UnScripts:X-Men: The Last Stand

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

This script art a part of

The UnScripts Project

Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions.

Main Page | Marlowe of the Month | Requests | The Scripts Collection

Approximately 0.2% of the film's cast

X-Men: The Last Stand - Un film par Stan Lee et Brett Ratner!!!

Scene 1: Jean Grey's childhood house, 20 Years Ago[edit]

Enter Magneto and Professor X, exiting a car for the lonely cul-de-sac that is home to a new discovery.

Magneto: Why are we here, again?

Professor X: I've told you about a dozen times on the way up here! This young lass could be the key to preventing a MacGuffin!

Magneto: And a MacGuffin is...

Prof X: Why, it's an apparatus for trapping lions in the Scottish Highlands, of course!

Magneto: But... but, there are no lions in the Scottish Highlands!

Prof X: Well, then, that's no MacGuffin!

Magneto: Um... what?

Prof X: Oh, never mind! Just open the door before my legs collapse!

Magneto: Shouldn't you have taken your wheelchair instead of your prosthetic legs?

Prof X: Yes, but this neighborhood isn't cripple-accessible.

Magneto: Ah...

The pair enter the modest home, where they find Jean Grey and her parents sitting in the parlour.

Mr. Grey: Welcome.

Mrs. Grey: Would you take a seat?

Prof X: Why, thank you, madam...

Magneto: I will stand.

Prof X: Erik, please--

Magneto: Just my personal preference. Continue on, please.

Prof X: When we received your letter, we knew you had a special child on your hands.

Mr. Grey: Yes, we did think so, but the doctors told us she might have been--

Magneto: A doctor? Do you think your child is ill, Mr. Grey?

Mrs. Grey: Not at all; we were just hoping that--

Magneto: I was speaking to Mr. Grey, if you please.

Prof X: Carry on.

Mr. Grey: Well, we had never seen a child like her before, sirs.

Prof X: I was hoping she could demonstrate her... gift to us.

Magneto: To test her worthiness!

Prof X: That is enough, Erik.

Magneto glares at the Professor, but does not continue.

Prof X: Please, er--

Jean Grey: Jean.

Prof X: Yes, Jean; demonstrate your ability for us.

Jean concentrates and within seconds the entire room is rattling so bad it looks like test footage for Earthquake. Magneto looks at the Professor, pleasantly surprised.

Magneto: You were right, Charles.

Prof X: Yes; this one is special...

Scene 2: The Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters, 20 Years Later[edit]

Wolverine and Rogue are sitting at one of the desks, doing algebra, or whatever kind of homework they have.

Enter Colossus.

Colossus: Hey, Logan! How was Alkali Lake?

Wolverine: Desolate and barren, as always.

Colossus: Dude.

Exit Colossus.

Wolverine: Uh, Rogue, do you think you could go find Cyclops? I've got to tell him something.

Rogue: Sure, Logan.

Wolverine: I just hope he's doing alright, after what happened to Jean.

Rogue (To viewers): Oh yeah, and by the way: Brett Ratner seriously stinks. Even though I was THE major young female character of the first two movies, this is the last time you'll seee me, aside from when I look through a window, and stand in line for something. And that's it. That stupid Kitty Pryde...

Exit Rogue, looking pissed.

Enter Cyclops, too preoccupied with death to notice Wolverine.

Cyclops: Woeth is me-eth!

Wolverine: Oh, boy...

Cyclops: Jean, my love, how could you have left me?! Even hanging out with Kitty Pride, Iceman, Storm, and Banshee can't cheer me up! AAAAAAA!!!

Wolverine: Uh... hey, buddy.

Cyclops: Oh. Logan.

Wolverine: Yeah, it's Logan, all right. I... uh, I hear you're not doing so well with Jean's death and all--

Cyclops: I'm FINE!!!

Wolverine: You look like an EMO!!!

A tense moment passes between them, then Wolverine relaxes.

Wolverine: Look, just hear me out, here: Why not go to that Alkali Lake place, where Jean died? Maybe she came back from the dead.

Cyclops: And you would know that... how?

Wolverine: You don't want to know.

Cyclops: Um... yeah, I might do that. Cheers.

Wolverine: As for me, I'll go work out in the Danger Room with Nightcrawler, Gambit and Forge.

Cyclops: What? You get all the cool scenes now?!

Director: Cut, cut, cut, cut, CUT! What is it between you two, huh? Marsden, get your ass over to the lake so we can finish up your crap scenes and fly you off to Australia! Jackman, get to that kickass room and-- well, KICK ASS!!!

Cyclops: And to think that this is the guy who made "The Family Man"...

Scene 3: Professor X's office[edit]

The Professor, Storm and the Beast are present.

Beast: What ho, I like Shakespeare and Tolstoy, etc. But I bring bad news - MacGuffin Industries have developed a deadly MacGuffin.

Storm: And a MacGuffin is...

Prof X: Why, it's an apparatus for trapping lions in the Scottish Highlands, of course!

Storm: But, what--

Beast: Sir, you forgot to mention that it can also render most mutants powerless!

Storm: Oh, Lord...

Prof X: Indeed; this is serious. Something like this could be a huge threat to the rights of mutants, as well as a roadblock in human evolution. That said, I think we should take a neutral stance, and allow it to be produced and sold.

Beast: But sir, some people now have mutant zappie guns that can shoot the cure into mutants. If we let the cure be produced, mutants everywhere will get their powers taken away involuntarily.

Prof X (turning on his mind control beam): I said, we're taking a neutral stance.

Beast: Okey doke.

Scene 4: Alkali Lake[edit]

As Cyclops stands forlornly on the shore, Jean Grey rises from the lake, and approaches Cyclops.

Cyclops: Jean... I thought... I thought you were...

Director: Cut, cut, cut, cut, CUT! What the fuck is this?! There are only two mutants in this scene; it's not EXCITING!!! I can still see most of the background! Let's see... we'll have Cannonball over here, and Psylocke, you stand over there. Okay... action!

Jean: No, Scott; I live. I...

Director: What the f-- CUT! Still too boring. I know, let's have the Disco Dazzler over here. Okay, cue the Gloria Gaynor and... ACTION!!!

"I Will Survive" begins blaring loudly.

Jean: No, Scott; I live. I can make you... okay, now I can't HEAR MYSELF!!!

Cyclops: My HEAD!!! This wasn't in the CONTRACT!!! Get me on the first flight to Australia NOW!!!

Director: Sheesh... CUT! At least he'll be out of my hands... hope Singer likes him, the puff-headed jerk!

Cyclops: WHAT?!

A fight breaks out.

Director: OW! FUCK! Get this man OFF THE SET!!! OOOWWWW!!!

Scene 5: Mutant Transport Vehicle[edit]

Enter Magneto, closely followed thereafter by a large armored vehicle.

Magneto: Hello!

Lifting his hand, he stops the truck in its tracks.

Magneto: Gather 'round, children!

Out of the shadows come Quill, Vanisher, and Pyro.

Magneto: Prepare the way!

Pyro steps up and lights the door of the truck on fire. It burns into an ash, leaving the way clear for Magneto. He goosesteps into the truck, flinging an armed guard out of the way as he does so.

Magneto: Ha-ha! Foolish humans! They thought to keep Magneto at bay by putting my people in thin-walled metal prisons! Ha-ha! Now to release them all! Let's see... Mystique, Juggernaut, Basilisk, Catseye, Tarot, Toad, Dr. Octopus, Lex Luthor... Wait, what was that last one?

Out from the corner steps another armed guard. This is Stan Lee's cameo.

Armed Guard #2: Excelsior, Marvel fans! Stan Lee here, in my cameo for the film! It's a really important role!

Stan Lee zaps Mystique.

Mystique: Oh, crap! I've been zapped with the MacGuffin, and now I'm human.

Juggernaut: Pwned!

Magneto: Then, I must leave you here. I cannot be seen with a woman who has been pwned by humans. What would the neighbors think?

Mystique: Oh, look at me, now! I'm crying!

Juggernaut: Yeah, and I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!

Armed Guard #2: And that's enough said!

Juggernaut: Oh, shut UP!!!

Juggernaut breaks Stan Lee's neck, killing him.

Magneto: Um... are we done now?

Director: And... CUT! God, I hope we're not arrested for this...

Scene 6: The Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters[edit]

You know, If I buffed these down and put on some hot pink nail polish, these wouldn't look too bad.

Jean is unconscious on an operating table.

Prof X: So, you see, Jean is potentially the most powerful being ever, so I deliberately made her mentally ill. Pretty slick, eh?

Wolverine: What are you, Reed Richards?

Prof X: Look, just don't let her escape.

Wolverine: I won't.

Prof X: As a mind reader, I could easily check if you are lying, but the word of a quasi-bestial feral killer is good enough for me.

Prof X leaves. Jean jumps up.

Jean: KILL ME!!!

Wolverine: Huh?

Jean turns into Dark Galadriel from Lord of the Rings.

Jean: BOO!

Wolverine: AAAAAIIIII!!!

Wolverine tries to scurry into a hidey-hole, but Jean knocks him unconscious with her sonic powers.


With a bang, she flies out of the complex. Storm watches her ascend.

Storm: JEAN!

Scene 7: Magneto's hideout[edit]

In a domed room made of metal, Magneto meditates. As he descends deeper and deeper into himself, he feels a large disturbance of mutanic energy. His eyes dramatically jerk open.

Magneto: Jean...

The door behind him suddenly slides open, and Pyro barges in, stopping behind Magneto.

Pyro: Mr. McKellen! Professor X and his team of mutants are on the move!

Magneto turns around.

Magneto: How are you tracking them?

Pyro: In the last film, we implanted a tracker chip in the Professor's wheelchair. You remember, right?

Magneto: I'm sure I do, but not the audience.

Magneto's gaze flits to the camera for a long moment, then turns inward.

Pyro: Sir? What should we do?

Magneto: I know exactly where they are headed...

The helmeted mutant stands up, then beckons to Pyro.

Magneto: Tell the others to prepare themselves.

Pyro: For what, si--

Magneto: Stop asking questions! We are to be heading out. You and I, we and the other mutants, shall be heading out...

Magneto turns his gaze upward.

Magneto: ...to unleash the Phoenix.

Pyro: Um... what?

Magneto: Shut UP!!! You're ruining the dramatic ending to this scene! God, Brett; how long do I have to put up with this amateur...?!

Scene 8: Jean Grey's childhood house[edit]

Magneto's men guard the front. Neighbors include Moira McTaggart, Firestar, and Stan Lee. A Sentinel robot is delivering mail.

Prof X: Good morning, Toad. Mastermind, how're the kids? Scarlet Witch, love what you've done with your hair. Hey, Mr Sinister, how's it hangin'? Ah! Erik! What are you doing here?

Magneto: Why the same thing as you, Charles.

Prof X: Padding out the main story with some half-assed Dark Phoenix riff?

Magneto: Precisely!

Prof X: Well, then; let's off!

They go into the house, where Jean Grey is waiting for them.

Jean: Call my subplot half-assed, will you?

Prof X: What?

Magneto: Ah, Jean; you're finally using your negative feelings, I see. Let them free...

Prof X: No!

Magneto: Charles, she is not a child anymore. She needs to use the full extent of her powers.

Prof X: But, you don't understand, Erik! It's the darkness, it's enveloping her!

Magneto: You are a fool if you think you can stop it, then!

Prof X: But, you unleashed her! I-- I showed her mercy!

Magneto: SILENCE! For too long have you held this girl back, and what do you have to show for it?

Prof X: ...

Magneto: All the proof we need. Jean?

Jean looks up, hunger etched in the lines of her face.

Magneto: Show him your mercy.


Jean turns back into Dark Galadriel. Magneto winces as a whirl of energy takes ahold of the Professor, slowly disintegrating him.

Magneto: JEAN!


Prof X: Don't let it destroy you...

With a flash, the Professor disintegrates, as Wolverine, Storm, Iceman, Colossus and Kitty Pryde look on helplessly.

Magneto: My God...

As Jean settles back down, Magneto offers her a hand.

Magneto: Come with me... if you want to live.

Jean: KILL ME!!!

Magneto: All right... I'll just ignore that.

Magneto wrenches Jean up from the floor, hands her to the Juggernaut, and walks away.

Magneto: So long, X-Men! To San Francisco, we fly!

Wolverine: Well, so much for keeping their plans secret...

Scene 9: MacGuffin Industries, interior[edit]

Inside the compound, Dr. Lemuel MacGuffin, head of research at MacGuffin Industries, paces about in front of Angel, a lanky kid with wings.

Dr. MacGuffin: They said I was crazy building my base in the Washington Monument, then sticking the Washington Monument on top of Mount Rushmore, then putting Mount Rushmore on Alcatraz Island. But, who's crazy now?

Angel: Um... you?

Dr. MacGuffin: Be of SILENCE, my son! I must use my invention, the MacGuffin, to cure you of having wings.

Angel: But, Dad, I still don't understand what lions in the Scottish Highlands have to do with--

Dr. MacGuffin: Again, be of SILENCE! Now, settle down, or else I will not rid you of these dratty things!

Angel: Hey, I like having wings! I love flying shirtless over San Francisco...

Dr. MacGuffin: Oh, yes; that brings up another thing I wanted to talk to you about. You, see--

Enter Flunky.

Flunky: Sir, Magneto is attacking!

Dr. MacGuffin: Oh, well, FUCK!!! Son, come here--


Angel flies out of the complex.

Dr. MacGuffin: Wait, my son! Don't head for those power lines... NO!

With a shock, Angel is electrocuted to death on the power lines.

Dr. MacGuffin: Is that my boy? Is that my SON?! MY BOY! Noooo...

Flunky: Sir, this isn't "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire"!

Dr. MacGuffin: You're right! Wrong movie. But, anyway--

Enter Spunky.

Spunky: Sir, the mutants have invaded!

Dr. MacGuffin: Gather your defenses, lads! Don't give up the ship!

Spunky: Um... sir?

Dr. MacGuffin: Never mind! GO!

Flunky and Spunky turn to leave, but, before they can go, the Juggernaut blasts through the wall.

Juggernaut: You bitches picked the wrong guy to play hide and seek with!


Flunky runs off and cowers behind a desk.

Dr. MacGuffin: Who's hiding?

Spunky: Yeah... dickhead!

Dr. MacGuffin: Spunky, no!

Juggernaut: Why, you...

Juggernaut runs over and slams Spunky into a wall, killing him instantly.

Dr. MacGuffin: NOOOOO!!!

Juggernaut: Now, it's your turn... dickhead!

Juggernaut reaches over and snaps MacGuffin's neck, then stalks out of the room.

Juggernaut: Where're my bitches-- OH!

Not looking where he is going, Juggernaut trips and falls down the stairs, killing himself. Flunky pops up from behind a desk.

Flunky: Who's the bitch, now?

A bomb goes off, eviscerating Flunky.

Scene 10: MacGuffin Industries, exterior[edit]

Magneto: Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would melt, thaw and resolve itself into a dew!

Pyro: Uh, Mr. McKellen? This is X-Men, not Hamlet.

Magneto: Yes, yes; I know. (Sighs) All right, let's get this over with! Quill and Vanisher, you take the left. Basilisk, Catseye and.. oh, Christ, I dunno... Dr. Octopus, you three attack from the right.

Pyro: Dr. Octopus isn't a mutant.

Magneto: (glares at Pyro) And you, Pyro, can take Tarot and Toad and attack the X-Men here, at their strongest position. Oh, look, they've got Cable and the Punisher helping them. Goodness, what a lot of guns.

Pyro: (muttering) Asshole.

Hearing this, Magneto crushes Pyro to death with a section of the Golden Gate Bridge.

Magneto: Or that the Everlasting had not fix'd his canon 'gainst self-slaughter! O God! God!

Wolverine: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Wolverine punctures Magneto with the MacGuffin, instantly transforming him into a human.

Magneto: How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable, seem to me all the uses of this world!

Jean walks up to Wolverine.

Jean: KILL ME!!!

Wolverine: Um... okay!

Wolverine stabs Jean, killing her.

Wolverine: JEAN!

Storm: LOGAN!

Marlon Brando: STELLA!

Scene 11: White House Press conference[edit]

President: My fellow Americans, anti-mutant paranoia is at an all-time high, exacerbated by the fact that dozens of humans were killed by mutants during an illegal assault on the MacGuffin Industries facilities complex. However, due to Marvel Universe legal precidents dating back to the Human Torch/Sub-Mariner battles of the 1940s that leveled New York and were immediately forgotten, I hereby declare the entire matter behind us. Mutants are now the legal equal to humans, and I am dismantling the incredibly expensive shadow government anti-mutant defense apparatus for the good of us all who live in the shadow of death.

Erik Lenscherr, aka Magneto, responsible for untold hundreds of deaths to say nothing of the attempted murder of the entire human race, will now be allowed to sit playing chess in the park for as long as he wants. Charles Logan, aka Wolverine, will not stand trial for any of the dozens of people that FBI files suggest were killed by his claws. Though it is still possible to create the mutant cure and many still want it, we will just assume it's gone away. It's really nothing more than a plot point meant to draw out the mutants, or some such. But, I digress.

And, so, I ask you, my fellow Americans, to join me in taking our federally mandated memory wipe pills, so we can forget the whole silly thing ever happened. See? Right now, I'm taking mine; washing them down with a cold, hardy glass of mutant milk.

Good night, God bless and... hey, what the fuck am I doing here?

Scene 12: Central Park[edit]

Magneto is sitting on a bench, playing chess with himself.

Magneto: I pass the days playing chess now, a faintly veiled reference to my struggle against Xavier. And to alude to that bit in the Seventh Seal.

Enter Laura Linney as Dr. Cecilia Reyes.

Cecilia Reyes: Who are you talking to, Mr. Lenscherr?

Magneto: Er... no one.

Cecilia: Right...

She walks away, leaving Magneto to his own devices.

Magneto: If only...

He lifts a hand over one of the chess pieces.

Magneto: If only...

Bombarded by his withering fusilade of concentration, the chess piece explodes, sending Magneto flailing off the bench.

Magneto: The hell?

Dr. Reyes comes running.

Cecilia: How did you--

As she approaches Magneto, the former villain turns his gaze to her, inadvertently blasting her head open.

Magneto: Brett... looks like we're going to need another Linney!

Scene 13: The Xavier Memorial Hospice for the Gifted[edit]

A vegetative patient lies in bed in a quiet room. Dr. Moira McTaggart enters.

Moira McTaggart: It's time for your bath, Cassander.

The patient turns his head.

Prof X: Moira...

Moira takes a step back in shock.

Moira: Charles...?

Professor X nods.

Moira: But, how?

Prof X: I was reincarnated because of ethics, and because the franchise needs another threequel.

Moira: What franchise? What are you talking about?!

Prof X: Wait! Please--

Moira: No! I've had it!

"It's Too Late" begins blaring loudly.

Moira: (Sings) And it's too late baby, now it's too late/Though we really did try to make it--

Loyal Audience: CUT!!!