Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/The Church of Tyra
The Church of Tyra[edit]
Skyler 00:28, 15 June 2008 (UTC)
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A big mug o' reviewin' strength tea? Why, that must mean this article is being reviewed by: UU - natter  (While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider helping someone else instead). (Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing, feel free to remove it or clout UU athwart the ear'ole). |
OK, I got this. --UU - natter 10:51, Jun 23
| Humour: | 3 | OK, first impressions: woah, that's a whole bunch of quotes - that's not a good start dude. We try to keep quotes to a minimum, and only go with them if they are really funny and add to the article. A bunch of quotes with Tyra arguing with Oprah isn't good. And it's just not making me laugh. Hope it improves from here.
Ah, right, so this is similar to the Oprah things, based on Tyra also having a talk show? Ah. Oh, and there are lists. Plenty of lists. OK, first up, read this. Lists should be used sparingly, and only if there's no alternative - they're not really that funny, and having several on a page is usually a sign the article needs improvement. Take any good ideas, and try to write them into a paragraph - if you can't, there's a large chance they weren't that funny anyway. The idea of it being a sin to wear jeans that don't fit might have some mileage in it, and I'm sure there's potential to work with the whole "fierce" thing. The "lazer" beams and dragon breath thing feels kinda random - OK, the gif kinda backs it up, but there's no explanation beyond "Tyra realised she was G-d". How did she realise it? Seems a strange thing to suddenly realise to me. The last section has the most potential, to be honest with you. Ideas like the buff gay bouncer on the door could work, if explained a little more. Perhaps Miss Jay and Mr Jay from ANTM could be involved in some way? Work more on the idea of a church, and how one can become a true believer. Leave the Oprah stuff out, or at least marginalise it - it doesn't help. And instead think about how a church dedicted to a fashion icon could work. What would be the holy book be about? You mention a book, but don't go into much detail about it, qe just get another list. Isn't there a chance the holy book might be the Sears Catalog or something similar? What about holy food? (Very little - have to keep that model figure - but we don't want to encourage eating disorders, of course!) Who might be saints/prophets of this church? That kind of thing. |
| Concept: | 2 | Oprah has a talk show. Oprah has a bunch of pages about her being, like, evil and stuff, and taking over the world. So now Tyra has a talk show, so let's do the same for her, and have a war between her and Oprah? Dude, the Oprah thing is old and wasn't really funny in the first place. If you're gonna approach an old meme, you need to bring something fresh to the table, a new angle. This has nothing new, just "Tyra is, like, powerful and so is Oprah and stuff, here's a bunch of stuff about them being powerful. Lazers, boobs, hotness, blah blah blah. Sorry, but this feels stale. You need a fresh angle - concept is the most important thing in writing a good article. If you're just copying an existing idea, unless you're parodying it in a clever way, you're already in trouble. So think of a more coherent central thread about how this church would function, or come up with another approach - it's up to you! |
| Prose and formatting: | 5 | Let's see - typos? ("fashinable"; "Forgivness"; "Bankls"; "comfertable"; "descrptions") - check. Confusing bits, badly structured, difficult to follow and not brilliantly punctuated? (The whole "History" section) check. Misuse of apostrophes? Not too bad, actually. Hmm, not great, but we do see worse. |
| Images: | 5 | Two. Of which one is an MS Paint version of the star of David (although that is kind of explained in the article, so it's kinda relevant) and that gif. Hmm. The gif is OK, I suppose, although you need more normal images to back it up. A good article of this length should have 3 - 4 images at least, depending on size. And they need to be relevant. It's not like there's a shortage of pics of Ms Banks, so I'm sure you can find something. A ridiculous pic like the gif works well when offset by more serious pics, so that the absurdity is highlighted. |
| Miscellaneous: | 3.8 | Averaged. |
| Final Score: | 18.8 | OK, this isn't a great score, but don't let it get you down. Plenty of people start off like this, and writing good articles is about one thing: practice. The more you write, the better you get. There's help available - I've tried to give plenty of pointers above, for starters. For seconds, have a good read through HTBFANJS - despite the title, I'm not suggesting you're stupid, it's a collection of comedy writing hints that really are very useful. Some of our best writers refer to it regularly. also, have a look at some of our featured articles, that should give you more idea about what we're looking for in a good article.
As it stands, being honest, I'd say this is the kind of article we see ending up on VFD, but I think there's potential for improvement. So please don't take this as a personal attack - I'm trying to give an honest appraisal based on my experience on this site. Feel free to ask questions if you want any further tips, my talk page is always open. Finally, this is only my opinion, others are available. And good luck! --UU - natter |
| Reviewer: | --UU - natter 11:36, Jun 23
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