Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Phrase (again)
Phrase[edit]
I'd prefer an in-depth review, unlike last time. To ensure this, I'd rather have a PEEing member review this article. If so, please take care to read my notes in the above link before letting rip. Thanks in advance. --
-kun "whisper sweet nothings into thine ear..." 15:40, 28 February 2009 (UTC)
I try to get to this tonight (or early moring by your clock). Some flyby thoughts:
- The foreign phrase section is more or less jibberish. I now you did that by intention, but nobody actually reads or wants to read long sections of jibberish. In all likelihood, the reader will skip this section. I would suggest inserting some English connecting words to make sense out of it, or deleting the whole section.
- The slang section is almost incomprehensible to any person who lives outside of the U.K. This isn't necessarily bad, but you might want to use more general slang if possible.
- Overall, this might have VFH, but, it is a "clever but not funny" article. That isn't a bad thing either, but it might be abstained to death of VFH. --Mnb'z 19:13, 3 March 2009 (UTC)
- Good comments. Of the sections, I was uneasy about the slang and foreign phrases sections. I'm not familiar with much slang in general, so I could only resort to cockney, but if I'm told of any other slang variants, I'll pore in some research and attempt to make the section easier for a more general audience. The foreign section, like slang, I wanted to somehow add a section using foreign phrases, but couldn't think of a better way to present them. I thought it'd be passed off as gibberish as well, but I remained with it, as the rest of the article could at least balance it out. I will most certainly be looking forward to your review and suggestions - you have one of the keenest eyes on the whole site. ---kun "whisper sweet nothings into thine ear..." 19:33, 3 March 2009 (UTC)
| Concept: | 7 | Ok, instead of doing my normal format, I'm going to put most of the information in paragraph format after the template. I'll use the template mainly to explain why you go the score you did.
The theme of the article has some potential, but I'm not sure how much better you can make it. |
| Prose and Formatting: | 9.5 | This is where you get bonus points for the effort in creating this. I don't see any major errors however:
|
| Images: | 7.5 | As you know, your depending mostly on captions for the humor. You probably can't get around that, but the images just don't go together that well for some reason. Probably because they don't really have a common theme. |
| Humour: | 5.5 | I would call this one "clever but not hilarious". That is not a bad thing, it balances out the wiki and makes the outlandish articles look more funny and less stupid. |
| Improvability Score: | 6 | Improbability score. I think this one might be a bit hard to improve. It still does have potential for some clean up, but I don't think you can the "clever but not that funny" nature of the article. |
| Final Score: | 35.5 | I would say this might have VFH potential, but I really can't say. I think its score should be a bit higher than, 35.5, I would say 38-40. The weak humor score (which in turn drives down the improvability score) is what makes it low. |
| Reviewer: | --Mnb'z 07:02, 4 March 2009 (UTC) | |
Overview[edit]
Overly British[edit]
Your article is overly British. For example, you use the word "football" to refer to soccer. When I first read it, I thought you were talking about the American game. Also, I would suggest getting some quotes from some American sport commentators. See Wikiquote:Yogi Berra for some good quotes.
Additionally, you might want to get rid of words phrases most Americans don't know about. I made a list of phrases I didn't get at the end. Also, use the word "policeman" instead of "bobby."
Risk of Incoherence[edit]
At times, the article comes across as almost incoherent. Well, maybe not incoherent, but hard to follow. This is espeically true in the introduction. (Well, and in the foreign phrases, but that is blatant randomness.) Its sort of reminiscent of the intro to the classic Oscar Wilde article in its bombasticness, and its probably funny to you, or anyone who is familiar with the article.
However, there is a risk that it might scare off a reader. Generally, articles start of deadpan or mild, and get more bombastic later on. Since you start out with phrases on top of phrases, without really conveying much information, your reader will probably assume you accelerate that trend as the article progresses. To be blunt, the reader will assume the article is all "phrase vomiting" and not read it.
I would suggest toning that down, probably by pruning some of the less appropriate phrases. But I could see reasons to keep it as is. It is rather funny, and my main objection to it is my dislike of starting out outlandish/bombastic.
Also, I think this article gets the general point of its "plot" across even if the reader doesn't get some of the idioms or even if some idioms are misused.
Section Specific[edit]
Slang[edit]
That is barely English to most American readers. I would suggest replacing it with less regional slang.
Phrases Stolen From Foreign Languages[edit]
I would suggest getting rid of this section. It is random babbling right now, and most readers will skip it. You might be able to save it if you make it make sense, and add some English to connect the foreign words. Even then, you run the risk of coming across as too pretentious.
Final Comments[edit]
I would advise against expanding this too much, or putting to much effort into it. This could easily turn into a black hole of time, and its close to being as good as it can get. I would suggest a clean up, pruning, and de-Overly-British-ification. And if you have time, maybe attempting to redo the "Slang" and "Foreign" sections.
List O' Phrases I am Unfamiliar With[edit]
This does not include the slang and foreign language sections.
- a giddy aunt
- a safe pair of hands,
- a word in your shell-like ear
- Dressed to the nines
- load of codswallop
- wet behind the ears
- I shall be sent to Coventry!
- the cut of your jib
- One man, in his donkeys years,
--Mnb'z 07:02, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
- Alright, some awesome issues pointed out, thank you for that. I will try an generalise the audience a little, rethink the slang and foreign phrases section and add a couple of across-the-pond commentator's phrases as well. Not trying to be patritiotic, but I can't promise I can dial down how British the article is. For most British users on the site, it's a given that they will use British-inspired humour, let alone the kind of language that seems purely fluent to us. Anyway, thanks again for the review. ---kun "whisper sweet nothings into thine ear..." 10:03, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
- Overly British? I suggest the guidelines are read here, its the same as wikipedia, the language to article will remain in is that of the author or how the author wishes, also you may like to know American Football is called American Football, Football is a nickname you Yanks use for it, we had the word football first before your nation was founded by Europeans so there. I think the football should say, as ours is known more worldwide and I don't care for America that much.--—The preceding signed comment was added by Projectmayhem666 (talk • contribs). 12:42, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
- The rule is to try to use common phrases that won't be misunderstood irregardless of the regional dialect. --Mnb'z 17:04, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
- As they're both popular sports I don't see how one can take dominance over the other, especially when one is short for American Football and the other is just Football.--—The preceding signed comment was added by Projectmayhem666 (talk • contribs). 17:23, 4 March 2009 (UTC)