Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Alberto Gonzales (resub 5)
Alberto Gonzales[edit]
I'm looking for suggestions for expansion (not trimming, I did that on Friday) and once exapanded, I'm going to give it a shot at VFH-- 13:08, 14 January 2008 (UTC)
| Humour: | 6 | Opening - 7
Clever opening, short sharp and builds up to something good. Early Life - 5 No real jokes and a bit dry. Well written but lacking. The book thing; was it really necessary? Maybe it could make some people laugh but I missed the humor. NEVER EVER EVER USE LOLOL unless really necessary! Use the illegal immigrants part more, build on that. Career - 6.5 "During the testimony, he accepted full responsibility and acknowledged "mistakes were made", but did not recall shredding a memo ordering the firings. Days later, he claimed he did not recall accepting full responsibility and blamed the Democrats." That was a classic line and there were a few of them but starting with "Nothing happened" is a bad place to start. The last little bit was lame. Bid for Presidency - 5.5 Too short. It had one joke which wasn't very funny. Needed expanding |
| Concept: | 6 | Didn't really go anywhere. |
| Prose and formatting: | 7 | Decent. |
| Images: | 7.5 | The images were good but just a bit better than average. |
| Miscellaneous: | 6.5 | av'd |
| Final Score: | 33 | see below |
| Reviewer: | --DJ Irreverent 05:59, 17 January 2008 (UTC) | |
You are a good writer I can see that but this article just lacked direction.
What it needs is a theme and an objective.
The theme needs to be something engaging like; written in the style he talks, talking up the subject matter, a rant (It may work), an idea which is way out from what everyone expects, that kind of thing. You have some good writing here but you need to steer it towards a central idea. Don't go off on tangents unless you really need to for the article.
One idea I had while reading was, incorporating your ideas into some really "high up" satire. Pretend Gonzales works down at your local grocery store as some illegal immigrant. You can use the ideas in this, such as the I can not recall thing, like so -
Once I asked him where the ketchup was, he just replied in a heavy Mexican accent "Ketchup? I do not recall the existence of a ket yup?" But I found it just down the aisle...
Just my 2 cents.
Anyway. It is a good article, but to survive VFH it needs an overall theme IMO--DJ Irreverent 05:59, 17 January 2008 (UTC)