| Humour:
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6
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In humor terms, this is really good for a first article. Alright then, a section-by-section review.
- Lede: Good, but see P+F. Also, your lede is a little long. I like the lede of an article to give me an introduction to the concept matter, which yours did, but in a brief manner. I would recommend keeping the jokes you have here, but cutting out anything unnecessary. Also, I would have liked you to say "World of Warcraft" rather then just "Warcraft", as that's easier to understand.
- So you've decided to steal shit: Problems. The title is unnecessarily profane. I believe that you should use profanity only when showing anger, not in a casual manner. Otherwise, you sound like you're angry, or worse, like someone who hates the subject matter. I also dislike "lazy writing"- when people don't complete a thought because they don't want to type the whole thing out. In would recommend just getting rid of the "The Few The Proud" thing.
- Uniform: Mostly good, but... I barely understand the third sentence, but I don't find it funny, so I would just cut it. Also, I hate people who say "proven fact". That's so redundant- if it's a fact, it has to be proven. Just say "fact".
- Tools: Unfunny. Y'know what I said profanity? Well, I think "crap" should be applied to that rule, as well. Please replace that with "stuff". Now, onto the worst part: I really didn't laugh here. It seemed almost factual, identifying what he needed, but not giving a funny reason why. You should satirize in the reasoning for bringing said items. The screwdriver thing was an OK example of that, but not a great one. The problem is that you aren't describing it in a funny enough way. I can't really think of something for you to say, but I'm sure you can! Try to make it over-the-top. I don't like the second paragraph, and I don't think it really adds much, so I would just get rid of it.
- Time to get started: Listy. Ugh, this is a list. (DUN DUN DUN!!!!!) Seriously though, lists are not considered a good way to convey humor. Although yours isn't too bad, it still would work better in paragraph form. The same goes for the second list. Although, I don't really see the purpose of that second list; it removes the surprise that the article gives you by revealing everything that will happen.
- Night 1: Mostly good, but... I don't like the vomit and fart humor. I think it makes you sound kind of immature. I think you should replace that with something else the cop would find undesirable, like if the person played dead. That's just an example of something you can do. The same applies to the rest of the references to shitting yourself in the article.
- Night 2: Issues. I don't think you should have used "Yuppie". I had to search Wikipedia to find out what that was, and a casual reader wouldn't go that far. I would just replace that with "upper-class"- much easier to understand. Also, saying they have good shit is unnecessary profanity, because you aren't angry. The way you used "assholes" was fine, though. I don't like the Mexican thing, either- it seems like random rambling. Remember to always stick to your concept. Since it's unnecessary, I would just remove all of those sentences, and then simply say "The lawn is really overgrown". That's not funny, but it sticks to the concept. Also, there should be an apostrophe before "hood". "Are you writing this or am I?" - This is bad. It breaks the fourth wall and is self-referential. I would cut that. As a rule, in articles, you should not refer to the fact that the article is an article, or that it was written, someone is reading it, etc.
- Finding a good fence: Some problems. The title of this is pretty misleading. The title is about finding some kind of fence, but it gets into a story about a pawn shop. I think you should just make the title "Visit the pawn shop". I think the bit about the hooker is unnecessary and should be cut. It doesn't stick to the topic. Of course, you COULD move that to somewhere else that was all about a ghetto, but I don't like it here. You also said "Jesus <censor> Christ" - You shouldn't censor things, as that totally ruins the effect. We are an uncensored humor website, after all. I liked the humor at the end, by the way.
- Back to the job at hand: Needs moar. There really aren't any jokes here, and this is a pretty short section. So, you should expand with jokes, and make sure to follow your concept, of course.
- Night 3: Two problems, mostly OK. First: Um, this is contradictory. In the beginning, the narrator guy was saying that the robber was "no He-man", so why do you talk about how strong he is? I don't think that's necessary, so I would remove it, as to not contradict yourself. Second: Please don't mention Uncyclopedia in articles. That is self-reference and it is considered bad. Please remove the "donate it to Uncyclopedia" bit, as it's not necessary and it is self-referential.
- Night 4: Fine, except... The reference to Stevie Wonder seems namedroppy. Namedropping is when you refer to a celebrity or other famous person where they have no place. Please remove that.
- Picking a tough sounding prison nickname: Wait. You're getting ahead of yourself here. When did he get arrested? You should try to make him have a funny arrest before you jump right to prison. Also, I think you should change the title and just put the current title as a sentence in the paragraph. (For example: "Make sure you get a tough-sounding prison nickname.") Why do I think that? Well, this is your conclusion, and I think it should be titled as such. An example title: Now that you're locked up.... Also, I liked your ending.
Overall: This is really good for a first article. Most first articles would get scores like 2 and 1 from me. The biggest problem lies in unnecessary text that bogs the rest of the article down and makes it less funny.
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| Concept:
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5.75
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This is an interesting concept, and not too bad, which would give it about a 7. However, your execution has issues, which puts it at this score. See above. Also, I noticed you sometimes veered off in concept. I would like you to stick to the "You're a weakling nerd, and I'm here to make your life better" concept.
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| Prose and formatting:
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3
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The article's biggest issue. Considering you have a proofreading tag, you obviously have some problems. A spellcheck by me, the grammar NaziTM says:
- You used "Lets" multiple times here. Always use "Let's"- the same applies to can't, don't, shouldn't, etc. Apostrophes are important!
- Same with "its". "Its" is possessive. This is correct: "The dog ate its bone." This is not: "Its a dog bone." "It's" means "it is".
- Always capitalize I! Always!
- You should always use an "'s" when showing ownership of something, like "Your neighbor's house".
- Remember to capitalize the first letter of your sentences, always.
- "iPod" over "i pod".
- Gah, you did the thing I hate most: You said "your" instead of "you're". "You're" means "you are". "Your" shows ownership. Examples: "Your dog" - correct. "You're penis" - Incorrect. "Your a happy person" - incorrect. "You're cool." - Correct.
- "Overwhelmed" is usually used as one word; there's no reason for that space. Same with "yourself".
- "Threw" means to throw something, e.g "He threw a basketball". "Through" means to go into and out of something, e.g "The bullet went through his heart" or "Think it through".
- Grammar: - No offense, but yours was pretty bad. Notes:
- Note 1: Remember to space after putting a comma.
- Note 2: Question marks and periods shouldn't be confused. "Wait, is that a siren?" is a question, and a period doesn't go after it. I think you had problems with this elsewhere, but I'm too lazy to look.
- Note 3: You had multiple problems with commas, which seriously hurt the flow of the article. To fix this, read the article out loud to yourself. Every time you pause in mid-sentence, add a comma. If you need more help with this, use spellcheck in Microsoft Word; it checks grammar, too.
- Note 4: There are some missing words here and there. Again, reading this aloud will help that. The Proofreading service should fix anything you don't catch.
- Note 5: Remember, if you say something like "Run through the crack house saying white power", you should always put quotation marks after what you intend the person to say. "White power!" is proper.
- Note 6: You mixed up "to" and "too", another pet peeve of mine. "Too" can mean "also" or "too much". "To"....well, I hope you know what "to" means.
- Note 7: Always remember that two different thoughts are two different sentences, e.g "Now swing. Great hit..."
- Note 8: When putting in an ellipse (...), use only three dots, as using any more is excessive, and kind of annoying.
- Note 9: Most of the time you underused commas, but at the end, "win win" doesn't have a comma in between.
- Note 10: Remember when to use "an" instead of "a".
- Note 11: "Come back" is two words when you say something like "Come back to me!". It is one word when you say something like "Britney Spears made a comeback".
- Formatting: First off, all of the images and the big template makes the top a little cluttered. You can move the Proofreading Service template to the bottom. You should also spread your images out a little, as most are at the top, and that's a huge cause for a cluttered look. Some of your paragraphs were a little long. When viewing an article, no paragraph should be over five lines long. Some of yours were way more then that, such as the "Uniform" section. You can simply split them off into two paragraphs, and decide exactly where you want to end the first paragraph and go to your second. Your images are all really small, except for the last one. Why is that? You can simply re-size them by putting a higher number before the "px" in the editing box.
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| Images:
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6
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Image-by-image.
- First image: Well, I have an issue with how this looks. The money doesn't look very real. I think you should fix it to look a bit more like real money. Simply look a dollar bill, and compare to money in your picture, and fix accordingly.
- Second image: Fine, but not really funny. I guess you didn't need it to be, though.
- Third image: Funny image, really bad caption. What does Ohio have to do with the concept? I understand that you're trying to make fun of losers, but the Ohio reference is namedroppy. I think you should completely rewrite the caption. You could possibly say something like "This is probably what your scratch offs look like".
- Fourth image: Fine.
- Fifth image: Meh, I think you could make this funnier. You could add something like "Do you realize how pitiful you look? Get up and go get some more money!" to make it funnier.
- Sixth image: Meh, I would just cut this one. It doesn't fit with the concept and it isn't particularly funny. It bases itself off of a pun, which would be good, except the pun doesn't go off of the general concept of that section.
- Seventh image: That's fine.
- Final image: Two problems with the image manipulation here. Number one, the person's head is blurry. You should make it have the same texture consistency as the rest of the image. Also, something a bit more minor, that sink is curved. It should be straight, and not crooked. I don't know how to fix this stuff, as image manipulation is not my thing, but I hope you can.
Overall: A 5.5 means that these are OK images and captions, but not particularly funny.
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| Miscellaneous:
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6
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My feeling of how good this currently is.
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| Final Score:
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26.75
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Good job on this- this a good first article. It just has some serious grammar errors to figure out. It also has some humor and image issues. Remember to stick to and re-read HTBFANJS. It will help. (But remember that it is a guideline, and not something that should command your every move). Contact me on my talk page if you have any questions.
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| Reviewer:
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--Sir HELPME Talk (more? --> CUN ROTM NOTM Pleb USS Pees SK ) On Tuesday, 04:26, June 22 2010 UTC
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