Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnReviews:FIFA 10

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UnReviews:FIFA 10

This is my first UnReview and I think it's pretty good. However, I would like a second opinion. Comments, suggestions...? Any helpful criticism will be greatly appreciated. --Some Idiot 08:18, August 23, 2010 (UTC)

I'm in here, 24 hours. --ChiefjusticeDS 07:08, September 14, 2010 (UTC)

Humour:	7	Right, this article has its highs and lows for me, at times I really enjoyed the reviewer's shambolic attempt at playing FIFA and at other times I thought it sounded too much like someone was making this up rather than being able to believe that it was an actual response to the game. The very first thing that struck me about this one was the way the narrative develops, obviously you intend the narrator to start off with completely professional intentions, essentially to review the game and use lots of long words while doing so, but I feel there are a number of issues with what you have produced here. The very first is that besides the initial transition to annoyed the feeling of frustration that we get from the narrator at the end of the "Kick-off" section isn't very well developed, the reviewer seems annoyed at the goal going in but rather than getting increasingly frustrated you keep the narrative very much as it was before but with a number of swear words thrown in to emphasis the annoyance. What I thought you could have done would be to take advantage of this in your writing, consider it this way, when you actually play FIFA you become increasingly frustrated the more the computer beats you so why not make an effort to merge this with your writing since this is meant to be a review, consider something like "The passing is very easy and I'm really enjoying passing the ball around my players, listening to the computerised commentator make various preset comments about it, then I get braver and I try a daring ball through to one of my attackers, invariably this goes to straight to a defender and, as it does so the commentator pipes up with 'brilliant interception', FUCK YOU CLYDE CHELSEY, I HAVE FRIENDS, I WILL FIND YOU, AND YOUR SCOTTISH ACCOMPLICE!!" While what I have written there may well not be the zenith of humour I hope it makes the point well enough, try and push both the frustration and the review aspects, try and intersperse the two so a piece of reasonable criticism is suffixed with a frustrated denouncement of the game as the worst thing ever simply because it is not letting the reviewer score, remember not to neglect the review aspect of this one and as the article wears on try to alter the balance so the amount of meaningful comments about the game are dwarfed by the reviewers complaining, something like "FINALLY by some miracle a clear run on goal, actually the game is quite involving when you- FUCK OFF!! IS THIS BALL ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE IN THE FUCKING CROWD? MY GRANNY COULD DO BETTER FROM TWICE THAT RANGE AND SHE HAS BEEN DEAD FOR 2 YEARS!". My main issue with what you have at the moment is that it feels more like a commentary than a review since you only focus on what happens in the game rather than how it happens, the main criticism I found is implied, the narrator is having a hard time, thus the game isn't great. The second thing that struck me was the ending, now this is somewhat minor in the grand scheme of things but the verdict is an important part of most reviews, not to mention the closing statement your reviews seems to build up and then all if a sudden you stop and the resolution is essentially that football is best played outside. I was hoping for something that demonstrated the reviewers' feelings at being beaten 13-0 by the computer. I don't want to try and tell you the best way to conclude your article but I would recommend you take a second look and see if you can't make it slightly more fitting as it felt somewhat out of place here. I may be being slightly harsh with the score here, but I felt it necessary to emphasise the need to draw this article back towards the namespace it coming from; people will expect something styled a bit more like a review. Beyond that I did think you had some amusing lines in this and you have a good grasp of how to say the stuff that will make this funny, you just need to look at when and why you should say it.
Concept:	6	Your concept is pretty self explanatory and as I mention above, I thought you were having a few problems sticking with it. My main suggestion here regards the layout of your article, again I felt rather unsure about your decision to set the article out as you have, reviews in my experience don't have to be as strictly divided as Pee reviews are but they still focus on aspects of the game separately. What I'm driving at is that you could experiment with splitting the article not by time but by gameplay feature, you could retain the present style and humour, but a change may permit you to add some more jokes and make this seem more like a review. If you are happy with the article as it is then my main advice would be to try and make the narrative more relevant early on, you start telling it like it is a story a couple of times and I think it would be better if you try and keep the narrative a bit more detached than that.
Prose and formatting:	7	Your prose are fine, I had a quick check and I only spotted a couple of typos and other errors as I read through. All I will say to you is that you should remember to proofread your articles and you are aware of the proofreading service so make use of them if you really feel that you don't want to. Besides that your formatting is pretty good with my only remaining suggestion being that you consider putting captions on the images, I felt you were really missing a chance to make some extra jokes there.
Images:	8	I thought your images were the best part of your article, they really add to the review feel. As I say above I would really suggest captions to perhaps showcase the irritation with the set-piece or particular event that the images are showing. Other than that you have done a good job with this one.
Miscellaneous:	7	My overall grade of the article.
Final Score:	35	Overall this is an enjoyable piece of work, I certainly didn't have any trouble getting through it. My main feeling is that this one is good as it is but, with a bit more work can be much better and far more suited to the namespace it is in. If you have any questions or comments about anything I have said here then you can contact me via my talk page. Good luck making any changes.
Reviewer:	--ChiefjusticeDS 15:25, September 14, 2010 (UTC)