear
Follow closely, or results may vary:
- One bear, hopefully trained to ride unicycles since it was cub
- One unicycle
For best results, it may help to have whip, tranquilizer gun,a beanie for the bear to wear, and training with large animals. Also a good idea: quick access to excellent medical care.